Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

Well said.

What happens when they become parents? Their children will have the same entitled attitude yet the parents will already have wasted the money and also lack a work ethic to earn it. Another disaster on the horizon.

I doubt it. By the time they're parents, they'll probably have inherited again and be extremely comfortably off.

I think people are applying working/middle class values to upper class people. The upper classes don't live the same lives as us. They don't end up losing their houses or not being able to afford medical or care bills. My FIL had £12,000 in ONE of his many accounts ready to withdraw. He sent a rude message to a family member telling them off for using money in a savings account to buy a car because they'd missed out on £30K in interest. (For the record, he is a lucky working class Scrooge but the point stands about rich people being insulated from consequences and living a different life.)

I don’t really understand why you just handed over so much money to him. If I gave my son that kind of money it would be for one reason only, a deposit on a property and he would know it. I actually wouldn’t even be ‘handing’ the money to him, it would have gone straight on the property.

If your children are spoilt it’s because they have been given too much too soon.

Your husband needs to agree, no more bail outs. You son has an engineering degree from Oxford, he can most certainly look after himself now.

I am not sure you know what "standing on your own 2 feet mean".

Some parents have always helped out their kids, family money has always been used to get a better start, that's what it's for.

What will prevent young adult to have any resilience is not money, it's the ridiculous attitude of some people who are on here, and can't leave their 17 yo home alone for a weekend, or who faint at the idea of a teenager spending an afternoon in central London. Or even worst, parents who get involved at University and send CV and try to get involved with their kids job hunting.

Getting in debts at Uni, being unable to afford a decent first home, it's a complete waste.

That's not exactly true is it. Some do have jobs, but there are plenty of children very reasonably making the most of their parents wealthy, and being "kept" by parents who pay for their practice, or pay everything while the children are on various unpaid - or very poorly paid - internships sometimes around the world.

Oh I agree @YourGreenCat especially about the internships. But he’s not learning his craft exactly, he’s sitting in their house posting content on TikTok. Which is fine in itself and may turn into a great career, but I don’t see why he can’t get another job in the meantime so he’s less dependent on his parents. Let alone asking that his gf comes to live with them-that’s just ridiculous!

Unless his TikTok content really is making him 100K as someone posted upthread. If that’s the case, why don’t he and his gf get their own place?

Yes ,I totally understood that, she also said that her kids were all spoilt, didn't want to work etc. My post was in reply to Blueshoes saying I was snide and smug.💕

It’s often the difference between old and new money though. Paul McCartney grew up working class, we don’t know how Stella and her siblings were raised but I find there are differences in attitudes to money between people who have never known any different and those who worked their arses off to get it.

With respect @YourGreenCat I know exactly what “standing on my own 2 feet” means as I’ve done that since the age of 15 when I first worked part time (whilst studying of course). Not everyone has “family money” to draw on, I certainly didn’t. Am I resilient? I think most people who know me would say that I am (very).

Not sure about your other points - I was talking about financial independence. Take care.

Forgetting about the 50K, the current issue is that the OP no longer wants to subsidize her son and her DH does.

Yep, this is definitely your fault. Why on earth you’d give a what 22/23 year old £50k is absolutely mind boggling. Of course he quit work because he had 50k in the bank and he knows he can always run to mummy and daddy for handouts. Hope you have plenty of money!

If there's more money to come, it's his to waste.

He's making money on TikTok, wish I could do that, it's no less a real career than anything else.

Is the money yours or your husbands? Why does he take all the decisions?

I think you sound quite bitter.

The money wasn't from op. Reading comprehension sucks here.

we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him.

Some of the money WAS from OP and her dh.

Yes, it does suck, doesn't it?

Given OP said "we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him."

Which means, yes, she did give him some of the money.

Maybe before you confidently stride in and correct people, you should at least read the opening paragraph?

My point is that having family money doesn't make you any less resilient. It makes you lucky, but it never means working any less hard - on the contrary, the expectations from most wealthy families are higher and the kids are expected to achieve a lot more

How do you gift someone their own money? By which I mean money that was always meant for them . Released the money to him perhaps not gifted.

Aw, poor wealthy people @YourGreenCat - my heart bleeds. I don’t think any sweeping generalisations can be made around family money. I’ve met many wealthy people through my education and career. Some wealthy and hardworking, others wealthy and entitled. It’s the same with people born to non-monied families, some hard working and do everything to get out of that situation, others, happy to settle on benefits. No judgements. I’m lucky that my parents (as non-wealthy people) had high expectations of my independence - they did me a huge favour. All the best.

You sound like Dexter's mum from One Day.

He'll find his way. Yes, stupid boy. But he'll grow up eventually when reality bites.

All teenagers and young people are selfish and lazy pretty much. I know I was. I'd have blown the whole 50k on handbags and brunches.

I would suggest not making the same money mistake with your younger two though.

OP and her DH added to the inheritance money which is why they said "gifted", I'm guessing.

Your husband is an idiot. Hth.

But your parents I assumed worked hard and actually a bonus is a reward for work. At 50 they deserve a bit of luxury.

Why is something wasted if it is work?

My children are privately educated and I know a lot of wealthy parents-old and new money. It’s more lily new money acts like this. Old money are old money because they are careful with money and make it work hard.

I am not sure why you felt the need to get your tiny violin out, who's asking you to feel sorry for anyone?

It's just funny that you seem so keen on picturing everyone with family money as having no resilience, no independence. If it makes you feel better about yourself and you need feel superior, go ahead. All the best.

Well if you wanted your son to understand the value of money it was up to you to teach him while he was younger. Knowing he had no concept of money you gave him £50K and then complain that he spent it! It sounds like he has had a whale of a time travelling and it has resulted in a girlfriend and a job he enjoys. I can't seem him finding much issue with any of that tbh. Just because you don't understand tiktok doesn't mean it isn't a viable way to make a living. He will have his degree to fall back on if it doesn't work out. You don't have to have you whole life and career mapped out at 25. At some point he may regret not saving some of the £50k or he may not. It's his life.

I think you really need to calm down and back off. Just because he didn't choose the path you mapped out for him doesn't mean he is doing anything wrong. You just can't give a 23 yo a huge sum of money with no strings attached and then complain about how he spent it. I would however be mad at your husband for sending him another £9k without discussion but then it depends on your finances/relationship really. You can't be mad at your DH for being happy that you DS is having adventures and appears to be enjoying life. Maybe he wishes he could have travelled more or earned money by not doing a 9-5 job.