Not wanting partners family to be used as childcare

[PockerMaus]

AIBU?

Partner is military and I work for the emergency services. We have a 7 month old son. I go back to work in May and my partner has signed up for a two week exercise at the start of June.

I work long night shifts (15 hours +) so finding any reasonable childcare is very difficult other than my parents who are unable to help this week.

He has suggested his auntie comes and stays for the duration to deal with childcare. I said I would rather move some annual leave to this period as it would feel like I need to host someone as well as working/looking after my son between shifts. He is very angry that I wasn't keen on the auntie idea and has stormed off lol.

AIBU ??....

Yes very different times!! That must have been a lot for you to deal with at the time ❤️

I think it's very frustrating that he's booked something optional for right when you are going back to work, that's an annoying thing for him to do.
I think if you both intend to stay in jobs that don't fit with available childcare hours, you are going to have to get used to relying on and trusting others to care for your baby, and accept that it won't always be your mum. (I know that's hard, I didn't leave any of mine with anyone as babies because I found it too hard)
Is it possible for the aunt to come and stay before the time she is needed, so that you can get to know her better and feel more comfortable? You are going to need to get to know her at some point, so why not now? It might not be the best option for you to use up your leave right when you start back because you are likely to need it.

YANBU

I would not want to host for 2 weeks, that in itself would be quite stressful, particularly if the guest is someone you don't know particularly well. Childcare aside, when someone else is in the house, you never get to swich off or relax, you feel the need to be 'on' all the time, and it's exhausting.

In your position, I would get him to cancel his exercise, if its not compulsory

When is your DS going to nursery? Presumably he will have set days - how is this going to work with your rota pattern?

This feels like a problem that is going to keep recurring....

Ha! Another issue we have found. Luckily we found a nursery that is relatively flexible although we do have to do 2 set days a week and then the rest are flexible. Works out a bit more expensive some weeks but it is what it is.

Can I ask why things like this weren’t discussed before the baby was even here? Giving the jobs you both do this was always going to be an issue. Regardless of whether he is on exercise or not surely he is not home every night either way

Why would he not be home? I generally only work 2 nights shifts per week. Lots of parents do shift work.

In the kindest way, although this situation isn’t ideal and I agree with you, annual leave is the best option here, is it one of several situations where you have “known best” or overridden his suggestions for your baby? I did this so much in my sons first year and didn’t realise at the time how much I was undermining his dad & causing him frustration. Yes sometimes I did know best but I didn’t give him the opportunity to figure things out himself or give him the opportunity to seek support from those he trusted the most.

Would you normally be doing a night shift while the baby is at your mum's and then looking after your DS and then another night shift?
If so I'd definitely take AL.

But some weeks his nursery days are going to be on your days off? And you may need to add in your sleep days and your day shifts? This seems both expensive and complicated (and risky that they won't have space).

Do you have our rota for this period in June yet? Is it possible much of it can be covered by your days off and nursery days coinciding?

I worked shifts when mine were babies and this whole set up would have been completely incompatible or very very stressful. I had fixed shifts and fixed childcare. It's not even just about your dh being away, as if he works mon - fri 9-5 normally this will still be an issue for sleep and childcare too

Normally my partner is at home on the evenings so usually on a night shift he would be with him. But in-between nights I'll have my son booked in to nursery if it falls on a week day as it would be impossible to do 2 x 15 hr shifts back to back with no sleep! 😬

What hours are your day shifts? And what hours is the nursery open? Can your dh do the drop up and pick ups before and after his work in that window?

It sounds like every single weekend is going to be a lot of stress to plan and organise asked and sort with nursery.

You ultimately need to be comfortable with the person looking after your child.

If you don't feel comfortable, then you need to find another solution, as your husband has made a suggestion that you're not happy with.

Is there and eat this Aunt could try and see your baby a few more times before June? Even if you guys have to go to her place.

I knew no different lol

Love my husband dearly but his medical job takes priority every bloody time.. so I do this https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement and when they were smaller, I paid for help, from people I trusted. Got lots done actually, house moves.. nights out.. ☺️.a teaching qualification . If you’re planning another child I’d suggest doing it sooner rather then later as now my two are teens, and all that paying for childminding has disappeared.. there’s about a decade in it.. Also other moms in similar circumstances can help too if you agree with the shenanigans in their houses..

Is he the reason he has a turbulent relationship with his family?

He is the one at fault here. Why would he book something optional just when you are going back to work and needing to settle baby (and you as parents) into a new routine. Not only is your DC going to have to get used to nursery they would then have to get used to auntie too.

Can he get out of this exercise (if optional)

Would you be able to have 2 weeks leave so soon after going back? Will you be using accrued leave?

Tell me you have a village without telling me you have a village. If you don’t have regular people to lean on you can’t leave childcare arrangements till the last minute.

I agree things like sleep could definitely have improved but they still need a plan in place. And some work places last minute AL requests are turned down.

My young niece (22) married her military husband (21) recently - no children yet but she is keen to have a baby before too long. She knows that he may have to be away for extended periods and says she is OK with that, but my fear is that nobody ever really appreciates the demands of a baby until they have one! Hand on heart, I couldn't have done it; it's not a life I would have chosen.
Hers is a day job so she doesn't have the added complication of night shifts so I do appreciate you are both having to make some difficult decisions re childcare.
Did you discuss beforehand what things might look like work-wise after babies? Yoy both need to be comfortable with the arrangements.

You argued because your position comes from a place of instinct and emotion. His position is coming from on of rationality. Any discussion that didn’t recognise that and respect the perspectives was bound to end in argument and frustration.

At the end of the day you don’t need to agree with each others pov. But you need to respect it and make a decision that works for the situation. There are two solutions on the table. Since his option means your life will be disrupted then I’d say the final decision is yours.

But at some point you need to accept that your jobs mean this will be a recurring issue and you may need all the help you can get.

Agreed, yes thank you! We have people set up for emergency occasions etc but I don't want to lean on them unless completely necessary & I guess being able to move my leave to cover this means it's not an emergency!

Hah to be fair to him, he isn't actually. But his reaction to conflict definitely stems from his turbulent family. There's long standing issues his side over lots of things. & None of them are able to have a calm & rational conversation.

He wants to go on the exercise as opposed to needing to be on it. Which is frustrating and probably another issue in itself.

I work half 7 - half 4 on a day shift so my partner would do drop off and I will pick up our son after my day shift. Not sure why weekends will be a problem? My partner usually works mon-fri so our son will have his dad when my shifts fall on a weekend.

It is a bit of a pain, but also is better than having to book our son in mon-fri when we definitely won't need all those days.

My shifts are the same all the time (it's a rolling rota of 2 days, 2 nights then 4 off) so I know all my dates for at least a year. I've booked all the dates I need in with nursery that fall on a week day & our nursery has been very flexible. It's not ideal, but also childcare options are limited for people who do shifts anyway, but it's just how the world works! Unfortunately people still have emergencies outside of 9-5 so I have to work outside of these hours haha. But I also get a string of days off at a time so I'm lucky in that sense that I'll have more time with my son.