Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

If it's their inheritance what business is it of yours how grown adults spend it.

@LeedsLoiner It should have been put in trust by the donor. Not sure why these dc don’t want to work and have no ambition. Clearly a personality trait. They also know there’s money, so put it in trust before it’s given.

All this "they need to be responsible", "they need to know how life works "....wake up!

This is how life works! Money goes to money. Rich people always get richer. Rich people, backed by their rich families, don't need to work! Their families will always keep them warm, well-fed and housed.

When his liver can't handle anymore, he'll walk into a job with a salary most of us real people will never get near. He's getting an inheritance from his grandparents but if he's that clever, he's probably already realised that one-third of an even bigger inheritance is coming down the line at some point too.

If he ever uses his degree, hopefully at some point, us taxpayers will get some benefit.

@Existentialistic I broadly agree with you. Apart from:

We are in danger of bringing up whole generations of young adults who remain forever dependent on older generations and cannot stand on their own two feet.

Such is the gross inequality in UK and many nations, the other half of the generation is growing up homeless, sharing beds as teenagers in temporary accommodation. Or in abject, grinding poverty in areas where there’s little meaningful work available to them, however hard they try. Or with little hope of ever owning a home of their own. It takes great resilience, strength and determination to overcome that.

Apparent in recruitment and the workplace. Spoilt, entitled youngsters, whose parents have brought them up to be infantilised and dependent, often lack drive, responsibility, initiative or resilience.

The most notable achievers and innovators of their generation may not come from their side of the equality divide.

@ILikeKeirStarmer My dc have had considerable money from us. One is a hard working barrister and the other has her own interior design business working for glam hotels. Do not ever think the dc of the better off don’t want to work! They have not swanned off around the world spending our money or anyone else’s. DH was self employed and DD both are too. DD1 as a barrister works with many bright people and many of them privately educated. Some even did law at Durham. They work. Bloody hard!

I get you @EdithBond , and have worked with many marginalised people myself over the years, so yes, absolutely realise that there are many adult children who don’t have these “privileges”.

Perhaps I should rephrase my statement:

The privileged classes (and even those who aren’t so privileged but for some reason decide to sacrifice their life savings to adult kids) are in danger of bringing up whole generations of young adults who remain forever dependant on older generations and cannot stand on their own two feet.

Do you think many people in their early 20s (so before the brain is even fully developed) would know how to deal with that sort of money as a lump sum? Why on earth did you give him so much, so young? It’s just madness. A better option would have been to keep it until he was older and needed to purchase his first house, imagine it combined with the next lot of inheritance he’s due to get… He’d have had a sizeable deposit.

You have spolit them both and haven’t taught either of them the value of money. It’s very common in wealthy households, particularly old money because you’ve always had it so don’t know the benefit of properly earning it and building up from the bottom. The fact your DH just gave him 9k to carry on travelling says an awful lot.

It’s up to you how you approach it but I would tell him he’s on his own and needs to get his arse to work.

Yep look at Stella MCCartney - huge work ethic - it’s a really individual thing- I work in music and I know many absolutely useless, entitled, comfortably off offspring - often really nice, not horrible, just zero work ethic , lots of what used to be called EuroTrash . Equally I know a few who ‘could’ have gone down that route but didn’t, they took a bit of help that was offered and then made good use of it and really forged their own successful paths or even went into public service.

“Do you think many people in their early 20s (so before the brain is even fully developed) would know how to deal with that sort of money as a lump sum? ”

”We are in danger of bringing up whole generations of young adults who remain forever dependent on older generations and cannot stand on their own two feet.”

Don’t tar everyone with the same brush. My son inherited some money (not as much as op’s son) but he knew it was with the intention of a house deposit, and he brought a flat with it at the age of 23. My other son said to me recently that he had some money left over at the end of the month so he put it into his savings. He also direct debits saves some of his salary automatically each month.

Amongst my son’s friends, the majority are employed and are hard working. I know the young adult generation are labelled as ‘snowflakes’ , and I’ve seen a fair few, but there’s also a large cohort of hard working young men and women out there.

All very identifying, so much detail

How is he identifiable?

It’s not identifying because these people don’t exist!

