Women should prioritise their children and not getting a man

[Icantkeepadvising]

I’ve been friends with this woman since I was in school. She’s struggled with her mental health a lot and I do have a lot of sympathy for her, and tried my best to support her. But I’m becoming more and more concerned about the behaviour she’s engaging in.

She had a baby 4 months ago. Little one is gorgeous and a lovely, happy baby. She shares (and has done from day 1) 50/50 custody of the baby. She conceived baby during a casual fling and said to me that she had always wanted a family so was keeping the baby (her choice, and I supported her fully).

She struggled with PND, and I supported her during her contact time with DD, sometimes staying over with her and arranging her to get support via GP, mothers groups etc.

She is increasingly dropping her daughter at her dad’s house because she needs a break.

She has just announced that she is moving in with a guy she’s been dating for 2 months. I’m honestly a bit disgusted about this, firstly that she was dating so soon with a newborn baby and secondly that she is moving her life in with his guy.

This guy is 10 years older and has a daughter (teens) himself. They will all live together in his house.

Aibu to think a mother’s priority when their child is 4months old shouldn’t be getting a partner?

I’m sick to death of her poor choices and her not prioritising her daughter.

that’s really poor decision making and risky on many levels (for her and the child)
it must be very hard to watch

You might be right but funny how I never see shocked and disgusted posts about men not prioritising their children

There’s plenty of posts on MN from women despairing of their exes leaving them holding the baby with no support financially or otherwise - those men are castigated

I’ve been a single mum for 5+ years and follow various other mums on instagram, a few of which have split up with their children’s dad. You’d be amazed how many people jump straight into another long term relationship. Including my exh. One mum I follow announced that she was getting a divorce and met her now boyfriend before her ex had even moved out! I think the priority needs to be building a stable home for the children, but as someone who has majority care of my own children, I think perhaps I’ve swung too far the other way and not prioritised doing anything for myself. It’s hard to find a balance.

She sounds vulnerable.

I would encourage her not to make such hasty decisions so soon after childbirth.

You say you’re sick to death of her? Why are you being so harsh ?

A lot of women can't support themselves - these are the women who end up with crappy men.

Despairing yes, but shocked and disgusted not so much

I'd cut contact with her. I couldn't continue to support such a selfish and foolish woman.

I too was a single mother from the start, but at 4 months post partum I remember feeling quite relieved I was single and didnt have to even have to think about entertaining a man romantically! My body was still recovering, I was sleep deprived, and my focus was on my tiny newborn.

Id also be wary about what kind of man would be dating the mother of a newborn and why...

Will she lose a flat or secure place to live by doing this? Have you tried suggesting she enjoys dating but give it a while before moving in with a boyfriend.

Exactly what I was thinking.
She’s either stupid or selfish and I’d give her my opinion if she was my friend.

I'd certainly say it sounds unwise. I would urge her to think twice about moving in.
She needs a stable home for herself and her kids that isn't reliant on a very new relationship becoming long term successful. Ask her what she'll do if in a month he decides he's no longer interested and she's to leave?

But try not to do it in an accusatory way. More quite urgent concern. Focus on how she barely knows him, rather than saying she's not meant to want a boyfriend. Just that it needs to move slowly for hers and kids sake. And forgoing her home would be disastrous potentially.

A lot of people really struggle emotionally with being single, as soon as one relationship ends they have to jump in to the next one. It's really not ideal but there's not much you can do unless you know her child is in danger.

Why women? Are men exempt from prioritising their children?

My friend has been a foster carer for 20+ years primarily in new borns

this is now one of the main reasons babys enter her care - vulnerable women who end up getting sucked in by a manipulative abusive man

it’s so sad

Being alone with a baby can do funny things to your brain. Makes sense really as in times gone by it could mean not surviving. So yes it’s a bit shit and will probably go wrong, but she is mentally unwell, overwhelmed and probably desperate, and it’s a very strong drive
if you feel you have given more than you want to and are getting resentful or over involved , then that’s something to reflect on for yourself and change your own actions rather than just shifting the blame to her. she is an adult and is making a choice, i too would worry but I’ve also been there having all my friends judge me for what ended up being an amazing relationship and I know that terror of drowning on your own and feeling unable to cope

You are deflecting from the hard facts of the situation. OP's friend has a very young baby(following a casual fling).
I'm confident that most people will agree that isn't the most stable start for all, especially the baby.
And now dating someone so soon.
She needs to focus on providing stability for the baby.
If I come across as being judgemental, it's because I am!

If she was diagnosed with PND, she will still be suffering with it if her baby is only 4 months old. No one makes good decisions when they are depressed.

Women have a choice children do not

Yep, sadly some women prioritise dick over their own child's welfare.

YANBU.

Couldn’t agree more, please be there for her when the relationship goes tits up

It’s wrong for both parents not to prioritise the kids but the risk to the kids is higher when it’s the woman making these decisions because they are most likely to spend the majority of their time with the mother. Plus step fathers (or those in that position) are far more likely to abuse the children. The biggest offenders of SA are step fathers. That why it’s more stigmatised.

You sound pretty nasty, actually. I don't think she sounds like she's making a great choice with the relationship, but it also sounds like she isn't coping. You're 'sick to death' of her for what, exactly? Having PND? Having a baby outside of a relationship?

I am judgemental yes. Because it’s a 4 month old baby that she’s subjecting to further instability. She’s moving from her flat which means she will no longer be provided with housing if (when) this relationship ends. She has no right to prioritise her own needs over her child’s.

She has had a lot of support, and regularly leans in DD dad for practical support, he’s having DD more than her. Her mum steps in when she’s overwhelmed.

Shes been out drinking with this guy on the days she was meant to be looking after her baby.

And to be honest, I think it’s odd that she pushed for 50:50 from the day the baby was born…

I just think that when you’re postpartum, why is your first thought securing a new relationship?