Women should prioritise their children and not getting a man

[Icantkeepadvising]

I’ve been friends with this woman since I was in school. She’s struggled with her mental health a lot and I do have a lot of sympathy for her, and tried my best to support her. But I’m becoming more and more concerned about the behaviour she’s engaging in.

She had a baby 4 months ago. Little one is gorgeous and a lovely, happy baby. She shares (and has done from day 1) 50/50 custody of the baby. She conceived baby during a casual fling and said to me that she had always wanted a family so was keeping the baby (her choice, and I supported her fully).

She struggled with PND, and I supported her during her contact time with DD, sometimes staying over with her and arranging her to get support via GP, mothers groups etc.

She is increasingly dropping her daughter at her dad’s house because she needs a break.

She has just announced that she is moving in with a guy she’s been dating for 2 months. I’m honestly a bit disgusted about this, firstly that she was dating so soon with a newborn baby and secondly that she is moving her life in with his guy.

This guy is 10 years older and has a daughter (teens) himself. They will all live together in his house.

Aibu to think a mother’s priority when their child is 4months old shouldn’t be getting a partner?

I’m sick to death of her poor choices and her not prioritising her daughter.

what a man really will bring to your life in your case?

Sick to death of the constant drama. She said to DDs dad before DD was born that she thought they were awful parents already as they weren’t together, has said that she can’t cope with him having a girlfriend (he doesn’t) being around her baby… and now this.

Ive helped her with her baby, with her mental health. She has masses of support around her. But it becomes a problem when she’s spending most of her time dating a man, out drinking and basically anything other than parenting.

She’s made multiple threats to DD dad, telling him she will get CMS, block his access etc, on the bases of nothing.

im sorry, but I feel like she’s had a baby to use as a bargaining chip and when she’s realised her dad doesn’t want to be with her, she’s dropped her baby and ran to the first man who showed her an iota of attention.

so yes maybe I’m a nasty judgmental bitch.

I read the post title and was ready to defend - women do deserve love and companionship as much as the men who often leave them but your friend is a huge huge red flag. That’s way too early to move on, she’s clearly vulnerable and sadly there are far too many cases of children ending up abused or killed at the hands of a stepfather/partner. I’m not saying he is like that but it’s a massive risk factor.

Maybe the father could try for custody.

She's got every right to date when baby is being looked after by his other parent. This in no way effects the child, and does not make her a neglectful or inadequate mother.

50/50 is a perfectly fair childcare arrangement and does not make her a neglectful or inadequate mother. (I assume she isn't breastfeeding? That would make this arrangement pretty much impossible - but if that didn't work out, or she just chose not to, then I honestly don't see the problem - unless we are suggesting fathers aren't capable of caring properly for babies?)

I do however, entirely agree with you that it's absolutely inappropriate to consider moving in with a man she has known for only two months, when she has a child to consider. It would be a stupid thing to do regardless, but she's risking not only her own emotional and financial wellbeing, but also that of her baby.

So this I would judge her for. But not the other stuff. Frankly, when the baby is safe at his dad's she can do what she likes, provided her choices don't impact on her ability to care for her child when he is with her.

When you say she has been out drinking when she was supposed to be caring for the baby, do you mean baby was left home alone? Because if so you MUST report this, regardless of the fact she is your friend.

I am hoping you don't mean this, as I assume you would have started with this if it was the case - but just thought I had better check.....

You need to look harder I think! Or actually you don’t need to, as probably 25% of posts on here are about useless men and fathers

Sorry I should have worded my point differently, what I meant was that nobody is shocked and disgusted when men are shit parents almost like we expect it and it's ok but women are held to higher standards. Agree that a lot of men are very disappointing

50:50 is not suitable at all for a young baby. They need their mum and I don’t know many mothers that would push for 50:50 from birth.

I'd be judgemental too op.

The thought of going "50-50" with a newborn after I'd birthed them is spine chilling frankly. Totally irrelevant the "but can't fathers look after babies" argument. The father didn't carry the child for 9 months, isn't leaking out milk for them etc. Fathers are great but not at the expense of the mother-baby dyad.

No wonder your friend had PPD. I'd have resorted to crime to get my baby back rather than "do 50-50".

The heartbreaking thing is that this woman might get her shit together and settle down, and maybe go on to have a stable environment for subsequent kids. But this first child will always be the unwanted child, the scapegoat of the family.

I know a couple of women like this , never been single from the age of 13, always have a new man lined up , drives me mad I just think ‘ stay in with your kids ffs ‘

She sounds pretty troubled and vulnerable. She’s obviously struggling with being a mum and being on her own.

Chances are the father will push for full custody when he realises what she’s doing? There will obviously be concerns for the baby. All anyone can do is hope that this man she’s moving in with is actually a good person and supports her with being a parent…but I doubt that will be the case.

Have you been on MN long?

See my post of 21.07 sorry didn't word it well

Some people can barely look after themselves so to have a baby creates a whole new level of concern.

Absolutely not would most women move in with a bloke so quickly with a baby, even if only part time parenting.

Such a huge issue to be a vulnerable Mum who can't look after a child properly, ultimately the concern is for the child. Making poor choices because not able to understand or care about the risks is where intervention is needed.

Fortunately in this case the Dad is involved and is responsible so their baby has some foundation of due care.

The sort of man who is keen to move a newborn baby of a woman he hardly knows into his house gives me the heebie jeebies frankly. She sounds very vulnerable and exactly the sort of woman that these men groom.

She sounds absolutely mad. My best friend years ago did something similar to what your friend did. It didn’t last luckily. Then she got back with her ex (not her baby’s dad) and had another child with him. Now she’s a lesbian.

Women have a brain they need to use it

@Icantkeepadvising What's her financial position? Absolutely not saying it justifies what she is doing, but I can imagine 50/50 with such a young baby can be very financially challenging. Is she looking for some financial "support" from this man as it were?

Totally agree end it shouldn't be allowed
Where's the safeguarding for the child?

If more parents had thought about moving in with someone and put their child first lots more babies and children would still be alive..

Arthur Labinjo Hughes, Alfie Steele and loads more. Their selfish parents failed them miserably
Arthur Labinjo Hughes father was more interested in shagging than looking after his son. He Thomas Hughes had the full support of his own mother but chose to move in with a woman he knew nothing about and his child ended up dead

People's morals and standards are in the gutter and it's the children that end up suffering.

Yanbu. One of my dc's friends parents actually came up to me in the junior school playground and asked me where the best place to meet men was, she'd just split up with Dad no.2.
I was so gobsmacked I just blurted that I didn't know as I don't go out (actual lone parent). She replied that she couldn't be on her own.

Who has the time for anything once they're a single parent anyway, work, kids, gym and crap housework is my limit.

Or wait for the right man before having a child with him

Just saying.

Baby should be taken away if she does. Baby's are vulnerable and need protecting. If the mother can't do it. Take the baby away.

@StedSarandos If your children are with you 50/50 then you do have time to date (hopefully when it is the right time).