24 yo DD is actively trying to pursue a relationship with a 40 year old, talk me down

[ByKookyPombear]

She isn’t listening and I think the age gap is wrong.

I think you’re being unreasonable if you’re trying to control who your 24 year-old can/should date.
The age gap would also make me uncomfortable but it’ll only drive a wedge between the two of you.
If he’s married, of course that’s different.
I’d encourage her to take it slowly perhaps as he has much more life experience than her.

If he's flashing his cash and treating her like a queen, you haven't a chance

Don't try and talk her out of it, just make sure she knows she can come to you with anything and hopefully that's exactly what she'll do when it ends. Alternatively, it might work out and then you'll still want her to have a relationship with you, won't you?

She’s an adult. She needs to make her own choices.

All you can do is have an open chat about power dynamics within relationships. Otherwise support her and let her crack on, or you'll risk losing her.

I spent a year or two on-off seeing a guy 20 years older when I was 26/27/28 ish. Obviously these relationships do work out sometimes but in this case it was a disaster to be honest and the only relationship I actively regret. But I was very low and isolated at the time and it was definitely a product of my circumstances. I think you have to stay neutral as a parent but try to support her in other ways: once I felt better about myself, understood myself a bit better (had done some therapy which was useful for me though not for everyone obvs) and was in a better place I moved on.

Nothing you can do here. Just don't push her too far away.

Reverse psychology. You tell her repeatedly that the sex will be amazing!

She's an adult FFS! Who are you to judge whether the age gap is "appropriate"?

Keep your opinions to yourself unless she asks for it.

My daughter, at 21, fell in love with a 37yo divorced man with 2 children he wasn't allowed to see. We made him welcome, included him in all family parties etc, even invited him to come on holiday to celebrate DH's landmark birthday. Eventually the shine wore off, and the relationship ended amicably after a while. I think if we had been disapproving and made our dislike of him known, she would have clung to him even tighter.

Try not to be judgemental. It's bloody hard.

She is 24

One of my friends met a 40 year old when she was 21. I went to their wedding. They are now 41 and 60 and still together. Butt out.

She’s a grown woman and she can date who she wants. It doesn’t matter what you think of the age gap because it isn’t your relationship.

This, she needs to make her own mind up and you will just push her closer to him and away from you if you get on at her about it.
Tell her your worries but make sure she knows you're 100% supportive of her in whatever she does and welcome him like he was any "normal" boyfriend.

I wonder how many of those saying 'mind your own business' have a DD that age!

I'd also be horrified OP.

The more you try to persuade her against it, the more likely she is to dig in her heels.
Is your issue just the age gap? Or are you concerned about a power imbalance, a complex history, his baggage...?
Building her confidence so she feels able to choose her relationships and voice her needs within them is likely the best thing you can do in this situation. Ensuring she knows she has a place to go to to talk about any concerns. But not trying to control her.

Send her round to my house. 25 and 35 didn't seem a big gap at at all. WBut as he nears 60 and me 50, the 10 years is really showing. He's getting tired and slow and I really am not.
I also resent those 10 years of free spending he had before he met me, whereas I'll be supporting us both when he's pension age. I've always outearned him, but with both wages it's fine.
At 25, he was what I needed, but I did not think of the practicalities and will not be advising my dc to do similar.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong about age-gap relationships between 2 competent adults.

Shes a grown woman

Her choice to make...

Do you think she has any chance of succeeding in pursuing him?

I would make sure not to push her away

I had a similar age gap relationship at that age. a friend of mine even married and had a child with a guy 20 years senior.
Ultimately neither worked out long term.
But then most marriages and relationahips don't work out long term.
If he is not drug ot alcohol dependant, has a stable job and is not an arsehole and is basicaly a normal enough person,
then I don't think there is any real issue with age gap relationships
Most likely the novelty will either wear off quickly and be will run out of money trying to impress her or she will get bored or he will end it for some reason or another. They might go the distance but if so then maybe its meant to be.

Be careful not to push her away

He may be genuine and be good for her, if he isn't then you want to keep a good relationship so she knows she can come to you for support if things go wrong. The last thing you want is to push her away and break down your relationship, if she ends up in a bad controlling relationship with him she could end up trapped if she doesn't feel she can come to you, don't make her think you will say "I told you it wouldn't work"

When you say she’s “trying to pursue” what exactly does this mean? Is he interested? Is she chasing him? Is he married? Where did they meet? So much more information needed!

She's 24. An adult capable of making HER OWN decisions.

The age gap is totally irrelevant; it's what they feel for each other that counts.

Keep your nose out of things that are none of your business. She might just drive a huge wedge between you if you try to interfere. Let her live her own life.

She's a grown adult. It's her decision and whether or not you like it isn't really relevant - FWIW I know a few very happy couples with bigger age gaps who are still together 20 years later.