Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

[YourOpenShaker]

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

Easy come easy go.

You haven’t failed. Just let him get on with it. You have steered him into a great degree and given him money to help him start his life. Presumably he has worked very hard up until now to get his degree.

It’s essential now you give him no more money and your husband needs to get on board with this.

You did your best. He got a good degree and went travelling. He isn’t a drug dealing axe murderer. I think he sounds pretty ok.

It seems to me that you are a well off family that has tried to give your children everything. The problem is, you did, so they don't know the meaning of it. They are quite happy to sponge off mum and dad because you let them. Your son is 25, an adult!!! He can spend his money how he likes but, and this is a big but, you have no responsibility to get him out of poverty or to financially support him at all. It is hard but, sometimes, you have to let them clean up their own messes and they won't be happy about it but it will make them better people.

I still think I would say after such expensive educations you are leaving your money to Battersea!

My bff has wasted way over £1m in inheritance over the last decade. She owns no property but spends pots on big flashy rentals.
She's to inherit again but that won't last long either!

Tbh I don’t think I know anyone who went to Oxford who would spell blasé ‘blazeh’.

Need to post this in the Andrew thread

Great opportunity to go travelling as he may not have chance later in life, although to have spent the whole £50k does seem a lot. When your son ran out of money your husband should have paid for the airfare home and not given him any more money!
I wouldn’t kick him out but if he wants to stay living at home then he needs to contribute financially. This should then set an example for your younger kids and encourage them to take responsibility for their future.

So, @YourOpenShaker you recognise you've brought up spoilt, entitled, lazy kids, you gave them everything, they've no work ethic and no sense, and now one of them has spaffed £50k and then some on enjoying himself. You recognise they're a product of their upbringing and you've sown the seeds and nurtured this behaviour.

You can't change the past, but what do you want to do now to change the situation?

This may be a good resource for you. As with everything, there may be parts that resonate and parts that don't, but there might be some useful points to help you think about how you want to parent these young adults moving forward so they start to be prepared for adult life and independence, and learn to be less spoilt and entitled, because the rest of the world won't put up with their behaviour.

parentslettinggo.com/about-us-and-get-to-know-dr-jack/parents-letting-go/

I have an inkling who this might be from social media.

Yep - he needs to pay for his keep whilst at your home. And ask him what plans he has made to move out properly in the next few years, that aren’t dependent on you subbing him. Make it clear that there is no house deposit coming and that you won’t be further funding him. As his peers settle down, he may come to regret spaffing the money, but he will have had some amazing experiences travelling instead.

Unfortunately a lot of paid work is not currently rewarded appropriately, salaries are flat compared to CoL, and have been for years, so it is possible that he’s making more from social media than from being a new graduate engineer. The big money is usually through platforms like YouTube or Only Fans rather than TikTok. If that’s the case he can definitely pay his own way.

I don't think you should beat yourself up. People have different attitudes to money, even when they've been brought up in the same household.

I can relate to your post though. I didn't come from money but have always strived to get myself to a place where I'm now financially I'm comfortable. My DC, whilst they worked hard academically, are not at all motivated by money.

It sounds like you have given your children a great deal of privilege and advantage as a starting point for adult life. In that you have done a good thing. Parents on mumsnet are always being berated for not being responsible ( aka wealthy enough) to do a good job raising children.
What matters is what you do now. Stop subbing your children. If your son wants to live with you he pays rent. If your other children want money to spend on going out / clothes/ holidays hold a line where they need to have a part time job which pays for these things.
It is not easy but it can be clear. Most families have to enforce the rules above for financial reasons. But standing on your own two feet and having some responsibility for meeting your own needs builds resilience and is good preparation for adult life.
Xx

What’s done is done.

I have known similar situations where the money has been spent on gambling and porn, and a starter marriage where the totally unsuitable from day 1 spouse got a house. At least travel broadens the mind.

Stop giving your son money. Let him fend for himself for a while and see if he manages to support himself.

Also take legal advice about restricting your son’s future inheritance so he can’t access it until he’s 30, perhaps even set him up with a trust and therefore trustees. Some people are just shit with money and need external limits - it’s not necessarily your fault as parents.

