Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

My son is getting about £18k next month but it absolutely comes with strings because he is 18 and ridiculous with money. We’ve sat down and discussed with him how hard we have saved for 18 years and we don’t want it pissing up the wall. This is what you should have done. My son is spending £5k on a car, putting £12k into a LISA (which he is doing £4k in March, £4k in April and giving us £3k to look after for a year while he saves another &1k for next April) and then £2k ‘fun money’ so basically spend however he likes. He is fine with this because we have all sat down and talked about it.

we have also said that when he gets a full time job he either gives us a % as rent or he can invest the % each month himself (as we would have invested it and given it back to him when he moves out). But, we need to see this investment if that’s what he choooses.he’s a good kid and has no problem with that, it teaches them some salary sacrifice and he can see how an investment will grow.
maybe you need to be firmer and giving a 23 year old £50k with no strings attached was never going to end well

He met a girl over in Australia, she has moved to be with him here, works in a cafe, lovely girl but now he wanted her to move into our house for a few months

No no no no no

So now a normal, responsible and sensible life is undesirable, is it? While going wild on spending money and using drugs and booze is?
Going travelling while finding local jobs, immersing yourself in the place and culture, facing challenges = great learning experience
But this young man did not do that.

I mean, do not get me wrong. If you want a couch potatoe that has a bottomless wallet and drinks and party all day, most of us can do it!

50k directive is wasted if it’s spent not working and drinking beer.

if it were me, I’d have given him £x for travel and kept the rest aside.

This, exactly.

Why is there this weird “bank of Mum and Dad” culture nowadays? I absolutely understand helping adult children out to buy a house, at the right time, if you can afford it. However to just dole out multiple thousands of pounds for the achievement of graduating and getting a job is extravagant and foolhardy. Not surprising that OP’s son has taken advantage and interpreted that as free rein to fritter it away. He probably thinks “there’s plenty more where that came from”.

Part of becoming an adult is about learning to stand on your own two feet, make a living for yourself and build resilience. As for those “expecting an inheritance” it may not ever come with care home fees currently standing at around £5K per month.

We are in danger of bringing up whole generations of young adults who remain forever dependent on older generations and cannot stand on their own two feet.

If anyone else of means is wondering whether their privileged children would ever do this, there’s a very easy test that IFAs recommend when your child reaches 18 or 21.

You give the child a sum of money that is huge for them but not quite so huge for you - a term’s school fees for example, or enough to buy a second hand car.

Sit back and see what happens.

Then make future inheritance plans accordingly.

Three or four siblings raised in exactly the same way will nonetheless behave in three or four different ways.

A young adult who struggles with impulse control shouldn’t be given cash or shares but could be given a property which is harder to liquidate, especially if it’s in a trust.

when she gave up her job and asked for money, did you give it to her?

pleae say that you didn’t!!

I think this is a common scenario actually.
My colleague saved her monthly child benefit for her DS in an ISA from the first month of his life up until it stopped when he was 18. She left it in the ISA a few more years and gave him the lump sum last year when he turned 21. Her instructions to him were for him to use it to pay for driving lessons, buy a car, and to bank the rest into his own personal savings account to build towards a house deposit. Instead, he spent the lot in 6 months in pubs, clubs and package holidays with mates.
How you spend over £25,000 on having a good time with mates in 6 months is beyond me. But he did.
Still hasn't had a single driving lesson.
My colleague can barely speak to him at the moment, such is her fury.

But will your husband??

Exactly. Sounds as if he's actually working quite hard, just not in a 'traditional' profession. I bet if he joined a marketing company and went to an office 5 days a week, the OP would be fine about it. But social media influencing is a very crowded market and it sounds as if this chap is very good at it. What exactly is the problem?

He's caught between spending like an adult but being dependent like a child.

He needs to live like an adult by paying his own way - rent, utilities, food - without relying on anyone else, just like independent adults have to. Up to him to earn the money etc.,if thats YouTube but struggling for rent, that's up to him.

Durham & Oxbridge have a high proportion of privileged students, so potentially he's just living his life how his friends are. If he can then walk into a nepotism job in his 30's...?

This is what I also said in a previous post , however if they were making good money from it then they wouldn’t have spaffed through the £48k on top of earnings- like others I suspect probably a coke or gambling problem - that area of the world , ‘travellers’ and lots of young pretty entitled people does im afraid attract a ton of drugs -

So did you or his grandparents give it to him?
You said you did, and now that it was his grandparents. Did you have control over when it was handed over or was it put in Trust by his grandparents and he received it w/o you enabling it?

Sounds like he never really learnt the value of money, did he? I don't think it's that crazy for a young person to spend an amount like that so frivolously. He is young. You would have been better off gifting it to him as a house deposit. But you trusted him to make a more adult decision than he was capable of.

The fact your DH gifted him an extra £9k, and doesn't see your viewpoint that the money, gifts etc are causing your children problems, is the biggest concern IMO. How are you supposed to teach them anything, if they always have one parent they can run to when they run out of cash?

You need to be united, and stand firm. No more handouts, no more cash. They'll never learn how to be responsible otherwise.

