Arguing with husband over finances

[fireflies9]

Hi all,
Im currently a sahm to my 6 month old. My husband had a go at me earlier because I asked him to pay for a £77 bill for baby supplies. I’m still on mat leave and get £680 per month after tax, I’m responsible for the groceries and babies supplies as well as anything I might want or need like my phone bill, nails, toiletries, clothes etc and gifts for peoples bdays, but this month I came up short and my account went into my overdraft so I asked him to cover the bill.
We both have separate accounts and separate savings. Our savings are very similar amounts but he has a lot more than me in his current account. He brings home about £60k after tax.
He usually gives me £200 a month but this month he couldn’t as he’s self employed and didn’t take as big of a salary so hence why I came up short.
He was arguing with me saying that he’s paid $$$$ this month for our holidays coming up and my new car (these will be monthly payments he’ll be paying for but hasn’t paid anything yet, I’m putting down the car deposit from my own savings) and that he ‘funds my life’ (bills + roof) so why can’t I be grateful and pay £77.
i understand where he’s coming from but I can’t keep paying for things out my savings otherwise I’ll have nothing left? Just to note, he never uses his savings for anything and we’ve said it’ll be my savings going on new house Reno. I’ve also asked him numerous times if he still wants me to be a sahm or should I go back to work and he’s adamant he wants me to be sahm unless I really want to go back (which I don’t).
Not sure if I’m being really ungrateful or if I need to set boundaries?

That post doesn't make much sense.

I think you might find PollyBell is just here to stir things....earlier comments bear that out. Obviously if the OP wasn't looking after the baby someone else would have to be paid to do so.

we’ve said it’ll be my savings going on new house Reno.

Why have "we" said this?
Say no or at most kick in 50/50( although even thats a mistake imo)

I’m putting down the car deposit from my own savings

Why,? Why isnt he? Who will be the registered owner? Hint it should be you.

How are you going to have equal savings after paying for a car and home renovations ?

She has a job. A really important one. She is caring for a child and running a home. They are married with a child. His attitude is absurd, controlling and abusive. All income is everyones in that situation regardless of who technically “earns” it.
i don’t understand this your and mine attitude to money after you marry or co habit, especially when you become parents, unless as other posters suggest there is a real problem with gambling etc.
it would be a shame if she’s forced back to work because of his selfishness unless she really wants to work. SAHM are really the best option for kids if it’s financially possible and they want to be SAHM.

My view is probably going to be controversial but why give up your professional career for a life of relying on someone else who is already proving to be unreliable. Go back to work and be in the relationship as an equal rather than relying on someone else's goodwill.

So you get maternity leave money, child benefit money, hubby money but you can't manage yet he is paying house bills,holidays etc...because wether you like it or not groceries and phone yes necessary but nails hair clothes are not necessaties. My wage went in today 1485 and other than the middle of the month a payment of child benefit that lasts me bills, groceries, 5 kids nappies,pets etc my car..tough but I do it without going onto any credit card or overdraft

This is financial abuse.
this child is his baby, too - so why is he treating you like a single mom who is a lodger under his roof?
fucking horrible.

Tell him the renovation is off because if his savings are his then your savings are certainly not going on your house, they are staying in your account like his do. Tell him you are going back to work because he doesn’t want to support his wife to bring up his child, he wants a broke slave, and if you’d seen this side of him earlier you’d never have married him or had a baby, and he’s on probation now as you don’t trust him anymore.

And do NOT pay a deposit for a car that’s in his name!

This doesn’t add up. Earning £60k and clearing £5k a month (unless this is being managed by self-employed and using dividends to reduce tax payable). Are you both paying into pensions - you should be. Once your mat leave finishes is you are staying at home, how are you covering the loss of the £680? For so many reasons on your situation I would go back to work, and especially as he has shown he won’t just use his salary as the family pot. You’re in a vulnerable situation now and I can’t see how you will manage as a family if you aren’t working. Also, please don’t leave yourself without a pension.

Oh mate. DO NOT leave your job. This set up has disater and financial abuse written all over it.

