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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to do

115 replies

saminamama · 21/02/2026 09:06

At home with poorly EBF 6 month old (cough and cold) and full on 3 year old,
DH went on a boys night out with 4 other dads last night 2 were driving and the other 2 back in at a decent time
went onto find my iPhone when the baby woke me up at 2:30am to feed; and my husband who was meant to be staying at his sisters the next town along was at a random house!
I rang him and it was a friend of a friends house (all men, DH is straight). He was clearly sounding drunk and refused to see what the issue was so and so invited them back for a g and t, none of the original group of dads he went out with were still out just him. He then got a taxi back and went back to his sisters (truth as could see on the find me app that we have)
baby feeding and coughing lots and then toddler up since half 6 and wouldn’t go and watch something on her own while I got some extra sleep (iPad with locked screen so only able to watch what’s on there, with some milk and cereal for a snack, in the next room and able to wake me, quite an independent but full on little lady)
anyway
it’s now 9am he’s still asleep at his sisters
Tonight we are going to a gig locally and his sister is due to babysit (prearranged).
im gunna have to cancel im just too exhausted
how do i go about this to not upset him and his sister
i feel like im gonna be seen to be punishing him for a night out but actually im miffed he took it too far and im on my own with 2 of them one being poorly one being a toddler who won’t sit still for 5 minutes

also can I trust where he was?

don’t really know what I’m asking here just feeling tired grumpy touched out and let down

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/02/2026 09:09

Well you can trust where he was because you follow this location and phoning him to ask about it. Just have a nap when he gets home and then enjoy your night out. It’s a bit annoying that he took it ‘too far’ but unless he’s doing this every weekend it’s fine for an adult to have a night out, he’d already arranged to stay at his sisters so it’s not like he just didn’t come home…

pastaish · 21/02/2026 09:13

I'd just tell him that after all the broken sleep, you're too tired and not going tonight. It happens when you have young kids.

Justdancinginthedark · 21/02/2026 09:16

Tell him he is doing tomorrow morning (unless his sister is having them overnight) and get a lie in then.

Ablondiebutagoody · 21/02/2026 09:18

All the tracking is very unhealthy and controlling

Furlane · 21/02/2026 09:26

If he was going out and sleeping at his sisters, what time were you expecting him back? I would probably expect them back at 1100/1200 after breakfast and a catch up with their sister. Can’t you just have a nap when he gets home? Just power through it, you’ll have fun once you get out.

I don’t see the problem of him having drinks at a friends house, despite not being the ones he went out with (I’ve done this). What is weird is you tracking him, knowing what time the others got home, and then phoning him! It didn’t make a difference what time he got home as he wasn’t going to disturb you!

Pippa12 · 21/02/2026 09:26

Do you have reason to mistrust him?

Would you still be angry this morning if when you checked ‘find my friends’ he was still drunk but asleep at his sisters house?

Had you arranged for him to come home before 9am?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/02/2026 09:29

He had a night out. He had arranged to stay with his sister so whether he got there at 11 or 3 you would have been on your own. And whatever time he got there it isn't really likely he would have been back until mid morning anyway.

SnappyOchre · 21/02/2026 09:35

I’m confused. If he was never due to come home aren’t you exactly as tired as you would have been anyway?

MrsPinkSky · 21/02/2026 09:40

Ablondiebutagoody · 21/02/2026 09:18

All the tracking is very unhealthy and controlling

100% spot on.

I think it's disturbing how normal some couples think it is.

They'll always say "Oh but it's so handy to see when he's on his way home from work, so I can put the kettle on".

But of course the OP doesn't trust him, because she's said as much.

BauhausOfEliott · 21/02/2026 09:48

I don’t understand what he’s done wrong at all?!

Catlady03 · 21/02/2026 09:48

Ablondiebutagoody · 21/02/2026 09:18

All the tracking is very unhealthy and controlling

Certainly is and phoning him is even worse.

Catlady03 · 21/02/2026 09:50

He’s done nothing wrong.

Overthebow · 21/02/2026 09:52

I don’t understand what the issue is, if he was going to be going out and staying at his sisters he didn’t really do anything different to the plan? I’d message him and say you had a bad night with the kids and couple he come home soon and let you get some rest before tonight.

DysmalRadius · 21/02/2026 09:56

Can't you have a nap once he's back to be ready for tonight?

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/02/2026 09:57

How has he let you down? He was on a night out and had planned to stay elsewhere so wouldn’t have been around to help with the kids.