@travelallthetime that sounds very sensible but to be very picky you said you have sat him down now ?
Does that mean prior to this there was no money training ?
Why do you need to see his investment ?
Have you already shown him how to invest in the stock market ?

Interestingly the times paper has a campaign for 15 hours of proper investment education for young people in schools.

Mine have been exposed to our family financial spreadsheet with how each month every penny is accounted for and goes "somewhere " including into fun stuff.
They see us budget and I've also exposed them to my invements for many years.
My 12 year old understands what a business moat is and why it's a gamble to buy individual shares.
She knows about my own risk with rolls Royce .

They both have sipps and we watch their investments go up and down and they hopefully know not to panic when they tank.

They understand the importance of volume and diversity.

Once they hit 18 I'm hoping they are well versed into why and how to hang onto their.money.

However this will be their journey and we don't control that once they get possession of their money.
That's the start of their journey.

I would flip it. From his point of view he has graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree. That's an achievement that represents years of hard work. He used the £50k to fund a ridiculously expensive gap year experience, bit he still had his degree and still has his whole life to make the sensible choices.

My brother had similar both he and I inherited a similar amount mid 20's he blew it all I put it towards buying a house. In our 50's now and our lives have gone in very different directions he still doesn't own a house. Same upbringing he is just irresponsible imo.

The temptation to blow such a sum must have been huge.

We have been putting money into S&S ISAs for the Gdcs, to which they’ll have access at 18 - eldest now 10 - by which time it should come to a fairly substantial sum.

Of course the thought of them blowing it all worries me. I don’t know whether either of us will still be here by the time they reach 18, so I’m going to leave them each a letter, pointing out how much harder it is to earn or save money than to spend it, so while blowing a little will be OK, they will very be glad of such a lump sum later, when they eventually want to buy a home of their own.

That's not exactly true is it. Some do have jobs, but there are plenty of children very reasonably making the most of their parents wealthy, and being "kept" by parents who pay for their practice, or pay everything while the children are on various unpaid - or very poorly paid - internships sometimes around the world.

When families can afford it, it makes a lot more sense to building your career intelligently than stupidly pretending "I am doing it on my own" and being kept back by the lack of funds.

Now if the OP expected the money to go towards a mortgage, she should have made it clear it wasn't a gift, but a gesture towards the mortgage. Instead of being a jealous controlling unreasonable mother.

I think all the people saying “great to go travelling” are nuts. Yes it’s great to go, but cost neutral, working part time as you go, not spending a massive gift from Grandparents on it. I’d be furious too, especially the lying.

I wouldn’t throw him out but I’d feel like it, otherwise he has the benefit of being housed, warm, fed etc with no effort

I’d spend some time on spreadsheets and looking at income/ tax/ cost of living/ pensions/ how it’s crucial to always have savings/ how dangerous debt it/ how long it would take to save a similar amount. Don’t delegate this or assume he knows, or let him avoid this. This will take time, it is not a couple of conversations. Even if he’s very clever, it is worth working this out and him getting into good financial habits now. After this he could listen to Dave Ramsey book if he is in anyway getting on board.

At some point you have to let him make his choices but he should know debt can be awful and be a factor in marriage ending, life’s stifled and suicide. He should avoid this at all costs. Then DO NOT subsidise him, don’t help him get out of tricky situations, he can learn and do this.

Finally if not tell him he is getting more money but give any inheritance at age 35 and treat all siblings the same.

It’s become one of my most favourite musings and I’ve been able to apply it when thinking about Andrew and equally my spoilt entitled step son.

Wealth without work….

Yes but you are saying that happiness should be the OPs main concern. Of course her son is happy. Who wouldn’t be happy if you get gifted 50k with more to come…

Sounds like you and your DH have very different values you’d like to instil in your DC.

Your DH should respect your values and look to compromise, rather than unilaterally decide how to respond to their requests or expectations of financial support as adults.

IMHO we poorly serve our DC if we don’t encourage them to take responsibility for themselves as adults.

@YourOpenShaker you can't change what's happened so far but you can change what you do next. Your kids are so far out of reality with a safety net at all times to bail them out. You need to out a stop to the free unlimited cash. How is your daughter funding her uni course, accommodation fees??? Please tell me you haven't given her an allowance? How did your son manage? If your daughter wants to spend her summer vacation out with her friends then she will need to pay for it. They need to develop a work ethic and understanding of how real life works.
I was a straight A student many moons ago, got a part time job at 16 and worked all the way through university to fund my living expenses. For the last 2 years of uni I worked 25 hours per week and in summer holidays I worked 3 jobs, working every day. It did me the world of good. My parents told me they'd stop giving me money when I got a job, and that included working part time at 16. They've obviously helped me when I've needed it but I'd never ask and I've never asked - I think its shameful behaviour that your kids have the audacity to keep asking you to bail them out, it's embarrassing. I would be mortified.

I’d have loved to take a break after my years of university and travel a little.
No gap year for me ..straight from school to university and I had to manage by myself.
My parents literally didn’t give me a penny , I worked in the holidays and once I’d finished my degree I was straight to job hunting and then work .
He absolutely is spoiled !
My oldest child worked , saved , traveled .
Did run low on money towards the end of their travels so did babysitting in a resort for their living expenses we also sent them a little £ to tide them over till their return flight home