Arguing with husband over finances

[fireflies9]

Hi all,
Im currently a sahm to my 6 month old. My husband had a go at me earlier because I asked him to pay for a £77 bill for baby supplies. I’m still on mat leave and get £680 per month after tax, I’m responsible for the groceries and babies supplies as well as anything I might want or need like my phone bill, nails, toiletries, clothes etc and gifts for peoples bdays, but this month I came up short and my account went into my overdraft so I asked him to cover the bill.
We both have separate accounts and separate savings. Our savings are very similar amounts but he has a lot more than me in his current account. He brings home about £60k after tax.
He usually gives me £200 a month but this month he couldn’t as he’s self employed and didn’t take as big of a salary so hence why I came up short.
He was arguing with me saying that he’s paid $$$$ this month for our holidays coming up and my new car (these will be monthly payments he’ll be paying for but hasn’t paid anything yet, I’m putting down the car deposit from my own savings) and that he ‘funds my life’ (bills + roof) so why can’t I be grateful and pay £77.
i understand where he’s coming from but I can’t keep paying for things out my savings otherwise I’ll have nothing left? Just to note, he never uses his savings for anything and we’ve said it’ll be my savings going on new house Reno. I’ve also asked him numerous times if he still wants me to be a sahm or should I go back to work and he’s adamant he wants me to be sahm unless I really want to go back (which I don’t).
Not sure if I’m being really ungrateful or if I need to set boundaries?

My advice is you need to sit down and work out a proper distribution of finances, not an ad hoc arrangement of duties which will fluctuate over time.

One rational route would be to divide expenses in proportion to incomes, while giving each person a fair separate amount for personal spending/saving.

You have brought a small human into the world and need to play as a team, not as two separate people.

Firstly, this way of splitting bills is always going to end in pain. What if baby needs something expensive one month. You have to constantly review as child grows etc.

More generally, he is being a dick. If he wants a SAHM wife then he needs to pay for his child and wife. Your mat pay needs to go towards it but you need money to live on too.

What did you agree before having baby? And how come you use your savings and his remain untouched?

It does sound like you need a better budget across the board. Would it be better to agree £X personal spends each, per month. And then all bills and baby items come from a joint account?

From what you have posted it sounds tricky. £680 would barely cover groceries (plus cleaning stuff and toiletries) here. (DH and I and dd who's 27 2/3 nights pw) so I think that's a big ask.

On the other hand if you want nails, clothes and new cars, I'm not persuaded £60k net funds that as well as a mortgage, utilities, insurance, car, etc., so perhaps you need to go back to work. When I was a sahm, a lifetime ago, dh never quibbled (earmt mpre than your DH 30+ years ago) but neother would I have dreamt of expecting him to pay for false nails or highlights. In those days I lived in leggings and baggy jumpers.

I hope your DH is claiming child benefit and pating it back through his tax code so you get your NI contributions. That's very important.

It is not up to him to decide whether to go to work or not if you want more money then earn it

@DeedlessIndeedWhen I was pregnant he said he’d top up my mat pay to £1k total so I can pay the above bills which I was happy with, it works out a little less than that now but I’m not bothered by that, I’m more bothered that he is wanting me to use my savings. There’s no reason as to why we don’t use his savings, he just says he needs to keep them as he’s the one providing.

You need to forget the idea of a holiday if he's claiming he can't afford to pay for his own child.

@RosesAndHelleboresThe new car he is putting through his business so isn’t coming out his monthly income but still wants me to pay the deposit. His car is also through the business. Our mortgage is small and with bills all is only £1k a month so we’re lucky that 60k can stretch quite a bit. It’s about £4K for him disposable each month. When I mentioned clothes I mean a £12 top off Vinted for example nothing fancy. I understand where you’re coming from as it sounds like a squeeze but he manages to save most months and keep his current account pretty healthy.

@PickAChewhe’s not saying he can’t afford £77, he’s saying he thinks I should be paying it

You're married, why don't you share everything. When did marriage stop being a partnership.

If you are not working, you have no income. You should not have to rely on savings to live off.

Either you can afford to live as a family on one wage, or you can't. If you can't then you both need to work.

If he’s arguing over essential costs for a 6mo, you’d better buckle up for a strong conversation to cover off the next 18+ years of clothes, activities, school trips, childcare, gum shields, etc, and head this attitude off fast.

I'd be spelling it out that -

• he is 'providing' money
• you are 'providing' childcare, house chores, life admin

Since you're both equally providing just in different ways then you should have completely pooled finances with all joint and child expenses and major purchases like cars coming out of the joint account and the only separate accounta being for fun spending money each. Bills and savings are all shares. You can't expect one person to give up financial independence without the other sharing everything.

If he doesn't believe in the above then you will go back to work and he will have to do half the childcare, housework, organising, pick ups, drop offs, sick days etc etc

Don't fall for any promises, only hand your notice in once he has actually put the savings in both your names.

Overall his current attitude (you should pay for house renovation out of your own savings only even though you can't bud them back up, because he currently works outside the home and you work in it) really does not bode well for him treating you like an equal partner who makes a contribution just as valid as his. So personally I'd not be even considering giving up work (because if he is self employed as well this means if you ever split he can hide his earnings a lot better and if you have been out of work a while and are the default parent trying to find a job to support you and child while he contributes nothing, you would be completely screwed)

@WallaceinAnderlandThis is exactly how I feel and when I say this to him he says it’s fine and he’ll just have to make more money. He spends a lot of his money on takeaways, lunch out and pubs with work friends even though I offer to buy his lunches in the grocery shop. I’m not sure if actually the problem is that he’s realised he doesn’t want to forgo his luxuries or money in the bank to keep me as a housewife. He also pushed for the holiday and I was the one who suggested a much cheaper option at half the price.

I will never understand why a married couple with children have separate finances. You should pool all income, all outgoings and all savings. You could allocate an agreed amount each for 'fun money' - this could cover things like nails, clothes etc. But all other expenses, including for the baby costs, groceries etc, come out of the joint account. Any other way surely just leads to resentment - especially if one of you is a SAHP.

The only time I can see this not working if one spouse is a gambler/spendthrift etc, but if you are both on the same page regarding budgets etc, it's best to pool finances.

If I were you I’d get a job and see a good divorce solicitor.

@DrinkFeckArseBrickThank you this is great advice, i think I’m realizing that going back to work is my only sane option at this point

Your husband is financially abusing you.

Your husband is telling you he won’t financially support you. You absolutely need to go back to work.

My partner financially supports the entire family. I spend what I need. I don’t have limits on my spending,

If you spend all of your savings on baby supplies then you are going to be very financially vulnerable.

Your husband isn’t earning enough to support a family.

he says it’s fine and he’ll just have to make more money.

So let him do that then. From now on all expenses come out of his income because it's the only income your family has.

Why is he unwilling to pay for his own child?

It is financial abuse. He currently has the OP trapped. He lied.

well the OP could always get a job

“Your husband isn’t earning enough to support his family” - but he is earning loads if he’s on £60k nett* and a lowish mortgage on the family home.

*correction, seems to be £48k nett if 4k a month.

She has a job. She’s on maternity leave.

I would never have a joint bank account with a man, or pay for a car deposit from my running away money savings.

Exactly what I suggested further up the thread, along with seeing a divorce solicitor.

I agree completely with this. It's what we do and there's never any disagreements over money.