When he gets back go and have a nap - don’t be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

BudgetBuster · 21/02/2026 10:20

He went on a pre-planned night out, where he wasn't ever coming home during the night anyway. You posted at 9am that he was still at his sisters. What's the problem exactly?

You were always going to be on your own? Why are you annoyed that he had a good night out?

Also, stop stalking him. That's insane and not a but healthy. If my DH told me he was tracking my phone on a pre-planned night out with my friends... it'd be the last time he called me his wife.

When he gets home, have a sleep, have a shower and go out? The plan hasn't changed... why would you cancel?

MadisonMarieParksValetta · 21/02/2026 10:21

Surely he will home soon and you can have a nap then? Then still go ahead with your night out. Unless baby is too sick to be babysat of course. I'd cancel if that were the case.

I don't think the tracking is controlling. Just checking. But I think you have wound yourself up by doing so. He didn't actually do anything wrong. Don't let that ruin your night. Today is absolutely salvageable.

MrsPinkSky · 21/02/2026 11:17

MadisonMarieParksValetta · 21/02/2026 10:21

Surely he will home soon and you can have a nap then? Then still go ahead with your night out. Unless baby is too sick to be babysat of course. I'd cancel if that were the case.

I don't think the tracking is controlling. Just checking. But I think you have wound yourself up by doing so. He didn't actually do anything wrong. Don't let that ruin your night. Today is absolutely salvageable.

I don't think the tracking is controlling. Just checking.

Just checking what?

Where he is because she doesn't trust him?

That IS controlling and it's what's led to the OP sulking and wanting to cancel.

MadisonMarieParksValetta · 21/02/2026 11:19

If I woke up and my husband wasn't home I'd check life360 to make sure he wasn't drunk in a ditch somewhere. It's not controlling to check up on someone.

MrsPinkSky · 21/02/2026 11:23

MadisonMarieParksValetta · 21/02/2026 11:19

If I woke up and my husband wasn't home I'd check life360 to make sure he wasn't drunk in a ditch somewhere. It's not controlling to check up on someone.

He was never coming home...

Brightlittlecanary · 21/02/2026 11:25

I think have a nap when he gets back are you sure you’re not actually just trying to punish him

all the tracking and calling him does make me wonder.

catipuss · 21/02/2026 11:31

MrsPinkSky · 21/02/2026 11:23

He was never coming home...

Show quote history

But he was meant to be somewhere and he wasn't there which immediately sounds alarm bells. Just in terms of where is he? Why did plans change? Is his sister waiting for him? Is he in some sort of trouble?

Some people don't worry, a grown man out somewhere in the early hours, what could happen? But things do happen and worriers worry.

Moonnstarz · 21/02/2026 11:35

I think you may have had different expectations of what his Friday night out might have been like. Sounds like you were assuming he was going out for a few drinks then home and in bed. If he doesn't go out often then maybe once he bumped into these other people who then invited him to the house party he thought why not.
He was never going to be at yours this morning to help so not too sure what the issue is.
If you had thought it would be too much having the kids alone the night before you were both planning on going out together then you should have perhaps discussed him rearranging his dad's night out once they decided to do it.

Brightlittlecanary · 21/02/2026 11:42

catipuss · 21/02/2026 11:31

But he was meant to be somewhere and he wasn't there which immediately sounds alarm bells. Just in terms of where is he? Why did plans change? Is his sister waiting for him? Is he in some sort of trouble?

Some people don't worry, a grown man out somewhere in the early hours, what could happen? But things do happen and worriers worry.

Show quote history

I’m not sure he gave a time ro be at his sisters, he’s not a kid with a curfew.

MrsPinkSky · 21/02/2026 11:43

catipuss · 21/02/2026 11:31

But he was meant to be somewhere and he wasn't there which immediately sounds alarm bells. Just in terms of where is he? Why did plans change? Is his sister waiting for him? Is he in some sort of trouble?

Some people don't worry, a grown man out somewhere in the early hours, what could happen? But things do happen and worriers worry.

Show quote history

'Worriers worrying' often goes hand in hand with 'controllers controlling'.

If someone is a natural worrier, that's for them to learn to cope with. It's not an excuse to start tracking someone's phone.

A grown man deciding to go back to a friend's house after a night out, does not 'immediately sound alarm bells' to most people.

He was hardly going to ring the OP, wake her up and ask for permission to change his plans.