Not wanting partners family to be used as childcare

[PockerMaus]

AIBU?

Partner is military and I work for the emergency services. We have a 7 month old son. I go back to work in May and my partner has signed up for a two week exercise at the start of June.

I work long night shifts (15 hours +) so finding any reasonable childcare is very difficult other than my parents who are unable to help this week.

He has suggested his auntie comes and stays for the duration to deal with childcare. I said I would rather move some annual leave to this period as it would feel like I need to host someone as well as working/looking after my son between shifts. He is very angry that I wasn't keen on the auntie idea and has stormed off lol.

AIBU ??....

you absolutely don’t need to host
if they auntie has agreed that’s very commendable - save your leave if you can
Sounds like your over complicating this situation

I'd say save your leave for when you really need it - don't use it up if you have a childcare solution.

How well does the auntie know the child? Personally I would use AL.

I know I wouldn't need to, I just would feel like I need to. I don't know his auntie particularly well (they live a long way away) and my son still wakes up a lot in the night etc. Maybe I'm just struggling with the idea of someone looking after him for such long periods without me being there!

What's wrong with the auntie? Don't you like her? I think, if there's nothing wrong with her, you need to understand that there are two sides to the family, not just yours. DH's side of the family are probably excited and looking forward to getting involved.
And does the auntie actually want to come and childmind? Is she free???

They've met him a couple of times, she loves him a lot but we would have never left him in her care solo before this time in June.

i would be planning on raising your baby as a single parent at some point in the not too distant future

I think you should set out what would be needed to your husband - auntie will need to be able to bathe and put baby to bed. ‘on call’ overnight and make sure he says ‘wife sleeps in the day so if I was home I’d usually do XYZ, if you could help with they too I’d be grateful’. He can then have the convo to make
sure she understands that she’s there to help and not to be hosted.

my in-laws come when my husband is away, they are really helpful and do jobs in the day for us while kids are at nursery.

I don't not like her, I've met her a few times and we get on fine. She's met our son a couple of times but wouldn't have had him on her own. I think it's more me working long night shifts etc and maybe not liking the idea of leaving my son with anyone other than his dad for that length of time.. 🫣

Given the nature of your jobs it’d be daft not to utilise any family help you can

Why?

Surely as your partner won't be there, it should be your decision about who looks after your son. If you would feel more comfortable taking annual leave, that is what you should do.

Why do you say this?

Did you read his reaction?

Why worry about something that's not happening until May? Life's too short. Your child will hopefully be sleeping better by then and will be a few months older which makes a huge difference. Having childcare arranged already is amazing!

Working nights with an absent partner as this won't be the only time they'll be away isn't very child friendly unfortunately. Can you change to day shifts?

Yeah, ‘angry and stormed off lol’, it’s not like he slapped her over it. Adults can disagree and argue in relationships

I presume that they said this because your partner reacted very angrily when you weren't keen on having his aunt to stay and do childcare.

He could have discussed it calmly but he chose to lose his temper instead.

True! But if he's not, and it's too late to move my leave then we'll be in a pickle.

No I can't, I'm a firefighter and we work on a watch based system. I understand he's in the military but he's not going to war for any of these exercises so I actually think he shouldn't sign up for them at the moment whilst we have a young baby.

How did you plan to deal with situations such as this, given your particular professions, when you decided to have a child? Surely there will be many situations when you need to call on a family member to help? And your parents might not always be available, such as now?

Thank you, this is kinda how I feel! It's not that I don't like his aunties it's just effort to host after a long shift (they'll say I won't need to, but I would feel like I need to anyway as that's just me!)

Possibly, a lot of the military stuff is optional. I also would be happier when my son is a bit older, at the moment he is still BF at night etc (obviously won't always be when I go back to work) and is so reliant on me, maybe it's just a bit too early for him to be looked after by someone else for such a long time period.

I wouldn't want mine being looked after overnight by some random relative I barely knew. At that age I'd definitely use AL.

As long as one of us trusted the adult i have no issues i dont me as the mother has priority over decisions women want mem to step up and make decisions yet when they do there is a problem with that

We both had a child not just me

Weird comment. Plus it's all very well making decisions, but he's making a decision for a situation he won't be here for ?

Is it really that you’re mad he’s signed up to an exercise he didn’t have to and thinks it’s fine because he’s sorted someone to hand your child to?

becuase this is a situation where you say I’d feel like I have to host… but I know I don’t really and I will get over it.