He gets to build up assets whole you pay for all the consumables. Nice.

If he wants you to be SAHM but it alrwady quibbling about paying for baby stuff where does he think the money will come from when your maternity pay stops?

Pooling finances is fine until it’s not . Exh and I had joint accounts which he emptied when he left leaving me with a few pounds in my purse .

Your savings going in the Reno is stupid. You can’t have separate accounts and be a sahm how does that work? He is self employed and begrudging you £77.

if he is unwilling to pool finances with equal access to £ and use his own savings you need to get to work. Will he keep putting into his savings but not yours when your mat leave is over? He is balking at the first hurdle. Being the sole provider is not for everyone.

This.

Having a child is expensive. It gets progressively more expensive so I'd scrap the idea of new cars and ££££ holidays ASAP.

Set your date for return to work and double up on your contraception. If he's grumbling about a £77 bill for baby supplies now, he is not a committed family man and you need to plan to support yourself.

This set up sounds like you’ll be destitute with no savings in a year relying on a £200 allowance from him. While his accounts stay healthy.

do not quit your job for the love of god.

Do not pay the car deposit with your savings @fireflies9 . Do not get the car if it comes to it.

He sounds financially abusive.

Being a SAHM is not going to work, sorry. You need to get tough.

Look at going back to work asap. Tell your DH that he’s responsible for 50% of childcare for his own child, he can either take compressed hours, pay for nursery or pay you the same amount to stay at home.

Don’t spend your savings and really consider if you need another car on finance- sounds really dodgy and like an expense neither of you can afford. Plus if he’s paying through his business he will no doubt hold it against you. Can you not save and buy a decent second hand car outright in your own name?

Longer term, he doesn’t sound very nice. I couldn’t respect someone who begrudges some baby expenses whilst frittering his salary on takeaways and drinking. I think I’d be making sure I was financially independent and had assets in my own name because if I am honest this doesn’t sound like a relationship that will last.

Give him the choice he pays you a fixed amount every month (enough for your expenses plus contingences), you calculate the amount (to be re-negotiated as the baby grows and gets more expensive) or you go back to work. See how much he really wants you to be a SAHM. How much an hour is he paying you as a SAHM? I really think he should be paying at least everything for the baby in return for you doing all the care.

Leave now! He wants you to be a sahm but control you through money and leave you with nothing else. This is not an equal partnership. Take home pay of 60k means a salary of around 90-100 and he is giving you 200 to be housekeeper, nanny and provide sexual services.

Honestly this sort of I pay for X you pay for Y is messy and it’s very easy to be unfair when there’s a big income disparity.
I also fundamentally disagree with the woman paying all the baby costs because it’s just setting the scene that the kids are her hobby and it’s nothing to do with him.

I agree. This is what dh and I do, we’ve been married for 16 years, I can’t work due to health issues, we have two dc. We give ourselves a set and equal amount of spending money (transferred into our own single bank accounts) and everything else goes into and out of a joint account. My first dh was very much like the one op is married to and it just caused such huge resentment.

Agree. The child related costs always seem to be the women's responsibility when finances aren't shared.
It's also the costs that aren't fixed that always seem to be the women's, like the groceries.
Main bills are generally consistent and less likely to change e.g. once direct debits are set up they remain the same for the contract length or you get notice of them increasing.
Groceries is always a tricky one as one month it could be low cost as you don't need washing powder and items like that but next month you need more general products as well as food for the week so it becomes more unpredictable. Also supermarket costs can go up from week to week so it's not a fair budget.

He sounds awful and I would never forgive him for ruining this special time on maternity leave.

£4k disposable income on a £60k gross income means he doesn't pay tax or put anything towards a pension?

It sounds to me that both are heavy irresponsible spenders. What are those baby supplies that you need to buy that is £77 in addition to what you've already spent this month?

I haven’t RTFT but I think you need to go back to work. He sounds resentful about paying for you and his child, and if he’s self-employed it will be more difficult to secure payments in the future from him if you divorce. Sorry if this isn’t the answer you were hoping for. Relying on someone else is always a risk, and here he’s already showing you how he really feels.