Arguing with husband over finances

[fireflies9]

Hi all,
Im currently a sahm to my 6 month old. My husband had a go at me earlier because I asked him to pay for a £77 bill for baby supplies. I’m still on mat leave and get £680 per month after tax, I’m responsible for the groceries and babies supplies as well as anything I might want or need like my phone bill, nails, toiletries, clothes etc and gifts for peoples bdays, but this month I came up short and my account went into my overdraft so I asked him to cover the bill.
We both have separate accounts and separate savings. Our savings are very similar amounts but he has a lot more than me in his current account. He brings home about £60k after tax.
He usually gives me £200 a month but this month he couldn’t as he’s self employed and didn’t take as big of a salary so hence why I came up short.
He was arguing with me saying that he’s paid $$$$ this month for our holidays coming up and my new car (these will be monthly payments he’ll be paying for but hasn’t paid anything yet, I’m putting down the car deposit from my own savings) and that he ‘funds my life’ (bills + roof) so why can’t I be grateful and pay £77.
i understand where he’s coming from but I can’t keep paying for things out my savings otherwise I’ll have nothing left? Just to note, he never uses his savings for anything and we’ve said it’ll be my savings going on new house Reno. I’ve also asked him numerous times if he still wants me to be a sahm or should I go back to work and he’s adamant he wants me to be sahm unless I really want to go back (which I don’t).
Not sure if I’m being really ungrateful or if I need to set boundaries?

I would never have a joint bank account with a man, or pay for a car deposit from my running away money savings

I can understand having separate savings accounts, as a protection for you. But as a couple, you should be taking equal amounts from the joint account in savings each month, equal amounts in fun money etc. If you have separate savings, then when there's a car deposit to be paid, you should take equal amounts out of each of your savings.

You are either a team, or you're not. And if you are not, then it's going to put quite a strain on your marriage.

You're not currently a stay at home mum, you're currently on maternity leave after giving birth to and caring for his tiny baby which you're entitled to do for 9 - 12 months and he, as your husband, signed up to helping to support you and your baby whilst you take the leave you're entitled to. Don't let him make you believe he's "allowing" you to be a stay at home mum at the moment, it's your legal right to take maternity leave which is why people who don't qualify for a work place paid maternity leave get statutory maternity leave allowance from the Government.

As the poster above said, this sounds like the beginnings of financial abuse.

Also make sure you are the one claiming Child Benefit, in your name, don't rely on him claiming in his name and transferring your national insurance entitlement to you. If you do split up you'll have a helava job getting him to transfer the claim to your name as hes already showing control issues surrounding money. You have national insurance contributions paid through the child benefit until your child is 12, make sure it's in your name incase you need to work part time, which you probably will if he's already quibbling over £77 when he has £4k disposable income each month, over 4 x what you have, and so will probably also not be too happy about contributing to nursery fees.
Sorry you're going through this during what should be a joyous bonding time

Point out if you go back to work he will have half the nursery fees to pay instead, plus child maintenance when you finally leave.

Honestly, him being that tight and expecting me to sacrifice years of career progression and flitter away my savings to raise his children, while he sits on thousands of pounds of disposable income would be an instant and irreversible ick.

The only fair way imo would be all in one pot. Once everything essential is paid, and I'd include a separate "baby fund" amount in that, split what's left (if you must) to save or spend as you each wish.

She's on Maternity Leave, from her job, her baby is only 6 months old.

I’ve been divorced for 25 years, worked full time, paid for my own house, car, everything my child needed, and got my nails done. My husband was not a team player.

This!

That is a lifestyle choice not a job

The DWP dont see it that way. Are you her husband?

Well £680 isn’t a lot of covering all the things you mention. You can cut down things though. I don’t do nails and my phone bill (Lebara pay as you go) is £9 and I’m pretty happy about it.

So you need to come in an agreement:
he either pays for groceries and you do baby stuff and maybe some top up groceries of £30 per week OR you open a joint bank account (but keep your separate ones too) where he puts in 350 and you 250 and you pay from that one all groceries and baby stuff, apart from your nails and clothes.
Then you can make a budget for nails and clothes for you and phone bill. Maybe up to £150. The the rest (£280) you promise to save a bit for your last 3 months of unpaid mat leave if you decide to have those or for a bit extra for your holidays, whatever, so he doesn’t feel all this pressure. Like a little fund but not into your main savings so he knows that you can help a bit with something if needed.

if you could make him agree to either pay for everything apart from baby stuff OR pay in a joint account the set amount would be really helpful. He then feels a bit in control but he actually you’re going to be better off.
Some guys just don’t like to give allowances. Let him think this is a better deal. I did that with mine. I just told him, I’m stay at home mum with les money I take care of baby stuff and top up groceries that’s it. He paid for everything else. Later we changed our arrangements but this was the baby years.

