24 yo DD is actively trying to pursue a relationship with a 40 year old, talk me down

[ByKookyPombear]

She isn’t listening and I think the age gap is wrong.

The more you push, the more she will pull.

Tell her it’s a large age gap but it’s her choice and you’ll be happy with her decision.

If she thinks you don’t like it, she is likely to do it more or not continue with it if she’s not happy.

If you’re too against it, she will continue in the relationship even if she’s not happy.

Its a psychological thing where people don’t like to admit to failure/making the wrong choice.
Creating a non judgmental relationship where it’s ok to fail because you’re supportive either way, will actually be way more beneficial to her.

@SixtySomething i suspect this isn’t real as OP hasn’t come back.
But in the event it is then this isn’t a criminal. It’s a relationship the OP seems to be trying to talk their daughter out of. We can express concern or say something worries us but it’s not the job of a parent to try and force coerce a child to end a relationship we don’t approve of.

Maybe a nice neutral comment about her having their baby at 35 would mean that as he's nearer to retirement he could stop working and be a stay at home dad while she got on with her career. Might make her think more about what the age gap will be like later.

You need to leave her to make her own mistakes but do point out to her that when she is 50 he will be 70+ etc as that is when it hits . My sister has a husband who is 15 years older than her , it’s hitting home now that she is retired in her early 60s and he’s approaching 80 with numerous health conditions .

This is such an important comment. My parents didn’t respect my boundaries either, and I felt it would be somehow ungrateful to do something they didn’t approve of. (For the record, they never said, suggested, or hinted it would be ungrateful. I’m their only child who was born after they struggled with infertility for a decade, and when you grow up knowing that you’re a dearly longed-for wish come true, that can be a lot of unconscious pressure to be not “spoil” that for your parents.)

OP, if your daughter’s not listening to you, that’s not a bad thing. That means she feels able to assert herself as an adult and make her own decisions. If she immediately quit pursuing this relationship because “my mum will be upset, and I don’t want her to be upset, and not making her upset is the most important thing,” that would be unhealthy for both of you.

@hazelnutvanillalatte

but that scenario is not what op has outlined, is it? Her post state clearly that op has voiced her opinion, possibly repeatedly from the tone of her post. Her issue is that her daughter “Will not listen”, not that she hasn’t been able to discuss concerns with her daughter or that she isn’t allowed to have an opinion (which I think very few, if anyone, has suggested). And lets be honest here, the issue, isn’t about the whether op is right to be concerned (which I think most people can understand), nor is it her ability to speak to her daughter about it because it seems like op has expressed her concerns to her daughter (which is the right thing to do). OP’s issue is that, having expressed her opposition, her daughter has not bowed to her opinion and has not done as she has been told, but instead choosing to pursue this relationship against OP’s wishes. Which is an entirely different thing, in my opinion. And, in my view, wrong on the OP’s part.

For clarity, I am not saying op should not express concerns she has about the age gap. I personally think that age gaps can work, but a lot depends on the situations and personalities of the two people involved- and I can understand a parent having a concern. That being the case, I think it is right that a parent has that discussion with ttheir daughter/son. However, I do think OP needs to accept her daughter has the absolute right to date someone older than her, if that is what she wants to do- even if it seems unwise from OP and other peoples POV- and op has to respect her daughters decision on this. Even though op clearly does strongly disagrees with her choice, she does not have the right of veto over her adults daughters choice of partner, or any other aspect of her life. She just doesn’t- even if her worries and concerns are valid, even though she believes she is trying to make sure her daughter is safe/happy/doesn’t make a mistake. Failure to respect an adults offspring’s choices and rights to make decisions about their lives for themselves i actually quite hurtful and can be very damaging to the relationship between them.

Completely agree re coercion.
I didn’t realise there was any talk of coercion. I read it as loving concern. Perhaps open to interpretation?

@jacks11 My comment was directed at the posters who say it's none of her business, DD is an adult woman, say nothing or just say 'that's lovely'. IMO that is what a parent is for, to provide guidance and to honestly express their feelings and concerns. I couldn't imagine my child getting into a terrible situation because I had just smiled politely and said 'that sounds lovely sweetheart'

She is an adult, just be there for when it falls apart.

You can be horrified and mind your own business at the same time

Except that he's not chasing after her. According to the thread title, she's the one "actively pursuing" a relationship with him.

When she is 50 he will be 64.

Same age range as my sister then roughly , and it has really only started to notice in the last year as he has approached 80 and had numerous health issues whereas she’s a very fit 60+ ( runs marathons) .

Couple in this current thread has similar age gap https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5492209-to-end-my-marriage-tomorrow
maybe let DD read it?

Her mother? She is the only person who can tell her what a stupid idiot she is and it should get through to her. What business does a 24 year old have running after a 40yo man?

At 24 she's capable of making her own decisions about her relationships, I certainly wouldn't have listened to my mother telling me what to do or not to do after being 16. Don't push her away. