Women should prioritise their children and not getting a man

[Icantkeepadvising]

I’ve been friends with this woman since I was in school. She’s struggled with her mental health a lot and I do have a lot of sympathy for her, and tried my best to support her. But I’m becoming more and more concerned about the behaviour she’s engaging in.

She had a baby 4 months ago. Little one is gorgeous and a lovely, happy baby. She shares (and has done from day 1) 50/50 custody of the baby. She conceived baby during a casual fling and said to me that she had always wanted a family so was keeping the baby (her choice, and I supported her fully).

She struggled with PND, and I supported her during her contact time with DD, sometimes staying over with her and arranging her to get support via GP, mothers groups etc.

She is increasingly dropping her daughter at her dad’s house because she needs a break.

She has just announced that she is moving in with a guy she’s been dating for 2 months. I’m honestly a bit disgusted about this, firstly that she was dating so soon with a newborn baby and secondly that she is moving her life in with his guy.

This guy is 10 years older and has a daughter (teens) himself. They will all live together in his house.

Aibu to think a mother’s priority when their child is 4months old shouldn’t be getting a partner?

I’m sick to death of her poor choices and her not prioritising her daughter.

Yes sorry in this case is 50/50 i meant more in general

why? are fathers not capable? what about adopted or foster parents or kinship carers?

Or perhaps it’s poor mental health? Pretty rude to just write others off as ‘simple’. Sometimes the right MH meds can do wonders for a person’s functioning level.

Adoptive parents are heavily vetted to make sure they are (on paper) the perfect parents.

It would be very rare for a single parent to be accepted for the adoption of a small baby.

Not all mothers are cut out for parenting but I believe mothers generally have a different bond with their child. It’s not sexist to say so - it’s a biological fact.

I think you're unreasonable for starting a thread to give opinions on the mother's behaviour rather than one to work out how to help the newborn baby.

I'd forget the judgement and being sick and tired, and instead just think about how you can best support that baby and try and safeguard it from any potential abuse.

That's probably by remaining involved so you can help when something goes wrong.

Wanting to be rid of your newborn 50% of the time gives most people the heebie jeebies because there's something wrong with that, it is not the normal instinctive behaviour of a new mother that we've all experienced. It's like a glaring sign of PND on it's own without any of the other stuff on top.

It doesn't really matter what you think of the mum's behavior, once you've had kids the primary concern is protecting the children. You're right - parents priority should be their children. But why isn't your post about the baby?There seems very little in your OP about how to help the baby in comparison to the amount of it which is about complaining about the mother's behavior and lamenting having to watch it.

With no other background, my opinion when reading your thread is that you're judging the behaviour of someone whose having a mental health crisis against the normal standards of someone who is not, which is OK, we all make judgements. But you're becoming frustrated by that rather than seeing a need to take action.

If we disregard the newborn, I think the question becomes about the PND. If she has PND she's vulnerable and not thinking straight, that can take the form of psychosis in extreme situations. Are the types of decisions she's making typical for her normal behavior? If not, I'd think it was the PND and try and get some kind of professional involvement to protect her baby and her from her own decisions.

I find the idea of being able to make major decisions about my own and my newborns life whilst having a mental health crisis and responsibility for a baby completely terrifying. I like to think someone would stop me.

I'd like to think if that were me, someone would take steps to protect my baby first and foremost. But after that I'd like to imagine someone might try to understand that PND is a mental health issue and can cause erratic behaviour and poor decision making and probably refer to some sort of professional for advice on the situation

Sounds like a perfect storm tbh. She was already quite mentally unstable, then decided to have a child by herself which is a massive step for anyone. She’s fortunate the father is willing to be so responsible really, many men in that situation would refuse involvement all together.

Now she’s more mentally ill than ever and has found a man I assume is likely preying on her, it’s hard to see why he’d be willing to let her move in with him so soon anyway. As a PP also said, I’d be concerned about this man’s potentially nefarious intentions with her baby being so small and vulnerable.

It probably isn't for most people but she's sick. She is not thinking straight.
PND is horrific. I live with depression but PND was a whole next level wallop.

I totally understand why you're invested, it's a four month old baby.
I think dad should be looking for full time care of the baby while your friend works on herself but I don't think she'll get there any time soon.
Sounds like she needs therapy and medication intervention perhaps.

I'd have to stick by a friend who was entertaining moving in with someone and give her some home truths (gently) to ponder over.