Arguing with husband over finances

[fireflies9]

Hi all,
Im currently a sahm to my 6 month old. My husband had a go at me earlier because I asked him to pay for a £77 bill for baby supplies. I’m still on mat leave and get £680 per month after tax, I’m responsible for the groceries and babies supplies as well as anything I might want or need like my phone bill, nails, toiletries, clothes etc and gifts for peoples bdays, but this month I came up short and my account went into my overdraft so I asked him to cover the bill.
We both have separate accounts and separate savings. Our savings are very similar amounts but he has a lot more than me in his current account. He brings home about £60k after tax.
He usually gives me £200 a month but this month he couldn’t as he’s self employed and didn’t take as big of a salary so hence why I came up short.
He was arguing with me saying that he’s paid $$$$ this month for our holidays coming up and my new car (these will be monthly payments he’ll be paying for but hasn’t paid anything yet, I’m putting down the car deposit from my own savings) and that he ‘funds my life’ (bills + roof) so why can’t I be grateful and pay £77.
i understand where he’s coming from but I can’t keep paying for things out my savings otherwise I’ll have nothing left? Just to note, he never uses his savings for anything and we’ve said it’ll be my savings going on new house Reno. I’ve also asked him numerous times if he still wants me to be a sahm or should I go back to work and he’s adamant he wants me to be sahm unless I really want to go back (which I don’t).
Not sure if I’m being really ungrateful or if I need to set boundaries?

I agree about how to split finances so it is all pooled with equal spends. I’m the high earner in our family. Husband used to have to ask me for money (years back) and I chatted to a friend about it who pointed out this was pretty infantilising.

So for years we’ve split spending money and I feel it is equitable and what I would want if the shoe was on the other foot. Everyone contributes in different ways to family life -not just financially) so I think it is only fair to share everything.

No one tells you how to manage money and often people end up in arrangements without having properly talking it through. He might be feeling the strain of finances.

I’m interested - what do you both use savings for? Have you talked about who/what savings are for?

Yes, as long as he splits the childcare costs.

Valid point and happens a lot unfortunately but can be managed. Savings should be held separately in equal amounts although there may be tax reasons or managing child benefit withdrawal for OP to hold more in her name. All other income in a current account for both to use as long as one not gambling using drugs etc with any excess into savings. Large purchases to be discussed and agreed. Putting cars through the company isn’t always advantageous or can be very marginal and might be hubbie using as an excuse to control more. OP think carefully about this especially if you are paying deposit.
This is what marriage and parenthood represents not some twat hoarding all the resources and someone else living a less than optimum life and children not being given their best life possible.

I think you should go back to work. He’s shown what he will be like if you’re a SAHM.

You are providing the childcare which allows him to work and provide the money.

While you're on mat leave and while you're a SAHP potentially after that, "his" money is family money. Your child and you both are provided for from that.

You need a huge rethink of finances. And I'm not sure how you go about the practicalities of this as he appears to think it's his money.

If the money isn't coming in, he needs to use his savings too. As a family you can't have the "luxury" of separate finances if one parent isn't earning. It's family money.

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Thats all fine. Except the OP has a partner who is also the father of this child and is not paying half of childcare costs for said child because the OP is on ML, but being an arse about something for their child thats £77- I'm not reading 'partnership' in that situation.

You are on ML which implies you have a job to go back to - for heaven's sake do it!

Work at least part time and agree he pays half childcare or u leave if Yr married u will be entitled to half his savings fuck him

Not sure if I’m being really ungrateful or if I need to set boundaries?

Neither. You need to demolish the boundary between your money and his.
All money should be joint, except a small amount for personal spends.

Ideally, all income from all sources goes into a joint current account, from which you each get transferred a few hundred (at most) into your personal current accounts for spending as you wish. The joint account is for all household and child costs, and any excess gets put in a joint savings account.

As he is self-employed, he will need another separate account as his business account, but he should only keep a reasonable cash flow in there, and the surplus should be transferred to the joint account.

If he won't agree to having a joint account, he is not a keeper. He fundamentally does not see you both as a "married unit together". He sees himself as separate - which is fine for him but doesn't work for you or his baby. He is ignoring all those vows about what is his is yours (and vice versa), sharing until death, etc. He is fundamentally selfish.

Get yourself back to work ASAP and prepare for the potential end of the marriage.

This is not how sahm should split bills. What happens when you get £0 because you don’t work? If you aren’t working all money should be in joint savings and a joint account which you both have equal access to. I personally don’t think anyone should stop working. You both should just your jobs to make childcare work. What happens if he turns around in a few years and wants divorce. You don’t get support and can’t earn much because you have been out of work for years.

I’m afraid op that this is never going to work because you’ve had a baby with someone who is sexist and/or dim. I would have laughed in the face of a bloke who said ‘he’s the one providing’ in your situation. Well, hypothetically because I wouldn’t have got pregnant to such a man. He doesn’t have the brain capacity to realise it’s not ‘his money’ it’s family money.

the easiest way to do it is all income in one pot, all bills and kids stuff out of it, remaining £ split 50/50 in to each of your accounts for personal spends. It isn’t just about being the easiest way to split it as it covers changes in income/spending; more about the understanding that you’re a partnership contributing equally.

he (and you judging by some of the words you’ve used) seems to believe his contribution is superior, and thus you’ll never have a proper partnership

@fireflies9 Nails, new clothes, and gifts can all be cut.

You tell him that he has forgotten the baby is as much his responsibility as yours and if he is going to be a dick about it then you will return to work and you are each responsible for half the childcare which will cost a lot more than a few hundred.

