Women should prioritise their children and not getting a man

[Icantkeepadvising]

I’ve been friends with this woman since I was in school. She’s struggled with her mental health a lot and I do have a lot of sympathy for her, and tried my best to support her. But I’m becoming more and more concerned about the behaviour she’s engaging in.

She had a baby 4 months ago. Little one is gorgeous and a lovely, happy baby. She shares (and has done from day 1) 50/50 custody of the baby. She conceived baby during a casual fling and said to me that she had always wanted a family so was keeping the baby (her choice, and I supported her fully).

She struggled with PND, and I supported her during her contact time with DD, sometimes staying over with her and arranging her to get support via GP, mothers groups etc.

She is increasingly dropping her daughter at her dad’s house because she needs a break.

She has just announced that she is moving in with a guy she’s been dating for 2 months. I’m honestly a bit disgusted about this, firstly that she was dating so soon with a newborn baby and secondly that she is moving her life in with his guy.

This guy is 10 years older and has a daughter (teens) himself. They will all live together in his house.

Aibu to think a mother’s priority when their child is 4months old shouldn’t be getting a partner?

I’m sick to death of her poor choices and her not prioritising her daughter.

Have you asked her why she feels the need to move, rather than just dating this man during her free time when her daughter is with the dad? Moving in with a boyfriend of two months is a bad idea in general, even without a baby and as you said, moving out of a safe situation into a potentially dangerous or even just unstable one (what happens if they break up?) is reckless. And, of course, it's a bad idea to get into a new relationship at all while in the early stages of getting help with MH issues, especially one accelerating this rapidly.

You said she's been getting some support via her GP, mothers' groups, etc. Is she seeing a therapist or counsellor at all? A professional she trusts who already knows her situation might help her think through the pros and cons of making this move right now. She probably also should not be drinking either, given the new PND diagnosis.

If she's really struggling, it might be best for the baby to go to the father full time for a bit, if he can handle it.

Tptally agree.

‘Patents should…’ rather than women should, please!
gosh I can’t believe a newborn is away from its mum 5050 how does that work?

My ex found a new partner (didn’t last long) that he moved in with four months after our baby was born and I don’t think anyone started threads about him… if they are truly 5050 then she’s got plenty of time for dating. But of course it’s not safe to expose children to new partners that quickly!

Totally agree. Abusive men are aware post partum mothers are vulnerable and easily taken advantage of. They may aswell walk around with a target on their back. Sadly see it all the time that it results in child death. Just last week I saw a 19 yo single mother left her son with her new older boyfriend of A WEEK and he shook her poor baby to death.

You mean apart from the daily threads that are pretty much solely about that?

The old 'she is a woman she doesn't know how to use her little brain' gets tiresome

Yet people want women in important jobs and to be treated equally as responsible as men?

Yet we have they cant be responsible they dont know what they are doing?

Are daughters really being taught this? Sticking the label vulnerable on to them is not an excuse

Oh dont get me wrong its no fucking excuse not to protect your own child i was just making a point that has made headlines recently why its not a good idea to prioritise a man.

I think it's telling that your post is focused around judging and being disgusted with a clearly vulnerable mother and not the significantly older man who no doubt is preying on her vulnerability.

Cos the OP said she has PND

Why would anybody start a thread about your ex?

'post partum' is the relevant bit there

But I agree with you. Some mothers are immature idiots. Mine was one of them. Boyfriends all over the place, incapable of being single. I got dragged around the country to live with various men. One was a nonce... I've never been able to tell anyone because she'll go ballistic if she hears it. Can't handle any criticism of her 'parenting'.

She's now stuck in an abusive marriage to a policeman, and terminally ill. Nothing I can possibly do to help her. It's just sad really.

I'd say people would be shocked and also rightly disgusted if they were moving in with a new 'partner' of 2 bloody months with their 4 month old baby.

I’ve been a single parent 12+ years. In that time my ex has had another child with a woman he got pregnant the first time they slept together. They moved in together when baby was born but she eventually left him when child was a couple of years old. She has since found a new partner and moved in with him. My ex is in girlfriend number god knows how many. And here I am prioritising my children over my own personal life.

What I have also found is that all my couple friends gradually ditched me. I sometimes see them when my sister and her husband visit and then my sister invites me- friends were some of her school friends, some work friends who were mutual as I worked in the same place also for a while. I’ve made a lot of wok friends over the years but because they are all happily married they’ve not really mounted to much outside of work. My single friend gradually ditched me because the wanted to go out to meet new men and eventually coupled themselves off - not all successfully I should add.

So I can kind of see why OP’s friend might want to still be doing the social/dating thing. It’s a very lonely life some days being the single parent. I’ve tried making new friends by joining various groups however they seem to be all full of people out of my age range (30 + years older than me) or married and settled with groups of friends already. My ex was so unreliable (still is) that I could t make plans for many years.

I have a friend who was single when she had her daughter same age as my oldest. She has barely been single since - in and out of many relationships, can’t possibly be alone.

Well I definitely think it when I see it.

Most of what people call "SM bashing" on these threads is exasperation about the situation the father has got his children into. But the men don't start threads very often.

The fact that she's leaving the baby with her mother when it's her turn to have the baby, so she can go out drinking with this new guy shows that it is affecting her looking after the baby. Poor kid

I see lots of posts about men not prioritising their children.

You should probably step back from the friendship, especially as it seems you are contemptuous of her and not coming across as her friend anymore.

In general yes I agree parents should prioritise their DC not their dating life, however she has a lot of down type due to the arrangement with her ex.

For her MH she probably wants to get out and be social, drinking isn’t going to help MH - though there’s drinking (couple of drinks with a meal) and there’s drinking (to get drunk).

Of course it seems quick to move in but it depends on what type of person he is (decent human being or not), he’s older with a 10 year old so potentially he and she and doing it to build a supportive and stable family home together.

Unless there are genuine safeguarding concerns (such as signs of an abusive relationship) the decision is her business alone and may seem unwise but it’s not necessarily the wrong one.

Agree with earlier poster who says she seems incredibly vulnerable and could easily still have ppd which is informing her behaviour. I think she will need good friends and while it’s frustrating I’d stick around for her and the baby.

You're not being unreasonable this is too soon imo especially with her mental health issues. I just wish you had worded the title differently to 'parents should...' because this baby also has a dad. If he got a girlfriend so soon I think people wouldn't judge him as much as they would judge the mother. That being aid she is your friend not him so you are looking out for her but I am not sure what you can do as she is an adult and if you tell her don't do it she will probably do it anyway.

Yes they would and do judge men on here multible times a day, but I presume people judge the parent who has the child most of the time?

She clearly said they have 50/50 custody which is why I said that.

Within society there have always been a big slug of people (men& women) who are just dysfunctional. They are a bit chaotic, impulsive, make poor choices. Its often a mix of poor upbringing, genetics/lower intelligence and just simple personality. These people often wind up poor, chasing bad relationships etc.

You've been good to support her, all you can do really is support people like this in the hope of breaking the cycle for the baby/children involved. Its likely she'll completely ignore your counsel about the relationship.

I can understand why it worries you, especially when the baby is so young and things feel unsettled, but relationships don’t automatically mean she isn’t prioritising her child. It might be worth focusing less on whether you agree with her choices and more on whether the situation is actually unsafe and if it’s not, deciding how much involvement you’re comfortable having.

Quite apart from the entire shit show, WHY is her 4 month old baby the subject of a 50/50 custody split?? Small babies need to be with their mothers for the majority of the time.