Inappropriate comments from grandfather

[Nolasmummy]

Trying to take the emotion and my own childhood experiences out of this one to report objectively.
grandparents have been babysitting 20 month old daughter for the weekend, they recounted via FaceTime they took her to the garden centre for lunch yesterday . She’s at that age where she’s really sociable and people watching and was friendly and waving to the male waiter. Grandfather repeatedly said “she loves the men” and said he told the waiter “you’re out of her league”. Husband laughed in response, I visibly cringed and got of the call quickly and jumped in the shower. When I came out my husband said I looked “troubled” and I said I was disturbed by the comments. I clarified that I didn’t think grandad was Pervy himself, but the comments were sexualised and made in public which I think is dangerous. I also didn’t like that my husband laughed at comments. Husband got offended on grandads behalf, said he was old fashioned and I was wrong to open the conversation about him being pervy or not, said he laughed out of awkwardness. An argument ensued, I did talk over him which I know I have a habit of, but he ended up calling me a “sour faced cow” and said I ruined the weekend. I shouted “would you protect our kids or be more worried about politeness”. He’s upset and offended. I’m reeling about my daughter being spoken about that way, and feel my husband is focusing on protecting the wrong person. He has agreed if it happened again he would talk to grandad and apologised for calling me a name (after I told him this was verbal abuse)

not sure what my question is, I’m really triggered by the whole thing. I guess would you drop it at this point?

This kind of changes everything, I have a similar childhood experience and thought you were overreacting in your post tbh but this information shows at the very least your FILs lack of boundaries with child protection if he is willing to have any contact with a peadophile.

You’re entirely human to have deregulated reaction as this guy makes you feel unsafe, based on history and facts. This is a bigger picture than some stupid old man being out of touch with how to speak about females.

I’m so sorry OP it has a horrendous impact on your relationships coming from a traumatic background like that, you have my deepest sympathy and I totally understand why you leave no space for boundary breaking at all. Your girl has an amazing mum who’s got her back always. With regards to you husband, can you guys talk it out, the whole situation, once you’re both more calm.

good luck OP, this is hard stuff xx

Comments like his sexualise young children. Personally I find them unacceptable. My experience of people making and normalising comments like this is that there is at the very least underlying misogyny and disrespect for women and girls. It's hard to fight when it's inside your own family. My advice is listen to your instincts and never feel you can't speak up if you ever feel uncomfortable. Many people thankfully have no experience of abusive relationships which is I think why for many the default position is that you are over reacting and that what's being said can't possibly be down to anything sinister. A majority telling you you're over reacting can make it more difficult to listen to your gut feeling, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't.

I am with you OP.

He is sexualising a toddler.

These type of stupid comments is the usual behaviour of too many men who can only see women and girls primarily from a sexual point of view rather than as full human beings.

Being an older man is no excuse for that kind of crap and women really need to stop excusing comments and behaviour like this.

OP I would make it clear to both he and your husband that you don't want any such comments being made around your kid ever again as you are raising a child who will have good self esteem and won't centre her life around pandering to the male gaze.

i think you will have to be a bit more tolerant op

I can’t believe how many people are saying you are over reacting. My FIL has made inappropriate comments like this to all his grand daughters, who are now teens and adults. I call him out to his face and limit contact. My DH is equally appalled.
I am also sorry for what happened to you OP. I hope you have had some therapy. You might find parenting causes you to have more thoughts about it, so maybe more therapy would be helpful.

There is no "tolerance" when it comes to the sexualisation of children.

You would have thought that at this stage with all that is happening in the news there would be more awareness of that fact but no we still have people bleating about "tolerance" and "overreaction" here...

It’s possible to be proud of your gorgeous granddaughter without framing it in terms of her future dating profile/achievements.
The baby is adorable- full stop.
Nothing to do with whether she’ll be able to pull men, how good looking she’ll be.

Comments about babies flirting, giving kisses, how to manage their sexuality when they are in their teens… you may think it’s innocent because you are innocent of nefarious attitudes. Unfortunately when you’ve seen a man be inappropriately sexual with a child, your eyes are opened to such comments being just the top of a slippery slope.

It’s not ok to look at a baby and think/talk about their sexual future. It just isn’t.

You are in effect looking at a piglet and discussing bacon and sausages.

I try not to let my feelings about FIL impact on my husband and children’s time with their dad/ grandad so I tolerate what I don’t like unless I think it’s harmful to my kids. It’s the first time we’ve left DD with them and they were at our house. The neighbour served a prison sentence then died so he’s not a factor, but something that lingers in my mind. FIL made comments at the time about how the teenage granddaughter was flirtatious and the pedo should have just said “no” to her advances. So I genuinely think at least in that situation he believed the pedo that the sexual abuse was instigated by the victim until I pointed out no teenage girl fancies their grandfather figure .

Wow. That is just so warped of him

Massive overreaction. Comments are old school cringe but doesn’t warrant such frothing and jumping down throats.

Massive overreaction.

Total overreaction reading your first post in isolation.

I think your FIL is harmful to your children. He takes the side of a convicted sex offender and makes inappropriate comments about his own grandaughter. Your husband should be on your side and should be ashamed about his dad's attitude.

I spoke to my husband about this thread.... didn't put a slant on it either way, just asked if he thought there was anything odd, or not, about a grandad laughingly saying these things to some random man that his 18 month old granddaughter was smiling and laughing at.

His reaction...'why the hell would the childs grandad be talking about his grand daughter like that?'

totally agree,
unclench op

op you were sexually assaulted as a child according to your second post - this has skewed your outlook.
you may need to talk about this professionally

I think you've hugely overreacted.

Whilst I agree the comments were cringeworthy and inappropriate i think it's a generational thing.

I often rolled my eyes at the weird things my own Mum would sometimes say when my daughter was that age (and she was a perfectly safe adult to be around during my own childhood)

I’m with you OP. Completely. I’m not remotely surprised by the lack of support you are getting on here. It doesn’t matter if we see Pelicots and Episteins until the cows come home. In a tale as old as time people will ignore and minimise subtle boundary breaking behaviour for all of time. Women line up to protect men in these situations and the predatory neighbour situation shows just how far women will go.

I couldn’t get worked up about this. It’s just a clumsy way of being proud of his granddaughter.
If his general behaviour with her is fine, I think you are overreacting.

The incident in the restaurant I could pass off as a joke on it's own. I thought you were overreacting when I read your OP. Reading your further comments, I wouldn't even want the man around my DC.

I cannot stress how much you should not leave your kid alone with him. From everything in the Epstein files to knowing about historical abuses and how they were covered up by GP’s generation, this is a serious red flag IMO. I wouldn’t be surprised if grandpa had a skeleton in his closet.

steady on

Seriously it is the same old on here. Someone posts - they get some push back and then they start drip feeding more stuff to make the person they are criticising look like a villain - I am sorry but you don't have the right to call that man a child abuser - because that's what you are clearly hinting at

People who just latch onto anything that's posted and leap to worst case scenario. If the OP wants to keep the child from their grandparents that's up to her but don't add two and two and get ten and call someone a potential child abuser with no evidence

He's not an Epstein. Don't be ridiculous