YOU are working and “his money” is not his money. He gets paid by his work and you look after your joint child. If that is the agreement then stop all the nonsense and demand that you receive equal value of “his” pay since you are sacrificing your earnings by looking after his child.

This really is a discussion you should have had prior to having children. Luckily my husband is not a financial abuser but I would never have children unless we shared finances. So from when we got married we had a joint account and all income and expenditure came out of that. We also had a sole personal account each with us both getting the same each month. Now retired we still do that. That is the only way to cope with discrepancies in income. You are on maternity leave so cannot build your savings up. I cannot believe that you have had to pay the car deposit and he also wants you to pay for house Reno from your savings whilst his are untouched. No way would I be paying for all the house Reno. If he wants you to have separate finances tell him you want him to cover half the car deposit and half the house Reno from his savings. When you return to work he has to pay 50% childcare. If you both agree to you being a SAHM then insist on joint finances.

he should be compensating you for your lost wages and pension contributions.. Having a baby impacts your earnings not just now but for the rest of your life. Instead he is asking you to deplete your savings to make ends meet.

This situation is unfair and needs to change. The simplest approach is pooled resources and equal amounts of discretionary income and savings. There are other fair approaches, but what you are doing now is not one of them.

If his attitude continues, I would go back to work sooner than later. Make sure you are not taking on more than half of the parenting responsibilities. It is not fair for only your earning capacity to be limited by the constraints of parenting.

In a marriage where both parties respect the important economic sacrifice made by the primary parent, having a primary parent can work. The person who works for money has to understand that their financially successes belong to both parents though and share without any complaint or barrier.

Do not put down the deposit for the new car. If it's going through the business HE can use the business account & claim it against tax or use HIS savings. He has £4k a month disposable income, he can ruddy well pay for the car.

You keep your savings. Actually I'd put them into a higher interest, less accessible account.

You are a couple with a family now
not two people casually going out with each other

Get a joint account
Both your incomes go into it then each of you has a direct debit out into your own accounts for personal stuff. eg Your own clothes and going out ( dh and I always did same amount )

Everything to do with your home, cars, holiday's and your child goes out of the joint account alone.

If there’s enough for savings at the end of the month you can set up a savings account too

You’re a family now supporting each other and should be working together

You've married and had a baby with a selfish cunt, who is now financially abusing you.

You need to protect yourself, and decide if you want to stay married to someone this low.

Yes get back to work asap.
He's an arsehole.
Only the lowest scum do this when you are vulnerable and on mat leave.
Never forget this.
This is the real man.
Certainly do not have another child with him.
I consider this financial abuse and controlling.

@fireflies9 I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Obviously we don’t have all the details but from what you’ve said it sounds like you either both don’t have a grip at all on finances which can be rectified with education and both being willing to make some life changes OR this is the beginnings of financial abuse.

You’ve both got equal savings from work however only yours are expected to pay for a house renovation and a car deposit that will be in his name from his company. Youve said “he never uses his savings for anything” He is topping up your maternity leave but only if his work allows him to which this month it hasn’t and there is I assume no guarantee that it will for future months.

He doesn’t want you to have access to joint household money or pooled finances of some sort which keeps you in a vulnerable position whilst having significantly less and soon to be no income . He is keen for you to not go back to work but can’t flex £77 when there is a surplus of requirements for his own child but at the same time is using his disposable income for lunches with his mates / takeaways and he has pushed for an expensive holiday despite you saying you would have been happier for a cheaper one. Have you considered the fact that a lot of employers make you pay back maternity leave if you don’t return to work for a period of time - which I assume he would want to come out of your savings?

I would be seriously considering going back to work if he is already using phrases such as he “funds your life” based on 5 months of a £320 top up whilst on maternity leave. In fact this would be making me question his respect for me at all.

Many many people have large disparity’s in income / a non working parent at home but this only works if the working parent values the work of the non working one and money is split in a way that feels fair to both partners - otherwise resentment will build.

He is clearly already starting to build a narrative that your work in the home is less valuable than his paid for one and therefore you should be financially penalised in times of hardship - what most couples do in financial hardship is that everyone takes the hit. If work hasn’t been as good as expected this month then you both scale back non essential spending so you can provide for your child - not you completely depleting your savings and him sitting on a small fortune just because he can. Do you have an emergency fund ? What happens if you have a leak in the house etc - will this automatically be expected to come out of your savings because he’s “funding your life”

If I’m being generous this could be a case of him being stressed out with the finances as work hasn’t done as well as expected this month and not reacting well to that but that is even more of a reason for you to rethink how your finances are set up as long term it what you’re doing now isn’t sustainable. A budget with all your incomes and expenses with a good 10% buffer as his work does not bring in fixed reliable pay would be a good start. Then you could work out how much is actually needed to run the household and split proportionally to what you earn at the moment. After this you can work out what you can both afford for fun money. If you don’t go back to work this is the same set up except all the money comes from his earnings. If he doesn’t agree to this then I would seriously be thinking about and going back to work in the long term but it would seriously give me the ick and I would be considering getting out of the relationship longer term

Good luck

How is 60k giving him 4k disposable income? It won't even give him 4k before mortgage and bills. Something he's telling you doesn't add up

Why is he quibbling over £77 for baby supplies? This is really concerning. You have years of child related costs ahead of you. It's time for a good look at expectations around finances. Make sure you can support yourself and your child should you have to.

As long as hubby isn't spending what he likes on himself and leaving OP nothing....