First Mothers day NC with MIL

[Coldfebdays]

Just some advice from those in a similar situation because im feeling really sad about it all.

last summer MIL went NC with us thanks to the wonderful lies my SIL’s had been soinning about myself and my DH for years, she rang me after a particular lie her wonderful daughters had said and screamed, swore, ripped me to shreds and slammed the phone down, she blocked me in her temper on all SC and quite frankly I made the descision there and then that I would never again be soft enough to expose myself to their lies and abuse (a complete people pleaser) she has made no attempt to reach out to myself or her grandchildren (she is their only living grandmother) despite me spelling out the truth with proof to boot.

anyhow life has been blissfull other than having to deal with DC’s emotions and questions about why we font see her anymore. But with mothersday coming up im finding myself asking should i post a card? I used to every year with MUM on despite my own mother passing away 12 years ago, along with lovely gifts. Shes not my mother, shes been a terrible example of what a good grandmother should be, but do i still send one from the children? I know the answer deep down… im just feeling so sad about it all, should i take the lead in being the better person?

I did leave a christmas gift and card for them as I didnt want to hurt FIL’s feelings, hes a good father in law and grandfather.

It's your husbands choice, he can sort it if he feels the need.

Shouldn't your DH be doing something anyway, not you, if something is going to be done?

Surely this is down to your husband not you? I wouldnt do anything and if he chooses to do something then so be it. Shes your not your mum its not your responsibility

Not I wouldn’t. As a parent we try to teach children the consequences of their actions and this is a consequence of her actions. She’s not the children’s mother. It’s entirely your partner’s decision if he sends a card.

Its always been me, like a mug, DH has never done. Ive thought about it alot, her son in law has never given her anything or done anything for her, but the sun comes out of his bum with MIL of course

I wouldn't bother.

Why would you send one from your children? She’s not their mum. it’s Mother’s Day, not Nans Day.

Shes not but in the absence of my own mother i always tried my best to treat her as such…

For goodness sake, if your sister in law has been lying about you, surely that's pretty easy to prove? Where is MIL's own son in all this?

Because i always bought one for them to sign for their only living grandmother

There's no need to treat the woman like she's your mother, her own son can deal with any cards and gifts, it's fine.
If he chooses not to bother, that's also fine.

Don't give it any thought.

It was easy to prove but they dont want to know

She's not your children's mother so why would you send a Mother's Day card from them? That's bonkers, before you get into her appalling behaviour.
Teach your children to stick up for themselves, to not allow other people to trample all over them. If mil wants to initiate contact, you can respond to it according to whether she apologises/genuinely wants to put things right. If you cave and send a card, you might as well have doormat stamped on your face!

She’s still not their mum. I don’t understand why you did it anyway. From you maybe but not her grandchildren.

alot of families around here give to the grandmother as well, its really really normal

Don't.

Not only is it sending mixed signals; you also open yourself up to more abuse. It will not go the way you wish (rose tinted spectacle).

Stay away. She is an adult and makes the decision every day to not reach out to you or your children. You cannot change her behaviour; you only control how you react to her actions. You cannot make her see, you cannot understand it for her. She isnt stupid, she is a grown adult making life decisions. Let her.

You cant fix what you didnt cause. Trying to do so is fruitless and it is fawning; teach your children that their actions have consequences, and you cant control the actions of another adult.

How do you want people to vote, and on what basis?

It’s clear from the current outcome of the poll that it’s … unclear.

Just don’t. But do Father’s Day as usual.

Thankyou

How does your husband feel?

Do you know why she treated you like she did? Because of the very reason you are asking about sending her a card. She treated you so badly, ignores your kids and here you are wanting to run after her? That is exactly why. Stop being a mug and have some respect for yourself. No one will respect you if you don’t treat yourself with respect

@UncannyFanny I used to send cards for Grandmas when DC were little. Card shops sell many such cards, it's not unusual for some families to send them. My family were all about celebrating mothers in the family, my DM has always sent me a card since having DC

Its more about insight as im finding it really really difficult to navigate tbh, im a massive family person, and we were always taught to do our best to be decent human beings and do the right thing, NC was never a thing with us so its completely foreign territory for me

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

If you DH feels like sending one he could do so. You'd be a mug to send her a card after all that nonsense. Model how you'd like your children to behave - have a sense of self-worth and don't pander to people who scream at you and insult you.