DH hid betting windfall

[Sarahji]

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

This is a good point actually re the amount of the bet.

Tell him to shove his takeaway.

I think this makes sense though. Why should he take all the risk but you reap all the reward? He’s probably spent £100s on losing bets and suggested that loss from his personal spending pot, you haven’t volunteered to give him back half of that money yet expect 50% of the windfall when he wins?!

He shouldn’t have lied but it is his money.

He couldn't even be arsed to tell you he won 800 quid - and you get a measly takeaway - that's grim. Hes spent 500 quid of it on a piss up and a luxury curry and you get nothing - completely unjustifiable. You have every right to feel upset particularly if you have shared money you won or were gifted with him in the past

Selfish twat

Did you miss the part where she said she shared previous windfalls she had with him?

Maybe he shouldn't be spending hundreds of pounds gambling in the first place - that's the bigger picture in all of this. Gamblers are inherently selfish (speaking from experience).

My husbands immediate comment was he might have won 800, but he’s certainly lost a heck of a lot more.

Cos she would've had her hand out the second she found out.

This is perfectly fine. No problem at all. Or at least that's what everyone said when a woman said she was hiding money from her husband...

I can't see what he's done wrong.

Plenty of married couples have an account for bills etc and then his and her account to do what they want with with what's left over.

I wasn't aware that being married meant that you have to give up all autonomy.

I disagree with everyone who is saying he's selfish!! Sorry but if you don't share finances in your marriage there must be a reason why. If you have separate bank accounts then that's clearly for a reason, so you have no right to kick off a fuss if you don't share all that you have financially already.

It's fine if it's by mutual agreement, but I have the impression that the OP was not aware that these are the terms of their relationship.
I think she should follow suit. To include keeping schtum & not announcing that she will now be adopting his approach to money.

I’m sure there will be posters along explaining why it’s different

It's just all so disappointing isn't it op

He's clearly selfish, and sees any perks as for himself only. He hasn't run home saying, here's £800, let's book break away for the kids.

At least now you know

Well yes!

Do you find it hard in general to respond to specific questions? Often find yourself being sarcastic to further your own random agenda?

My husband utilises the free spins on various betting websites sometimes. A while ago, he had a windfall of £4000. He transferred 3k to our joint savings, 500 to me for guilt free spending and kept the last 500 himself. We typically budget very little guilt free spending money for ourselves so £500 was a big boost. He has, in the past, worked a job that came with a certain sum of Christmas tips. He always shared those with me 50/50 also, on the basis that we're a team who support each other. This is what I witnessed growing up and I'm glad our DC are getting to see the same.

Shame on your husband OP. If my husband hadn't wanted to share either of the above, I would have respected that decision but had he lied by ommission rather than tell me that fact, we'd have a big problem.

No I didn’t miss that part. If they were betting windfalls then I agree that probably changes things. But if it’s something like a work bonus or inheritance she’s not taking any risk or spent any money to acquire that windfall and I think that makes a difference. He might be down £800 in 10 years of small weekly bets so this wouldn’t actually be a windfall in those circumstances, just making back his losses which she didn’t share in

Thanks for sharing this!
It's also interesting that in that thread the woman had £1000 which posters said wasn't much and to treat herself and save the rest.
On this thread because it's a man £800 is a lot of money which should be shared with the family.

I’d have a conversation to make it clear, you can now assume any money you come into inheritance etc is yours?
and you’re both keeping stuff like that separate?
I think it’s probably stung more his friend actively wanted to use it to do something for his family

but your husband doesn’t prioritise doing that and instead treating himself to a fancy curry wasting it

but I’m sure he’s the perfect hands on dad in so many other ways you can let it slide

Absolutely not the same. She's keeping it safe for treats for the kids. And keeping it from them so they don't go on a reckless spending spree.
Not selfish at all. No double MN standard here. At all

Read the comments and you will see plenty of women who had come into money saying they spent it on themselves or saved it. Either way they kept quiet about it.
And a lot of comments from people saying what they would do - again keep quiet and spend on themselves.

It is selfish on his part, and while this may not apply in your husband's case (or it might), any secrecy around gambling, for whatever reason, is generally not a healthy situation.

My point wasnt to compare the OP posts. It was to compare the replies. If you look there you will find the double MM standard 👍

Exactly this.