DH hid betting windfall

[Sarahji]

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

I personally think once a couple have kids, it should be all about what's best for them and all money put together, and discussion about what fun/personal money each adult has after the kids/bills are sorted out, but there are couples who consider money his/hers and who have separate accounts.

Wow, this is insane. I’d be so angry and disappointed by this. There’s so many issues, not telling you about the winnings, keeping it all for himself, allegedly going to a casino that no longer exists. Everything about this is shitty. I can’t imagine not sharing something like this with my kids, just, wow. He’s a real turd.

My husband and I have separate finances. We pay bills/family expenses 50/50. My money is exactly that, mine. His money is his. He placed a bet with his money so the winnings are his. I recently got a back dated pay rise, that's my extra money. It's not family money, it's not my husbands. The only difference is I didn't hide it from my husband.

I'd be more upset he felt the need to hide it.

I don't disagree with his logic here. You can't really expect to share the winnings if you don't put up part of the stake.

What a selfish cunt

He sounds like my ex husband who I divorced due to his gambling problem (and the symptoms of lies and selfishness, among other things). I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a fair amount of money he lied about, plus he spent it on himself. You might want to check all bank statements. Do you normally keep track of financials/spending? A weekly/ monthly catch up together re this for transparency would be a start. Are there any other times he is out of the house when he could be spending money/up to things you don't know about? He has a wife and kids that he didnt put first in this recent situation and he deceived you. That says a lot.

Yes, there are a lot of red flags here.

They're a partnership, they're a family. I've no idea why a man wouldn't want to treat his own wife and children if he was lucky enough to get a windfall.
There's all sorts going on here, by the sound of it.

He has a point on this. If it's come out of his money.

But it isn't a windfall. He has potentially been betting for years out of his fun money. While it appears to be a win, he is likely to be out of pocket.

He’s sick of me asking about it now anyway.
i bet he does.

My first thought on getting a windfall would be to treat my immediate family or share it with them. Not keep it to myself.

I don’t think I would want to be with someone whose idea of a good time is spunking £500 on drinking and gambling. Regardless of where the money came from. Just seems like a complete waste of money and time. And not good for mental health, general life stability and dependability. He probably doesn’t even remember the night he would have been that drunk. What a waste

Not my point. He's not single. He's got children. As many, many posters have said - it's just selfish. Imagine not wanting to share even with your kids.
He's probably well out of pocket, especially with the heavy drinking.
We'll just need to agree to disagree.

This ⬆️

I could kind of understand him not especially wanting to share the winnings and just spending it on something for himself if it was, say, fifty quid, but I can't really imagine winning £800 and not treating my partner or my child to something, or at least putting it into the joint account.

It's a bit worrying that not only did he say he went to the casino but that he actually named the one which you now know is closed. That was an error of judgment on his part and pretty easy to disprove. I would tend to agree that strip club is more likely... either that or he didn't actually go anywhere and has just squirrelled away the money for his own use. I definitely wouldn't let this go until you've got to the bottom of the casino story.

So should the OP sacrifice her fun money as well then, not get her hair coloured if that's what she chooses to do with it so that the money benefits the family?

If there arrangement is they each have a monthly amount of spends then it should be up to them what they do with it.

It's not about sacrificing "fun money". It's about a spouse who hides winnings and doesn't want to share any of it. It's deceitful and mean. You're either a family or you're not.
He can enjoy some of the winnings, but the lies and the ongoing deceit is totally shit.

Yes haha isn't it funny and objectionable when women try to safeguard themselves against domestic abuse!!! What bloody hypocrites!!!

So true, I can wholeheartedly attest to this. My ex constantly lied, gaslit and tried to shut me down when I started learning the truth of years of hiding shit from me.

I agree he should have mentioned the wins, but I disagree that he should have shared it.
The way the OP has mentioned it is that the money came from his own funds.
Not all couples share money and maybe there is a good reason for this.
Personally all our money is combined and I would be annoyed if my husband was regularly betting...but then I would feel entitled to saying any wins would be shared if in this situation.

I’m of the opinion that it was his money so it his winnings tbh. 800 is hardly a windfall. My dh spent 500 on headphones the other day…it was from his money, I couldn’t care less! I bought a car last month and it cost me 30k I didn’t ask, I just told him and asked him to come with me. It wasn’t money, I didn’t need permission.

I think if he was upfront about it and said that he had it earmarked to buy himself something I'd, at worst, find it a tad selfish but understandable. Men who hide money or make it disappear on piss-ups and similar are a liability

Right. The car is a different issue to this. Entirely.

Right.