Inappropriate comments from grandfather

[Nolasmummy]

Trying to take the emotion and my own childhood experiences out of this one to report objectively.
grandparents have been babysitting 20 month old daughter for the weekend, they recounted via FaceTime they took her to the garden centre for lunch yesterday . She’s at that age where she’s really sociable and people watching and was friendly and waving to the male waiter. Grandfather repeatedly said “she loves the men” and said he told the waiter “you’re out of her league”. Husband laughed in response, I visibly cringed and got of the call quickly and jumped in the shower. When I came out my husband said I looked “troubled” and I said I was disturbed by the comments. I clarified that I didn’t think grandad was Pervy himself, but the comments were sexualised and made in public which I think is dangerous. I also didn’t like that my husband laughed at comments. Husband got offended on grandads behalf, said he was old fashioned and I was wrong to open the conversation about him being pervy or not, said he laughed out of awkwardness. An argument ensued, I did talk over him which I know I have a habit of, but he ended up calling me a “sour faced cow” and said I ruined the weekend. I shouted “would you protect our kids or be more worried about politeness”. He’s upset and offended. I’m reeling about my daughter being spoken about that way, and feel my husband is focusing on protecting the wrong person. He has agreed if it happened again he would talk to grandad and apologised for calling me a name (after I told him this was verbal abuse)

not sure what my question is, I’m really triggered by the whole thing. I guess would you drop it at this point?

He tried to bring a paedophile to the wedding and he tried to say the victim led the paedophile on. He makes weird sexualised comments about a baby. You do you but there is plenty of reason to think this GF is not someone who is going to be healthy to have a young child around.

I am sorry. I am not buying any of this. People who get married make their own wedding lists. They don't get family to invite other people to a wedding

And if the grandpa is so bad. Why leave the child with him in the first place? No one thinks that's a bit odd - knowing all of that you still leave your baby with him and then complain later? Ok then. Why didn't she leave her kid with someone else and not Epstein as someone else called him? Can't have it all ways. You either trust someone with your child or you don't

I will do me thanks.

Absolutely right. And there have also been some marked changes on here in recent years. The internalization has always existed, but for 5 years or so there have been people queueing up to undermine women's instincts, tell them that they are wrong, and protect the predilections of men at all costs including their own peace of mind and the wellbeing of their children.

I usually ask myself what motivation would prompt someone to act so, and also who stands to benefit from keeping the status quo precisely as it is.

Eww sorry those comments have made me feel deeply uncomfortable. Same as when women call their sons "my sexy lil man" or Grandparents say their grandchildren are "flirting" when they look at someone of the opposite sex. Why do people feel the need to sexualise children? It's vile

Women have always always done this. Men predate in women and children in such significant numbers and other women cover it up.

Read the women involved in the Epstein thread. It is a tale as old as time. Women who are so uncomfortable with the frequency and prevalence of male pattern abuse of women and children that they go to any lengths to cover it up because of their own discomfort and their need to protect their own minds from fear.

Someone cracking an inappropriate joke on Face time isn't an Epstein. Should the OP get him arrested too?

Read the full thread.

There's a grandmother involved too - is she also an Epstein or an Epstein enabler. If you were so sure your father in law was a pervert why would you leave your child with him the first place?

I have. Hth

I'm totally with you here OP.
I have boys not girls, but can't bear to hear all the 'oh she'll be a heartbreaker', 'she'll have the pick of the bunch when she's older' etc.
Its just unnecessary.
I had a friend who kept accusing my baby son of 'flirting' with her when he was looking at her smiling.
I'm pretty sure, she used the word/phrase differently in her head, but it made me uncomfortable and gave me the ick.

And with your further update re grandfather and the wedding guest, I can't imagine wanting to be around them at all.

I think if your OH has apologised, then move on. But be clear that you are not comfortable and won't tollerate this display/behaviour again.

Well said!

OP, stand your ground. You are absolutely right to be angry. I would talk again to your DH.

I agree with this. It's old fashioned banter which is pretty meaningless. I'm not a fan of it, but back in the day no-one would have given it a thought. I certainly wouldn't see it as pervy.

I can see why your history made you react, but don't let people on here encourage you to continue to overreact or reduce contact.

Your DH's words were grim though.

I said in my original post I had some history that I thought might be skewing my view. I then responded to give clarifications/ context when asked or someone had the wrong impression e.g thinking the grandad was my father.

the wedding was roughly 8 years ago. We invited neighbours at in-laws request, the husband was later charged. Weeks of arguments ensued because I wanted them invited but in-laws disagreed. I had no means to contact the couple so eventually said either they speak to them or I’ll go round and won’t be diplomatic.
Nothing has happened in the intervening years that would make me think grandad was unsafe but today’s comments brought back his actions 8 years ago. He is someone who says whatever he wants, there’s no world I can imagine having a mature conversation about this. It’s either arguments, awkwardness that bothers me more than him or let it go.
I’m upset he said weird things about my baby. I’m further upset my husband called me a horrible name for being upset. The whole thing is actually triggering past trauma which is my hang up but not something I’d relishing stirring up for anonymous validation on the internet in the way you seem to be suggesting.

Fucking hell. Listen to your instincts and don’t let this man anyone near your children. That’s appalling.

Thanks for the thoughtful and honest opinions (including those that disagree with my initial reaction). It’s been helpful to hear outside perspectives that not everyone sees this the way I do.

kindly go fuck yourself to the person repeatedly commenting making the snarky comments, you’re more wound up about a mum feeling protective/ overprotective of her baby girl than you should be.

Go fuck yourself right back if that was aimed at me. Hth!!

If you don't want different opinions and only want people to agree with you - don't post a thread on a public forum. Talk about embarrassing. No wonder your husband called you out

I cannot imagine anyone but a person with the Epstein's mind to say that a baby girl loves the men

and this is not the first time I have heard old men speaking like that or claiming their toddlers are already flirting or bla bla and that woman just has it in the genes.

It was aimed at you entirely. Many people have expressed they disagree with me, only you’ve done so in a way that’s so confrontational, claiming I’m manipulating the the situation or facts when I’m a perfect stranger to you . This is my family and nothing is more important to me than my children’s wellbeing. I wasn’t kept safe, so sometimes i probably overcompensate but I’ve no reason to be embarrassed. You’re wrong and you’re spiteful and you’d probably get along great with my FIL

which brings me to the memory that the age of consent in the past was 12 years in many countries so literally the old men were grooming the girls from babies. I find it totally sick and disgusting

Total overreaction

already observed someone who appears on many people't threads and creates drama and argues with bitterness and rude words and that is not the OP

I have already commented to say that I support you but please trust your instincts and continue to put the welfare of your daughter first.

I have sons, grandsons, and this kind of thing can happen to either sex.
We had friends once, we were visiting, our male friend had two other men friends round....all in their 50's and 60's. One of them said of my grandsons...who were around 12 and 14, 'Ahhh, fresh meat', We left, never went back.

My advice to the OP. trust your instincts.