Remind him that full time nursesy for a 6 month old is 2k a month does he want to pay for that if he forces you back to work early?

Why can't all money go into 1 account and you both put £x amount into your savings and have £x each for fun money, everything else just comes out the joint account, there's none of this "I pay for this" "you pay for that", honestly who has time for that when you have kids, it just comes out the account and it doesn't matter who earned the money. I wouldn't agree to be a sahm without the same access to money and the reassurance that you both have equal savings. Also money should be going into a pension for you, or you'll have a gap where you've paid £0 in for several years. All this should have been discussed before you decided to try for children.

You are still on mat leave, but I'd go back to work once mat pay is up if this was my setup.

I’m sure the OP agrees with this too - it’s not her you need to convince!

@fireflies9 keep your job and your financial independence - you don’t want to be asking for housekeeping money like a tradwife. Your husband will just have to earn more to pay for nursery fees, and in a few years school will be free.

Another test who wants a baby, doesn't want his partner to work and yet won't share money. Good luck you're going to need it.

So he said he'd top up your money to £1k a month now baby is here he's going back on that. I'd put baby into childcare which he needs to pay half of and go back to work. I'd not ever have another DC with him. He is prioritising his savings over providing for his baby. If he didn't change I'd be looking to leave him because he's selfish and probably won't change.

Aside from some dubious financial choices overall (holidays and cars that you don't seem to quite be able to afford) I just can't fathom married couples with children that don't have combined finances. Whether you like it or not, they ARE combined. See what happens if you get divorced.
In short he needs to grow up and realize he can't penalize his wife for needing to buy food, and you need to have an overall discussion about finances and budgets. But the first point is vital. You cannot live that way.

This. I have voted YABU for not having a shared account and being able to access the household income.
What were your plans for going back to work, are you taking a year? Who is then paying for childcare?

Never agree to a system where the earner keeps "their" money and pays all the big bills and you get a small pot thats supposed to cover all the childrens stuff & your own. This is what men do who don't want to accept the reduction in lifestyle that comes with having a child and/or having a sahm.

Go back to work. He can't afford you at home.

WTAF?

The baby’s father needs to step up and pay to support his child.

Any 'system' where he has more disposable income than you, and more savings than you, is unfair on you, puts you in a vulnerable position and is edging into abuse territory.

He loves to tell you he's providing for you but there's apparently no appreciation for the fact you're raising your child.

If he's quibbling over money now, whilst you're getting some maternity pay, how do you expect things to go as a SAHP, without any income at all?

The only fair way i- whether you're working or not - s that you both have equal spending money and everything else goes to bills/expenses and equal savings. In fact if anything you have more spending money whilst you're off or part time as you will need to entertain the baby.

How will you get money after your maternity leave ends?

60k will be around £3700. Your entire monthly outgoings are £1k? Does that include council tax, gas and electricity, sky, mobile phones, car insurance, life insurance? It seems minuscule. He can’t have £4K ‘disposable’ income off £60k once he’s paid £1k because he won’t own £4K to start with, but if that calculation is right he will have around £2.7k- so where is it going?

Is the business doing well or is he hiding financial difficulties? Do you pay attention to the cost of your household bills and accounts? I would want to see them every month- especially if the house was in my name also.

£60k is not a large ammount to finance deposits for two new cars (is it in your name if it’s through ‘the business’?) big holidays, mortgages, nails, clothes and general day to day living.

Personally I’d be going back to work in these circumstances. Either your husband is in dire straits financially and hiding it from you or he’s keeping all his money for himself and intends to leave you with child benefit only when mat pay finishes. Either way screams get a job and don’t leave yourself vulnerable.

Maternity leave is by definition leave from a job that is sitting waiting for you. So she has a job in that sense.

She also has an unpaid job of raising a tiny infant. If she can't do it, someone will have to be paid to I.e. it's also a job.

It would be a HUGE mistake not to go back to work.

Also to have any more children until this fully fully resolves.

This is / is the start of financial abuse.

You arent functioning as a team and he isnt acting in good faith.

You'd be very foolish to make yourself vulnerable to a man who prioritises living in this way (ie. ME & MY WANTS > wife and kids)
My dh and I centre pretty much all decisions around is this best for the family? how does this impact our family? Does this impact our joint long terms goals?

We make 250k and take packed lunches to work because financial security for us and our kids is more important than a baguette from pret.

Stop doing your nails (its not necessary) and put it in a savings account in your name...as a woman you are more vulnerable and if shit hits the fan will have bigger financial obligations due tonthe kids... therefore you should have access imo to 10k or so as an emergency fund.

Do not pay the deposit on a car that will be owned by his business, if the deposit has to be paid it needs to come from his business account.

So he wants to spend all your saving on day to day stuff, big holidays, renovations, and a deposit on a business car ( which you won't be able to drive because "business" ) but not touch his own? Massive red flags!