Not wanting partners family to be used as childcare

[PockerMaus]

AIBU?

Partner is military and I work for the emergency services. We have a 7 month old son. I go back to work in May and my partner has signed up for a two week exercise at the start of June.

I work long night shifts (15 hours +) so finding any reasonable childcare is very difficult other than my parents who are unable to help this week.

He has suggested his auntie comes and stays for the duration to deal with childcare. I said I would rather move some annual leave to this period as it would feel like I need to host someone as well as working/looking after my son between shifts. He is very angry that I wasn't keen on the auntie idea and has stormed off lol.

AIBU ??....

Yeah exactly! I get the comments saying I need to let him family help too etc but I only really ever leave him with my mum and that's because I trust her completely. He's still so young, and very dependent on me so it's really hard.

if he’s in the military and signing up for extra trips away with a baby that age I wouldn’t suggest he say we both had a child. The child is 7mo he didn’t grow it, give birth to it, nor is he prioritising being around for it so he’d be asking for a pretty sharp comment- oh fid we? How are we supposed to tell that? By the way you’re signing up to not be here to parent our child? If you don’t think you need to be around don’t go telling me I am not the one who decides what our child needs.

Yes, what an awful father taking on the responsibility of arranging childcare 🤔

if he’s in the military and signing up for extra trips away with a baby that age I wouldn’t suggest he say we both had a child. The child is 7mo he didn’t grow it, give birth to it, nor is he prioritising being around for it so he’d be asking for a pretty sharp comment- oh fid we? How are we supposed to tell that? By the way you’re signing up to not be here to parent our child? If you don’t think you need to be around don’t go telling me I am not the one who decides what our child needs.

I know you think noone can look after your child like you do but honestly he would be fine with an experienced older woman . If she is DH aunt can she visit her sister/brother instead of you hosting . If aunt has volunteered then she knows what is required and doesnt expect you to entertain her after a night shift . What are your plans going forward if DH isn't available. You need to consider a backup plan.

I think it's a lot of things, yes to the above (I've made that clear to him anyway), but also hosting, also I'll have only recently gone back to work and I don't know how that'll be after nearly a year off. He's also still so young and wakes up 2/3 times a night minimum. I also don't know his auntie very well. (It would maybe be different if it was his mum etc).

Is your partner not the father of the baby? Doesn’t he no the auntie?

His storming off is a concern.
Has he angry issues?
He's not there to support you and is making it even more stressful with his toddler tantrum.

I wouldn't be leaving a young baby with someone not very familiar with him either. Could she visit for a weekend before this time?
Your nerves are to be expected.

Yes he is, and yes of course. I just meant I don't leave my son with any other of my own family either apart from my mum at the moment. (My partners family live the other side of the country and he has a very turbulent relationship with them).

It’s a bit odd to me that your partner signed up for an optional 2 week exercise without discussing with you first what the childcare arrangements would be, knowing that you’d be back at work by then. It should be a decision made together and no I wouldn’t love the idea of an auntie who neither me or child was close to to look after the child, maybe for an hour or 2 as a one off but not for extended periods.

I would use AL and perhaps if you think this situation with arise again you can find someone you are comfortable with, or spend more time with auntie in the meantime here and there, so when you need her you feel happier with that decision

Why has he signed up for two weeks away while you have a young baby?

Why is he against you taking annual leave to look after your own child?

Why is he trying to pressure a new mum to leave her baby with someone else when she’s not ready?

It would be a no from me.

Yes I did think if she could come down a few times before just to see what it's like. I love them coming to visit to spend time with us all for fun visits. it just feels odd for them to come to do childcare ? & Then what about when I'm in-between nights etc. Idk. Especially when I can actually sort it myself if needed.

OP you don’t have to take annual leave for this- you are entitled to up to 4 weeks (unpaid) parenting leave a year, up to 18 weeks until the child is 18.

I agree with others saying that a lot can change between now and May but you are obviously dealing with a lot and maybe just being off work in that period would be better for you. Another time (because it will inevitably happen a lot) you may feel more confident when you’ve been back at work and confident leaving him.

His argument is that I'm happy for my mum and dad to look after him but not his family. It's different though, I only ever leave him with my mum not any other family. & I would be happy for his mum to have our son too obviously! It's just wider family than I don't really know. Plus then having to live around them when I'm not at work, you have your own routines etc when you have a baby so it's nice just to get on with that 🫣

Yes! I did say to him once he's a bit older and can verbalise what he needs etc and speak properly then it would be different. Plus he still BFs overnight at the moment so right now I can't imagine any one else having him but I know this will be different by them as I'll have been back at work for a month. Appreciate your response ❤️

Surely if you’ve worked a long night shift, you’ll be sleeping during the day so won’t be able to ‘host’?

Yes but her employer can say no to it and say she can take the unpaid leave when it suits them. They can legally suspend the leave period for 6 months

This is what I mean though, I probably wouldn't sleep.

I think the auntie might be a symptom of the issue but not the cause of the issue.

He makes decisions without you - signing up for something, arranging a relative that your son is not familiar with to be there at night.

When you query whether this is the most appropriate solution he isn't patient, loving and curious instead he becomes angry.

You're not a minion to be barked at. The care of a baby is a huge responsibility (that he seems to not step up for).

You can't solve a symptom unless you understand the cause. Shine a light on that first.

Don’t move annual leave - you would have been at work for a month or so.

its 2weeks. Not forever / every week but even if it was be grateful that his family want to help

yea not the most helpful in dh doing this course one month in but not the end of the world

how are his family meant to get to know your child if you don’t let them and they dont live locally

in dh defence. He is going away an has sorted our childcare

I can see why he’s frustrated though(although angry and storming off is just childish), he’s taken
on work and sorted childcare with his family with a few months notice… and you still say no because it’s not YOUR family and YOU don’t no the lady that well. You want him to not do voluntary courses because he has a young baby, but he doesn’t get to decide childcare things for that baby. It sounds challenging on both sides.

Interesting perspective...

Hmm I kinda get it (he's not sorted childcare, he just said he'd ask his auntie and I said I'd feel more better if I just took the time off myself). But if I'm the one being left on my own then surely I should be the one to decide childcare/whether I just take it off work as it'll be me dealing with it?

Also 'sorting childcare = having someone I don't really know come live with me' isn't really ideal!

I mean, I don't not let them see him. We go up and visit them a lot and his family come and stay. It's more the fact that I'll be working a lot of the time and I don't even know how my son will be when I go back to work etc :( maybe I'm just worried about a lot of things all at once but it's been projected onto this

So if you picked up a training course he’d get total say over who looks after the baby because he’s the one at home?

It’s your relationship at the end of the day, im just giving a different perspective as you came on here for opinions.