Inappropriate comments from grandfather

[Nolasmummy]

Trying to take the emotion and my own childhood experiences out of this one to report objectively.
grandparents have been babysitting 20 month old daughter for the weekend, they recounted via FaceTime they took her to the garden centre for lunch yesterday . She’s at that age where she’s really sociable and people watching and was friendly and waving to the male waiter. Grandfather repeatedly said “she loves the men” and said he told the waiter “you’re out of her league”. Husband laughed in response, I visibly cringed and got of the call quickly and jumped in the shower. When I came out my husband said I looked “troubled” and I said I was disturbed by the comments. I clarified that I didn’t think grandad was Pervy himself, but the comments were sexualised and made in public which I think is dangerous. I also didn’t like that my husband laughed at comments. Husband got offended on grandads behalf, said he was old fashioned and I was wrong to open the conversation about him being pervy or not, said he laughed out of awkwardness. An argument ensued, I did talk over him which I know I have a habit of, but he ended up calling me a “sour faced cow” and said I ruined the weekend. I shouted “would you protect our kids or be more worried about politeness”. He’s upset and offended. I’m reeling about my daughter being spoken about that way, and feel my husband is focusing on protecting the wrong person. He has agreed if it happened again he would talk to grandad and apologised for calling me a name (after I told him this was verbal abuse)

not sure what my question is, I’m really triggered by the whole thing. I guess would you drop it at this point?

I would be irritated at gf for a stupid but clumsy remark, but annoyed at h even more for his'awkward laughing and dismissing your concerns. If it was awkward laughing wht did he feel awkward unless he knew it was off. Now he's playing it down because he knows you're quite rightly annoyed about it and in directly him.

I take it that your father has history for inappropriate behaviour OP if this resurrected childhood experiences?

I think your H's dismissive attitude to your very real upset over this is not a good sign. And he should not be calling you names. It's a subject that needs a proper discussion for your DD's sake

I suspect others will disagree, but personally I feel you overreacted.

your DD’s grandfather is proud of her. Loves that she is vibrant and people notice how likeable she is. He meant no harm and to use the word ‘pervy’ was offensive. Your husband has acknowledged that it what is father said wasn’t ideal, so he apparently has some awareness that girls shouldn’t be spoken about as though they were a commodity for men to admire. He said he’d talk to grandfather if it happened again. I don’t know what more he could have reasonably said or done?

you mention childhood experiences, so I guess this event triggered unpleasant/uncomfortable/upsetting memories. If your husband is aware of what happened in your past, he should be far more sensitive.

Complete overreaction in my opinion, but I respect yours.

This.

DH has acknowledged he was wrong.

You need to move on now.

Sorry OP, but you over reacted here.

Sorry I tried to make this not about me/ him to not be leading but I can see its probably leading either way.

hes my father in law, we don’t have a great relationship as i find him really abrasive. There is some history of him falling in the wrong side of issues like this (i wanted to uninvited their peadophile neighbour and his wife from our wedding after the neighbour was charged for sexually assaulting his step granddaughter. It ended up in a falling out between me and in-laws. In the end I told them about how I’d been sexually assaulted in childhood at which point they never apologised but seemed to understand

Agree eith this post.

If he was otherwise a lovely grandad, then I'd roll my eyes at those jokes and maybe have a word with DH that it was a bit cringe and could be step in in future.

But it sounds like you've had a bad experience in the past and this magnified it. I totally get it. I caused a family fall out once because my BIL made some joke about teenage girls. I was SA as a child and it triggered all kinds of shame and that worry about not being believed, so I raised it. No one else in my family thought it was a big deal, so that was awkward until it passed.

If something has happened to you, and DH is aware, then you sit to sit him down and explain exactly what happens to you when people make jokes about children and attractiveness. And that while he might feel its overreacting, for you it is a reaction that floods you and is rooted in your own experiences and wanting to keep DC safe. I really hope he is able to listen. And maybe, if you have him on side and know he will challenge future comments, you can work on reducing your physical and emotional reaction, maybe will help from a therapist.

Sorry OP I' assumed it was your Father.
As it's your H's father it explains your H's defensive reaction to some extent.

I can see why you are upset. And given his history of being tone deaf to issues such as paedophilia i think you are right to be a bit unhappy with his attitude to children's safety and appropriate behaviour

I would go down the route of being present as much as possible when your H's parents interact with your child so you can step in if any other inappropriate comments are made.

It seemed all quite clumsy/ that DH was more at fault in his reaction to your response to FIL.

The wedding/pedophile neighbour update though is awful. I’d be questioning In-laws judgement and would supervise contact as much as possible. Regardless of your history (I’m sorry you experienced that ) anyone enabling/excusing or even giving CSA perpetrators the time of day let alone pushing for a wedding invite has their priorities completely wrong.

With a known history of childhood sexual abuse yanbu at all and your fil is absolutely being completely inappropriate to say that sort of thing to strangers about your dd.

He's sexualising a 20 month old baby fgs. The language used is foul. Doesn't matter if he's old fashioned, it's unacceptable.

Your in-laws have a history of dubious boundaries as evidenced by their reaction to you not wanting their neighbour at your wedding.

This is now a boundary to enforce for your daughter op. She needs protecting emotionally from this crap, even if not physically.

Too many posters dismissing and downplaying this.

After the update regarding the neighbour ,i would be having fuck all to do with them and they would not be seeing there granddaughter.

Seriously? IMO, get your child away from them ASAP. Like you, I found the comments disturbing and now knowing that the invited a paedo, no. Get them away from your child.

I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. Sexualised comments about a small child are completely unacceptable and I don’t accept that any adult in 2026 doesn’t know that. Coupled with the knowing association with a paedophile, this would be more than enough for me to want these people to stay far away from me and my children. Your instincts are just fine OP, you should trust them. And your DH needs some therapy, because his moral compass is warped by his horrible family.

In age of Epstein ...you are being told you overreacted about men joking about a 2 year old girl being friendly and that being link to dating?

Wow just wow...where do people feel the acceptance of women as just vessels to be used begins?

Edit : That was typed BEFORE I saw your extra information

I find it old fashioned but not necessarily troubling unless there is more to it.

On edit - massive drip feed in second post!

I would try not to have much to do with them TBH.

I agree with you, OP. And I’m sorry you went through that.

Yes, this.

he was just joking, you’re over reacting.

I'm not sure why you left her with them in the first place tbh with existing bad history between you. It's a bit odd,especially considering the neighbour thing.

I know he's apologised, but that was vile of your husband to call you a sour faced cow. I'd be bloody fuming at that alone.

I agree with you OP. I don't know how old the grandfather is, but I'm in my sixties and quite old fashioned and think he was inappropriate. He probably knows that and doesn't care because as you say he's abrasive.

Do the men in that family respect women?

You totally overreacted imo!

The grandfather surely isn't responsible for the actions of his neighbour

He’s responsible for his reaction to OP’s reasonable request.

Not directly but inviting a known paedo despite the wishes of OP is disgraceful. God knows whether he has been invited over while DD is there.