Inappropriate comments from grandfather

[Nolasmummy]

Trying to take the emotion and my own childhood experiences out of this one to report objectively.
grandparents have been babysitting 20 month old daughter for the weekend, they recounted via FaceTime they took her to the garden centre for lunch yesterday . She’s at that age where she’s really sociable and people watching and was friendly and waving to the male waiter. Grandfather repeatedly said “she loves the men” and said he told the waiter “you’re out of her league”. Husband laughed in response, I visibly cringed and got of the call quickly and jumped in the shower. When I came out my husband said I looked “troubled” and I said I was disturbed by the comments. I clarified that I didn’t think grandad was Pervy himself, but the comments were sexualised and made in public which I think is dangerous. I also didn’t like that my husband laughed at comments. Husband got offended on grandads behalf, said he was old fashioned and I was wrong to open the conversation about him being pervy or not, said he laughed out of awkwardness. An argument ensued, I did talk over him which I know I have a habit of, but he ended up calling me a “sour faced cow” and said I ruined the weekend. I shouted “would you protect our kids or be more worried about politeness”. He’s upset and offended. I’m reeling about my daughter being spoken about that way, and feel my husband is focusing on protecting the wrong person. He has agreed if it happened again he would talk to grandad and apologised for calling me a name (after I told him this was verbal abuse)

not sure what my question is, I’m really triggered by the whole thing. I guess would you drop it at this point?

So, good enough to babysit for the weekend, but you find him abrasive and clearly dislike him. Okay

Absolutely see where you're coming from @Nolasmummy , and as
@Gazelda says, "girls shouldn’t be spoken about as though they were a commodity for men to admire"
I remember when my first daughter was born, and my (now ex) B-I-L said something along the lines of "you'll be punching men off the doorstep in 16 years or so" - I just thought wtf?! 🤔 🤷 neither the sexualisation nor the aggression sat well with me.
The grandfather should know better, and if he doesn't, well, you're never too old to learn, imho.

As a grandparent, I think it’s a total over reaction on your part based on your own specific childhood experiences, which is understandable.

I would assume that the grandfather is a normal loving grandparent who is v proud of his gorgeous granddaughter.

Unless you have further drip feeds…?

I don't think you should worry about this

Regardless of your history or the issue with the wedding and the paedophile neighbour, I don’t think it was an over reaction at all.
It’s inappropriate to speak of children in a sexualised way and contributes generally to dangerous behaviours.
In light of the issue with the neighbour and your father in law thinking it’s ok to still socialise with him, I’d be making sure my child was never alone with him.

Why would someone's father in law invite third parties to a wedding? It's surely up to the people getting married who they invite

You either feel that your daughter is safe around your father in law or you don't - that's for you to decide - not mumsnet in my view

You are overreacting. Would you have had the same reaction if he said, "She loves women?" Men aren't all perverts, so are nice and kind you know.

Absolutely nothing in your post suggests there anything at all worth lashing out at your husband over him not protecting your child.
Calling someone a name as one off in a heated 2 way argument is not verbal abuse.
You sound like got want to be the victim in every situation.

You can’t take your childhood experiences out of the equation of your reaction. They are sewn together.

I don’t agree with comments like this, but it didn’t need to result in a blow up between you and your DH. A quick ‘can you please not make X comments surrounding our child please’ would suffice and move on.

If GF is mortally offended, that’s his issue to deal with.

FGS are you this thick obviously the grandfather is not responsible for the neighbours actions .But he is still fucking sticking up for him wanting him at the wedding.As for the outcome of the case who gives a shit.I stand by my point the brush it under the carpet brigade ,no thought for the little girl.

They had a good time, your DD behaved beautifully and was the centre of attention, and there was some silly banter between gf and the waiter. Interpreted as gf is a pervert and your DH an abetter....

As far as your original post is concerned, your FiL's comments about your DD are not in any way appropriate. That's leaving aside entirely any suggestion surrounding the 'pervert' idea. This is sexualising a young girl; it's part of the dangerous socialisation that begins to wear down boundaries at a young age and teach females what it is and is not appropriate for them to accept. You're right in your instincts that this is entirely out of line and potentially damaging. It's hugely disappointing (but unsurprising) to see so many people voted that YABU - but female socialisation is unfortunately as alive and well on Mumsnet as it is anywhere.

This later comment puts an entirely different light on the original post. Their attitude about the neighbour compounds your instincts - and is probably part of the reason your warning radar is going off in the first place. You should not need to disclose your abuse history in order to draw that particular line and stand behind it. That is a massive red flag.

I believe you and your DH need to have a serious conversation. You need him onside with this. I would not be willing to consent to unsupervised contact in these circumstances.

I'm sorry you're having to confront this really uncomfortable issue, but mothers have instincts for a reason. Listen to them. (And on most other MN threads you'd be advised to do precisely that).

💐

Surely that would be an obviously sexualised comment that would be entirely inappropriate for a 20 month child? I think this analogy has persuaded me that the original comment should not have been made.

But I think that the OP overreacted.

Agreed.

I don’t know any old men who would say weird things like your FIL. It’s not ok

Was the neighbour found guilty of the charges and what was his sentence? Was he on the sexual offenders register? Why were your husband's parent's neighbours invited to your wedding? Had they been close friends of the family for many years?

Total overreaction. You are being ridiculous.

It’s like saying ‘he’s/she’s going to break some hearts’ though isn’t it? People say this sort of thing all the time.
It’s triggered you because of your past.

Wait until your daughter is 14 op and you are walking behind her and her friend and white van men start leering at them. That is really upsetting.

I don't think any of those questions are particularly relevant to OP's situation.

OP isn't standing opposite the alleged offender as a prosecution barrister in a court of law. Conviction rates are notoriously low for this type of offence and not every abuser has been legally brought to book, especially when we consider how tragically prevalent these offences truly are.

As a parent, OP's one abiding concern is the safety and wellbeing of her child. Her only job is to gauge whether the benefits of contact with this person outweigh the risks. The person concerned is exactly who to her? Her in-laws' neighbour: not even a family member. What benefit would contined contact be likely to bring, and would the absence of a this man from her DD's life be likely to have any damaging effect on her? As to the risks, what's the worst that could happen?

It's a complete no-brainer.

That's all the more reason not to have this kind of socialisation start young.

It's not acceptable. Young girls should not be brought up to have to accept that it is.

My husband is a grandad, if he ever made remarks like that about a baby grand daughter I would also feel uncomfortable.
Acceptable back in the day, not so much now.
However, I think I would be more annoyed at my husband, he should speak out and back you up.He knows the history of you, and he knows the history of his dad wanting a paedophile to come to your wedding.
He should be more aware of your feelings.