Although Stella McCartney went to a state school to keep her grounded!

Why is anything in life wasted if it’s not work?

Thing is though there must have been signs before the age of 18 when the OP chose to give away such a big sum. My children are much younger (primary age) and I can see already a massive difference in their default approach to money. One likes accumulating and one is a spender. We’ll be spending the next decade trying to make the spender less impulsive and flippant before she is an adult. Part of that is already starting by giving her a small budget for something like a fair and not bailing her out if she runs out, getting her to be a bit more conscious about spending and choices. The spender is going on an optional school ski trip and we asked her to contribute from her own birthday/Christmas money so she really had to think about whether she valued it enough to pay something towards it.

there is no way I would have transferred over £9k to bail out an adult who had ripped through £50k travelling. As a safety net I’d have been prepared to pay a flight home on the condition that money was repaid but I would not have done as the OP’s DH did and encourage more travel and spending. There have been no consequences or opportunities for learning at all for the son.

Yes I’m not sure why the young adult dc are being described as if it’s just noticeable.

I don't think you've failed as a parent, but holy shit, I'd be horrified too.

Here's the thing: you cannot change what he's done, and the fact is that you do only get one life and it's kind of wonderful that's he enjoyed himself immensely as a result of the generous gift from his grandparents.

However: he's made his choices and now he needs to figure out what he's going to do next and how he'll be funding his own life. I would be talking to your DH and making sure exactly ZERO massive handouts are coming his way again, and I would absolutely not be facilitating anything like allowing him to live at home rent-free while not working, or paying for his rent elsewhere while he looks for a job. He's had a great time but life isn't always going to be that level of fun and somebody else is not always going to fund things. Figure out your boundaries going forwards and be prepared for your son to learn some tough lessons and to possibly complain about it. There are consequences to his choises; let him feel them.

You absolutely have not failed as a parent, your son just has different values and made different choices than you - you have decades of life experience, he doesn't. But he's young and has plenty of time and has everything he needs to achieve whatever he wants. It'll be okay.

Yep she did - some of the ones I know from that background though also did state school -

But still you'll never get it right
'Cause when you're laid in bed at night
Watching roaches climb the wall
If you called your dad he could stop it all, yeah

You'll never live like common people
You'll never do whatever common people do
You'll never fail like common people
You'll never watch your life slide out of view
And then dance and drink and screw
Because there's nothing else to do

I doubt it, there are billions on Tiktok?

You haven't failed as a parent. Yet!

If it helps, both my children were given £50,000 at the age of 21 as well, also from grandparents. Both still have the money: one has bought a flat and the other one has invested it and is thinking of buying a flat later this year. They are 26 and 24. They have handled the money responsibly.

But the key is that if they hadn't, they wouldn't be getting any more and they knew this all along. Your son has made his own decisions and he was entitled to do that with money that he was given. What you need to make sure now is that he isn't bailed out from the consequences of those decisions and isn't given any more money. He is obviously bright and able and he will make his own way in life. It may not be the way that you would have chosen but it isn't your choice, it is his.

Your issue is with your husband, who needs to stop bailing him out and insulating him from the consequences of his decision making. Your son needs, and is entitled, to live his own life and your husband needs to take a step back to let him do so.

I think your issue is that you need to have a talk with your husband as you don't seem to be singing from the same hymn sheet at the moment.

My ds is 18 now, and his savings from when he was born have matured now. I told him that I'll give him access to the money once he passes his driving test and gets a job. I think if you're giving your child that sort of money, it's ok to discuss what that money is intended for before you give them access to it. He might totally ignore me, and spunk the money up the wall any way. But there's no more, and once it's gone, it's gone. And it's no where near £50k

Thank you, it was all down to me, it is much more difficult to instill good behaviour, values and make kids study and do homework than to say yes to them all the time and throw money at them.
It is a parents responsibility to bring their offspring up to be positive contributors to society, no one said it was easy.
I wasn't being snide at all, but I am reaping the reward of all MY hard work, so if that's smug fine.x

Agreed. No one becomes that entitled unless they were brought up as a spoiled brat.

This behaviour is down to parenting.

It was an inheritance the OPs son got. She said that in the first post