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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Women should prioritise their children and not getting a man

107 replies

Icantkeepadvising · 17/02/2026 18:54

I’ve been friends with this woman since I was in school. She’s struggled with her mental health a lot and I do have a lot of sympathy for her, and tried my best to support her. But I’m becoming more and more concerned about the behaviour she’s engaging in.

She had a baby 4 months ago. Little one is gorgeous and a lovely, happy baby. She shares (and has done from day 1) 50/50 custody of the baby. She conceived baby during a casual fling and said to me that she had always wanted a family so was keeping the baby (her choice, and I supported her fully).

She struggled with PND, and I supported her during her contact time with DD, sometimes staying over with her and arranging her to get support via GP, mothers groups etc.

She is increasingly dropping her daughter at her dad’s house because she needs a break.

She has just announced that she is moving in with a guy she’s been dating for 2 months. I’m honestly a bit disgusted about this, firstly that she was dating so soon with a newborn baby and secondly that she is moving her life in with his guy.

This guy is 10 years older and has a daughter (teens) himself. They will all live together in his house.

Aibu to think a mother’s priority when their child is 4months old shouldn’t be getting a partner?

I’m sick to death of her poor choices and her not prioritising her daughter.

OP posts:
FamilynotMaiden · 17/02/2026 21:33

@Netcurtainnelly Or better still, baby goes to dad.

blacksax · 17/02/2026 21:36

You say she struggles with her mental health, and also that she's had PND (if baby is still only 4 months, she probably still has it). She's obviously not coping well if family are constantly stepping in to look after the baby.

So when someone is suffering from mental health problems, I wouldn't be judgemental towards them in those circumstances.

Dollymylove · 17/02/2026 21:39

In the last week alone I have read 2 cases of new boyfriends moving in with a single mother, baby being left with said boyfriend and baby ends up dead. Your friend would be wise to have a good think about the welfare of her baby before she acts.
I cant imagine Dad being too happy about some random bloke living with his young baby, and perhaps might seek some legal advice regarding custody

Wingingit73 · 18/02/2026 12:06

So sad when women judge other women and use words like disgusted. Her whole life has turned on its head. If she's leaving babu with its dad then whats the problem here. She doesn't have to sacrifice her whole identity. Maybe you are thinking you're helping but perhaps you're crossing boundaries

WasThatACorner · 18/02/2026 12:15

ThejoyofNC · 17/02/2026 19:03

I'd cut contact with her. I couldn't continue to support such a selfish and foolish woman.

OP states that the woman has PND, this comment is cruel and unnecessary.

She (and therefore baby) clearly need support, not judgemental isolation.

WhateverMate · 18/02/2026 12:20

WhyDontWeJust · 17/02/2026 18:59

You might be right but funny how I never see shocked and disgusted posts about men not prioritising their children

Christ, is this your first day on Mumsnet then? 😳

YANBU OP.

Some kids are unsure of who they're going to meet coming out of the bathroom some mornings.

It's certainly not putting them first.

Legomania · 18/02/2026 12:34

Because people with poor decision-making skills (putting it politely)... are going to make poor decisions. And in some communities it is absolutely normalised to have a baby with someone ten minutes after getting together with them.

JLou08 · 18/02/2026 12:51

You say she HAD PND and has a 4 month old baby. Baby blues may only last a few weeks, but PND doesn't go away so quickly. I do get your frustration with her but she is likely to still have a mental health condition and be very vulnerable. Judgement won't help, maybe try and approach this in a more supportive way. Moving in with someone so quickly is risky, have you spoke to her about the risks and how to protect herself such as keeping her own home, doing a Claire's Law request. It's not your responsibility, but given the support you gave previously I'd guess you do care for your friend.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 18/02/2026 12:52

WhyDontWeJust · 17/02/2026 18:59

You might be right but funny how I never see shocked and disgusted posts about men not prioritising their children

There are hundreds upon thousands of these, rightly so

JHound · 18/02/2026 12:58

I don’t understand people of any gender who get into new relationships with almost newborns.

I also don’t understand the people who date them.

HangingOver · 18/02/2026 13:00

WhyDontWeJust · 17/02/2026 18:59

You might be right but funny how I never see shocked and disgusted posts about men not prioritising their children

That's like two thirds of this entire website 😂

Jackiepumpkinhead · 18/02/2026 13:01

YANBU OP. In a similar vein, I’m always baffled when an OP is considering leaving their vile partner/husband, and you always get ‘you’ll meet someone new’ comments Like that’s the be all and end all.

Vanillaplains · 18/02/2026 13:34

I used to work with someone who started a relationship while she was pregnant.

She left her baby with him a 6 weeks old to go on a night out and sadly the new partner assulted the baby and killed him.

I always wondered what kind of man wants a relationship with a woman pregnant by someone else it's weird.

Netcurtainnelly · 18/02/2026 13:38

Legomania · 18/02/2026 12:34

Because people with poor decision-making skills (putting it politely)... are going to make poor decisions. And in some communities it is absolutely normalised to have a baby with someone ten minutes after getting together with them.

How 😢 and scummy.

