Not wanting partners family to be used as childcare

[PockerMaus]

AIBU?

Partner is military and I work for the emergency services. We have a 7 month old son. I go back to work in May and my partner has signed up for a two week exercise at the start of June.

I work long night shifts (15 hours +) so finding any reasonable childcare is very difficult other than my parents who are unable to help this week.

He has suggested his auntie comes and stays for the duration to deal with childcare. I said I would rather move some annual leave to this period as it would feel like I need to host someone as well as working/looking after my son between shifts. He is very angry that I wasn't keen on the auntie idea and has stormed off lol.

AIBU ??....

So he got angry, stormed out, verbally abused you when you called and now is giving you the silent treatment to punish you for challenging him?

This is domestic abuse.
You and your baby are victims of domestic abuse.
Widespread in the police and military.
Please take it very very seriously.
Talk to your family and consider reaching out to Family Services.

A "hot head" is a polite false description to excuse an angry abusive man.

Please take this very seriously.
Do not brush it under the carpet.
It will only get worse, a lot worse.

You chose to have a baby with an angry man, who is now abusive.
Your baby deserves better than this.
Reach out for support.

Abuse thrives in secrecy.
This is not normal behaviour.
Don't think for a second his behaviour is normal.
It is domestic abuse.

I think it's more it's a big burden to put on someone when he's still so young. Love him to bits obviously haha but she's only seen him for a few hours of fun at at time haha as opposed to full time, waking up in the night with him etc, getting him changed/fed etc. that's all a different ball game isn't it! Hence why I would only really feel trusting of grandparents doing it (from either side) as they have been involved from the start.

We could travel up to see her but tbh it's a long journey with a young child and knowing I can sort this one myself I can't really be bothered. Ideally, we could ask her to have him in the future when my partner and I would like to do something child free!

Exactly!

It autocorrected weeks to weekends!

Does your partner understand which days he is doing the drop offs and which weekends he is solo parenting? Has he blocked these out with his work?

I am super aware of the impacts of shift work and how much stress and strain they put on relationships, family life and how little support is available from child care and others....I have lived this for 3 dc. That's why I am raising the issues and pointing out the potential problems given that you are not even back yet and you are facing taking leave.....

What happens when the baby is poorly and can't go to nursery?

Ah makes sense, I was confused 😂

Yes he does.. I've been working this for a decade so he knows my shifts well. He has put in a flexible working request with his work to take care of the time he needs to do drop off etc. his unit are pretty flexible, especially with his current job as he's not managing a troop or anything.

How did you manage it in the end? It's very difficult as I love my job and it's a secure/stable role but I feel like the pressure is always on the mum to make the sacrifice.... I've worked so hard to get where I am.

With regards to him being poorly, I guess it would just be like any other job where we'd have to take time off. My work are good with that, we can either use the unpaid days as mentioned before on this thread, use holiday last minute etc. My partner also has the option to work from home if needed whereas I can't do that with my job.

Indeed 🤷🏼‍♀️

But he has shown you, before he even goes back that he is not honouring the plan or his part of the bargain. He is absenting himself and suggesting that someone else does his share, without presumably knowing whether they actually would, whether your son would settle, whether you will be rested enough to work and presumably the aunt won't also be doing the food shopping, clothes washing and general house maintenance he would ti keep it all ticking over while you are at work or asleep?

You need to sit down and look at it all again together and plan a way forward but for it to be falling apart before you've even gone back is a significant hint at how this is going to go.

We only managed because of fixed days, fixed childcare and me working very part time. Even then I was so tired I felt ill and the stress of the dc getting multiple viral illnesses from nursery drove us to the brink.

I don't work regular shifts any more. It was incompatible with the dc needs and dh going away.

Yep.
I would be very concerned about a baby being left with an angry abusive man.

OP, I would unfortunately agree with the posters that advise that you need to think as if you're a single mother. Depending on DH's regiment/role, he will be deployed/away frequently and sometimes for long periods of time, so you will need to make plans that don't factor him or his family members as you may also be moving every few years. This may mean you changing your role from shift work to maybe something in general practice or community which means you work more sociable hours and can do nursery pick up/drop off. If you are living on base, reach out to your local community of military wives and mums, they will have a fount of advice and support for you to tap into. Don't give up work, keep your independence, build your own support networks. Good luck.

Hi, I appreciate this comment but it doesn't reflect our lifestyle. We have our own house and have never lived in military accommodation. My partner is in the signals corps and it's very much you can pick and choose when you go away/go on things. As mentioned before, he works mon-fri most of the time. I think the military set up is very outdated. Sure it may work for some people, but the fact that I would need to give up my job rather than him continue to do his but not sign up to tours away etc seems unfair.

The Signals have changed a lot since DH left 10 years ago! He was away such a lot. He was with 30 Sigs the last posting and was away more than home.

I would use annual leave in this situation. It's far to close to you just returning to work so your immediate family wouldn't have really had time to get used to the new routine so bringing another person in just seems like more hassle than it's worth.

I'd consider it if you'd been back at work 6 months and you all knew where you were a bit with feeding and night and all that but it's just what I would consider a bit too soon.

Totally agree with this. It's all a bit much at once ❤️

Excatly my point I said earlier. She didn’t need to stay a week or two. It’s 2 nights. Then another 6 off. 4 off and 2 days worked

Ah gotcha!! Yes I know right! Although we'd be booking him in for extra sessions at the nursery for my day shifts so I guess the idea is maybe we wouldn't need the nursery those days too ? I'm not sure tbh as I haven't spoken to him since he stormed off.

Ah yes I guess it depends which regiment you're in as I know some people who are away a lot but quite a few people who rarely go away!

Of course it's her say. The aunt will be living with her for a few days. She'll com home and be asleep upstairs whilst the aunt is downstairs. It's also a HUGE ask on the aunt. Why wouldn't the OP take AL?

Yes I think also my partner doesn't realise how much of a 'burden' it is on someone else. I love my son, but holy cow he is all consuming 24/7 round the clock. I feel bad even asking my mum and dad to have him overnight (they won't have him overnight until the end of May for the first time). But I feel as they're grandparents and they've spent a lot of time with him already it should hopefully be ok.

Sorry if I've missed it but has he actually asked his auntie if she'll do childcare or just assumed she will?

I’d just put in for the leave and message him: i have put in for leave at work while you are away, and I am only ready for one child not two so you can stop sulking now. You made a suggestion FOR ME, it didn’t suit me, just acknowledge that please. I’m allowed to have opinions about what will work for me, and a man choosing to go away for two optional weeks while his baby is 7 months old and his wife just back at work is the very last person’s opinion to count instead of mine.’