Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

No they won't because you can gift any amount to anyone without any tax being due - unless you know otherwise?

You'd easily be able to identify the family if you knew them wouldn't you! If it's true if course but there's loads of detail

He’s an adult, you simply can’t decide how he should live his life. Life is really short, he’s seeing the world and enjoying that life. Life is also long enough that he has time to work it out. 25 is no age at all, he’s got plenty of time to have a career and decide how he wants his life to look.

The issue really is that you no longer have control over how they live and spend money. If you feel that giving money, without requirements attached, isn’t benefiting them then you have the power to stop that. Have them all move out, stop any allowances. That’s your choice. You just can’t control how they spend their own money (even if reckless), and how you talk about your children verges on disdain. that’s not really healthy and you should look at how you’ll relate to them in adulthood, as they won’t rush home to a parent that is so hostile to them.

Re future inheritances and financial gifts, you absolutely can choose to have requirements for that. For example, money will only be given for a house deposit (and paid upon exchange). If they don’t want to use the money for that, you don’t have to give it. I’d also speak to your husband as the bank of mum and dad isn’t necessarily helping your kids and is making you resentful.

It is not just what parents do. It is who they meet at uni and at work as well. They can slide into rich kid circles, even if they were state educated or came from middle class backgrounds and that can skew their expectations. If their friends are doing X, Y and Z and that is considered “cool” then they can make bad long term choices, based on choices their own friends can make as they have financial backing all the way.
I have friends who are extremely rich - it is not always apparent when you are 21 or younger how rich your friends really are. You sometimes discover the extent of their wealth years and years later and then you realise why they did certain things or made certain choices.

You don’t know me so how do you know how I “picture people”? I think you are making some massive assumptions. If you read what I’d written, it was on the lines of some people with money are hardworking (+ resilient), others not so much. The same as people with less money. In all walks of life, people vary.

The OP asked had she done the right thing by overindulging her DS, I said perhaps not, as have many others.

You don’t sound very happy with life, so whatever is going on for you, I hope things improve. Take care.

I am loving your passive-aggressive posts 😂

I don't know you, I just read what you write. I know you are not trying to be, but you are funny. I am sure you'll eventually manage to start an argument with someone but in the meantime, you take care dear.

The Bible. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2025%3A14-30&version=ESV
Maybe the prodigal son is a better example.

I’m just catching up with this thread now and it’s still very active this evening. Hope the OP @YourOpenShakeris ok as nothing posted from her since last night.

The son was given a gift. If you receive a large sum of money, you spend it on what you want. Wanting to go on holiday isn't restricted to 50 yos.

I agree, @TheBestThingthatAlmostHappened , the money’s been spent, there’s no point discussing it further.

What’s happening now is what the OP should focus on. If she no longer wants to financially support her DS, she needs to convince her DH that it’s the right approach.

He behaved utterly irresponsibly with a gift of £50k - that doesn't bode well.

bode well for what? Spending away the next cash gift he gets? 😂
Might as well if they come so frequently

But if I’ve read it correctly, the son earns £100,000 from tik tok? Or is it that he’s got 100,000 followers? I find the posts a bit unclear

Thing is 24k in 12 months is just about full time minimum wage. So spending a bit more than that in 12 months isn’t huge amounts of spending. It’s more the expectation in our culture to put any cash gifts towards a housing deposit, which is the British thing to do. Gen Z may simply have a different outlook on all of this, including the cash by social media presence.

Unfortunately thats what happens when you have more money than sense, he was given such a large sum at a time he wasn't mature enough to receive it to use it well. Hopefully he will have more sense when he receives an inheritance from grandparents.

But it averages out at around £600 a week for partying AND travelling the globe, that isn"t extravagant, at least he didn"t do it on the plastic like a lot of folk nowadays?

Why do you think you have failed as a parent? I always wonder why people think parents are responsible for their every move. When do parents accept that their children have grown up and have their own personalities?

Do you still do what your parents tell you all of the time? Of course you don't.

I wouldn't have given someone in their early 20s £50K but to be honest my son has access to this Child Trust Fund which has grown quite a bit over the years as we added to it. It isn't £50K but it is five figures.

I am sure that your son will treasure his memories of the travel and it sounds like he will get a good job and earn enough to save a deposit etc. It's certainly not the end of the world.

I also wish people would stop using "gifting". The OP's son was GIVEN the money (as a gift or present, whichever you prefer).

You gift land, you give everything else.

What a nasty comment.

And while I'm on grammar and expressions, people don't parent, they are parents.

I was not being "parented" in my early 20s! For goodness sake,

How is it nasty to repeat what the OP has said? She's vented here about both her children being spoilt, entitled and lazy and admitted she knows it's her fault! She's literally said they've had far too much given to them. But venting here and blaming them isn't going to help the situation - only making changes to how she deals with her adult kids will.

I wasn't in need of parenting in my 20s either. I left home at 18 and never went back and by OP's son's age was in full time work and paying my own way. But the young adults of today by and large are very different. A lot still live at home, which is a mixture of housing and job market issues and readiness for adult life, and parents are often still very much actively parenting them. Goodness me, here on MN people are still excusing the dreadful behaviour of 20-somethings because some study said the brain doesn't fully mature until 30!

Don't care if you don't like "parent" being used as a verb, it's common parlance.

I wouldn’t say you’ve failed as a parent.
Your son has chosen to spend his money and time travelling. He’s been lucky to be able to do this, snd hopefully he’s had a great time and has had interesting experiences and memories. This has been his choice, and whilst it wasn’t your idea of the best way to spend the money, its experiences he wouldn’t have been to have otherwise.
Let him get on with it. But have some discussion with DH about presenting a united front and being honest with each other. Him slipping DS 9 grand behind your back is a breach of trust.

Good advice @DelphiniumBlue . What’s done is done, it’s what happens going forward that’s important.

It's his money, true, but I'd be furious and disappointed in equal amounts. He sounds like he's turned into a lazy, feckless oaf. I'd throw him out as well.

He has travelled half way round the world, he may have been pissed for a lot of that time but he is not lazy or feckless, he also managed to get a good degree? so no, not lazy and feckless, that is the people lying on the couch all day while taxpayers fund their lifestyle.

Done the hard work previously, yes, no doubt of that. Turned into a lazy, feckless oaf now or else you wouldn't be on here venting your fury.