Netcurtainnelly · 18/02/2026 13:39

Vanillaplains · 18/02/2026 13:34

I used to work with someone who started a relationship while she was pregnant.

She left her baby with him a 6 weeks old to go on a night out and sadly the new partner assulted the baby and killed him.

I always wondered what kind of man wants a relationship with a woman pregnant by someone else it's weird.

Poor child. Nobody was looking out for them.
How can anyone even contemplate dating when they are pregnant. Focus should be on them and their baby

Savedhisbacon · 18/02/2026 13:48

Ilovelurchers · 17/02/2026 21:02

She's got every right to date when baby is being looked after by his other parent. This in no way effects the child, and does not make her a neglectful or inadequate mother.

50/50 is a perfectly fair childcare arrangement and does not make her a neglectful or inadequate mother. (I assume she isn't breastfeeding? That would make this arrangement pretty much impossible - but if that didn't work out, or she just chose not to, then I honestly don't see the problem - unless we are suggesting fathers aren't capable of caring properly for babies?)

I do however, entirely agree with you that it's absolutely inappropriate to consider moving in with a man she has known for only two months, when she has a child to consider. It would be a stupid thing to do regardless, but she's risking not only her own emotional and financial wellbeing, but also that of her baby.

So this I would judge her for. But not the other stuff. Frankly, when the baby is safe at his dad's she can do what she likes, provided her choices don't impact on her ability to care for her child when he is with her.

Edited

She's not having the baby 50/50 and dating in her childfree time though, she's also leaving the baby with the baby's dad more than 50/50 or her mum babysits so she can spend more time with her her boyfriend.

canisquaeso · 18/02/2026 18:31

I voted YABU because of your gross, stereotypical title tarring all single mothers as if we don’t have it hard enough as it is.

Yes, this case you are right, but most single parents I know are intensely dedicated to their children. Out of all single mothers I know only one is really messy/bad parent.

x2boys · 18/02/2026 18:38

Driftingawaynow · 17/02/2026 19:30

Being alone with a baby can do funny things to your brain. Makes sense really as in times gone by it could mean not surviving. So yes it’s a bit shit and will probably go wrong, but she is mentally unwell, overwhelmed and probably desperate, and it’s a very strong drive
if you feel you have given more than you want to and are getting resentful or over involved , then that’s something to reflect on for yourself and change your own actions rather than just shifting the blame to her. she is an adult and is making a choice, i too would worry but I’ve also been there having all my friends judge me for what ended up being an amazing relationship and I know that terror of drowning on your own and feeling unable to cope

Edited

Why have you decided she ,s mentally unwell ?
She could just be a person who makes poor decisions.

canisquaeso · 18/02/2026 18:41

rubyslippers · 17/02/2026 19:00

There’s plenty of posts on MN from women despairing of their exes leaving them holding the baby with no support financially or otherwise - those men are castigated

Show quote history

But not that many posts about people complaining about their deadbeat friends who are bad fathers

OP is complaining about a friend, not about her ex

SisterTeatime · 18/02/2026 18:44

Wingingit73 · 18/02/2026 12:06

So sad when women judge other women and use words like disgusted. Her whole life has turned on its head. If she's leaving babu with its dad then whats the problem here. She doesn't have to sacrifice her whole identity. Maybe you are thinking you're helping but perhaps you're crossing boundaries

Did you read the OP? She’s going to move this newborn in with a man she doesn’t know.

She’s going to lose her housing and become even more vulnerable than she is now.

She has a responsibility to take care of the baby, at the most basic level keeping it alive! And while it sounds like the baby’s dad is doing a decent enough job, surely you don’t really think it’s okay for a new mother with PND to leave a newborn baby to go out drinking?

This is the kind of situation in which we should all be a lot more judgemental and drop the BS about it being fine for the mum to do whatever she wants. It’s not fine, it’s very dangerous for her and horribly dangerous for the baby.

RachelGreep87 · 18/02/2026 18:45

YANBU but it sounds like you don't really want to be friends with her anymore

neverbeenskiing · 18/02/2026 18:49

YANBU. I work with children in a safeguarding role and come across many parents (men and women) prioritise romantic relationships over their children's stability, happiness and, sadly, in some cases safety.

Isthateveryonethen · 18/02/2026 18:51

ThejoyofNC · 17/02/2026 19:03

I'd cut contact with her. I couldn't continue to support such a selfish and foolish woman.

Same.

Newyearawaits · 18/02/2026 19:21

Wingingit73 · 18/02/2026 12:06

So sad when women judge other women and use words like disgusted. Her whole life has turned on its head. If she's leaving babu with its dad then whats the problem here. She doesn't have to sacrifice her whole identity. Maybe you are thinking you're helping but perhaps you're crossing boundaries

But she needs to put her baby first
That comes with motherhood.
She has had a baby outside of a relationship and is therefore in a vulnerable position, the baby even more so.
OP has provided a lot of support.
PND is a nightmare and those affected need all the support they can get.
Being in a new relationship so soon after the baby is red flags all around

beeautifullif3 · 18/02/2026 19:29

Dad should go for custody