Not wanting partners family to be used as childcare

[PockerMaus]

AIBU?

Partner is military and I work for the emergency services. We have a 7 month old son. I go back to work in May and my partner has signed up for a two week exercise at the start of June.

I work long night shifts (15 hours +) so finding any reasonable childcare is very difficult other than my parents who are unable to help this week.

He has suggested his auntie comes and stays for the duration to deal with childcare. I said I would rather move some annual leave to this period as it would feel like I need to host someone as well as working/looking after my son between shifts. He is very angry that I wasn't keen on the auntie idea and has stormed off lol.

AIBU ??....

@PockerMaus i completely understand and your feelings are valid.

i also work nights and know what it’s like to be a zombie when you get in in the mornings - I would only want someone I felt very comfortable with in my own house who I could walk around half naked with and wouldn't care if I made zero conversation, knew their way around my kitchen etc. so I completely understand the feeling like you have to host even though they say you don’t.

with regards to childcare I also completely get it. We only had my dc have their first overnight sleep at 6months and with my mum - i don’t know what it is because I know my partners family really well - they did offer but I just didn’t feel like I was ready if I’m honest. I was also bf but baby took a bottle too. I was so worried about them waking up in the night and me not being there and being inconsolable. What helped me with this was thinking - there’s nights when my child has been inconsolble even when I have been there 😂 for one night even if it is horrible for all everyone will survive. But you will resent him if you feel pushed into doing it.

Perhaps a good work around is booking the AL now - you can cancel it if things change in the future and then try having the aunt round a few times for a few hours without you guys. If she could do an overnight stay as a rekkie even better. Then just be honest and say you’re not 100% sure how you feel as so many things. Can change between now - what if he’s teething/ I’ll / clingy etc but is she happy to be on standby and you can confirm a few days beforehand?

Reassuringly the thought of leaving them especially overnight for the first time for me anyway was much worse than the reality of it. But also you have an exceptionally important job and you don’t want to be preoccupied whilst there because you’re worried about your child.

good luck

The behaviour- the stropping and stomping off plus the military too - would make me start lining my ducks up. Other people have also picked up on this and why - domesticity abusive men are very high in the military for a start and also this stropping etc is a part of domestic abuse rearing its head

Why didn’t he have the decency and manners to have the conversation with YOU before he spoke to his auntie? No you aren’t unreasonable not wanting a woman you don’t know that well effectively come and take over parenting in your house for 2 weeks

Sorry just re read OP and realised this is for 2 WHOLE weeks! Sorry but no way would I want someone I barely knew in my house for 2 weeks whilst I was doing night shifts within the 1st month of going back to work.

i suspect he may feel guilty about going away “unnecessarily” and thought he’s found a perfect solution hence why he’s thrown his toys out of the pram realising you will need to take so much time off work.

Only way to avoid AL I think is getting comfy with the Aunty asap. 2 weeks of AL is a lot to give up for this right at the beginning of returning to work which you may need if your child is sick if they’re in childcare which at the beginning is also quite common. Another option is I paid leave as PP have said.

Also i know not the point but if going back in 3 months and waking up several times a night for bf may need to consider starting to night wean now if you’re not going to routinely be able to do that when back to work

No he wouldn't get total say but if he said 'i feel more comfortable doing it this way seeing as I'm the one dealing with it' then hell yeah!

Thank you for your reply ❤️❤️ yes that's exactly it about the night shifts!!

He is a hot head. I'm the complete opposite, very relaxed and do not like conflict.

So what would you plan to do with your son while you work?

Thank you for your reply ❤️ yess I feel like it is a bit guilt ridden! But that makes it even more annoying than he's stormed off. (Literally left the house!!)

Hmm the auntie lives about 5 hours away so hard to arrange much in the meantime but always an option I suppose!!

Oh don't you worry, operation remove the boob is in full swing. It's just a much harder/longer process than I thought 😬

Well when I go back to work he'll either be at nursery or with his dad in the evenings/night time.

You need to get dc and you used to being looked after by other people now. I cant see how you can feasibly work your jobs with no overnight help otherwise.

How will that work if he's in the military? My DDs dad was and he didn't even meet her for 4 months after she was born as he was on a tour of duty. Is your DH never going to be required to do such ?

OP I would also just see if I could delay going back to work until DH is back from his trip.

Hmmm well my partner is normally 9-5 Mon - Fri so he is normally home in the evenings and I work 4 on 4 off (2 days, 2 nights, 4 off) so in general I hope it will work fine. It's only when things like this exercise come up (which is optional from the sounds of it).

That would be ideal but unfortunately I'll be out of mat pay so it would be unpaid for another 6 weeks. Not the worst suggestion though!

Most of the tours are optional. He's also done a lot in the last decade with regards to tours etc so I would think that if they're optional ATM he should not go on them and look after the family. Idk i think a lot of the military set up is very outdated.

Oh and his usual working hours are 9-5!

I work nights and I get it’s hard /weird having someone else look after your son

but dont kick a gift horse in the outhouse either

if you work 2 days 2 nights 4 off - assume days will be at nursery so it’s actually only 2 nights out of first 8 days the you need to cover

then another 2 nights which will be day 11 and 12 then another 4 days off by which time dh will be back

its not like aunty will be living with you for 2 weeks. She can go home after the 2 nights as you will have 4 days off.

Then another 2 day working(nursery ) and then will be 2 nights an 4 off

I’m now a single parent and work nights and jiggle each week which is tiring an can only work thanks for friends and family

use aunty

Fair enough. Gulf war was taking place when my eldest born

Very true, I do feel nobody can but I guess that's normal as he's so young! Unfortunately not as no family live near us so shed be travelling around 5 hours to get here. It's not that I think she would expect me to entertain her, it's more I wouldn't be able to come and just sleep at home in-between shifts knowing that there's someone in the house etc and feel guilty. (Definitely my own problem but I know what's how I'll feel).

Well at present, I don't think he should be signing up for optional things. We both have jobs where put childcare works fine with our usual hours. I can sign up for extra things with my job too but I wouldn't be doing it right now.

You say he stormed out…. Has he come back? If he has, what’s happened since then?

Is this how he is going to deal with all parenting differences of opinions… getting angry and storming out?

9-5? Is he in recruiting office or a Corps?

I understand you feel worried, by all means take AL if you feel happier. However there will be other times presumably. You can't always take time off!Can you askAuntie down for a few days before May? Just so she gets to know Babe and you may feel better.

Yes he stormed out, I called him after I'd sorted our son and put him to bed (cause I didn't realise he'd actually left the house). He was an arse on the phone, came home and we have not spoken. Excellent.

Yeah I know there'll be other times, he'll hopefully be a bit older by then! My partner has a turbulent relationship with his family and I find them all a bit hectic tbh. She's welcome to come for a few days before, maybe that's an idea I float.

He's in the signals and is a systems engineer, his unit is pretty much mon-fri. We've done years of more active units etc with yours/exercises/ski trips lol so I do think whilst we have a young baby he should just stay home as much as possible with his family.