Just to add some maths. He spent an average of £3278 a month in the last 18 months. Cost of living across Asia is cheap. I'd lay another 50k bet he's been putting it up his nose. Good luck with it all.

Oh, totally agree one should get on the property ladder. But not at 21.

I was 24. And I feel that was a bit early too.

The most I would have gifted would be his first flight plus a bit of spending money……..if he wanted to see the world then he funds it himself.

We could get into a detailed discussion about this and I doubt we'd really disagree over anything.
I agree that highly educated people often ignore grammar conventions out of laziness on social media, or can't be bothered to correct spelling mistakes, a kind of conceit, perhaps.
I don't have an issue with the way OP expresses herself in this post; it's just that she doesn't structure her writing or express herself as a graduate of an elite university. So there is something there that I do take exception to.

He's an adult so if he wants to spend it traveling he can. The issue is if you continue to fund him he will never learn the value with money. You need to tell him you will no longer fund his choices or gift any money so he needs think about how he will support himself as he is an adult not a child.

As for further inheritance well you can't stop that but unless its millions it not going to last for ever anyway.

Unfortunately your dh needs to be on the same. I'd be furious with dh sorry op.

All the children are being set up to fail in life

Wait, did you say he's made 100k on tiktok? Well it sounds like he is doing alright. Why are you annoyed that he is lucky and things seem easy for him? Isn't that what we want for or children? Sounds like he's earning money so what is the problem? You want him to join a law firm and if not, you are a failure as a parent? It's not about you now, he's an adult. Stop making it about you.

Well, I'll tell you how jealous I am! I went to a Russell Group uni from state school in the 1990s. Apart from 3 others, the other 10 people were all privately educated. I csn clearly see why all 3 of your rich children have gone to great universities...and don't want to work. One of the students I knew couldn't be bothered to do laundry so he put his dirty socks in the bin and bought a new pack every week.

I genuinely don't know why you're worrying. This is what children of this privileged class are meant to do - mess around, have adventures, get a bit stuck and have daddy bail them out! Was it Lady Arabella Harvey who got filmed to do this?

Sit back and chill out. Your children will be the peasant overlords soon enough. Your son will probably end up a Reform MP, telling lazy poor people that they shouldn't have wasted all their money on lattes and should have worked hard like him if they wanted a 9 bedroom house.

Maybe watch Succession? It might help.

If he'd been about to buy a house then a 50k gift would be fabulous.
Instead he did what he wanted with it.

School should be a full time job and is for those aiming for top grades.

I have known countless examples of DC with part time jobs not doing as well as they should have at A level, which then affects their university options. All for the sake of a fiver an hour.

I was 21 when got a mortgage House long paid off . But it brings me no joy. I travel regularly but do wish could've done so more when I was younger and more physically able. I can no longer do long hikes and caving and stuff like that.

The wife sound like a control freak

OP please stop saying that you failed as a parent. You DID NOT.
The grandparents gave him money. Then your husband gave him money. Now he has ti tok to sustain him but I doubt it will last that long!
Anyway, you did nothing wrong and you've been hindered by your husband here, he should have let some consequences fall onto your son.
The fact your son has spent the money and doesn't want a 9-5 job isnt the problem IMO. The real issue is more that he is false and lying constantly, and expecting to be bank rolled by others, rather than doing an honest day's work himself.Similar for your daughter - she "can't handle" working at a cafe...well once she graduates you make her work, else she can go claim benefits or do tik tok like her brother to feed her self. Leave her to it.
We had similar with a child in my family - kept finding excuses as to why he "couldn't" work (has never even worked a day so how does he know) and just sat home on video games etc. That may not have been the case, had his mum put some boundaries/expectations but she just tolerates him doing this in her home. So I think you've done the right thing telling your son to move out and face the real world we all do!

I dont think you should blame yourself.
I was gifted £100k when I was 21 and I used it to buy a house. In reality, I had been spoilt my whole life, but I knew that amount of money was to be invested, not wasted. What I’m saying is, it’s not the parents fault, sometimes adults just have that carefree personality, nothing to do with upbringing.

His money, his life, his choices (no matter how poor)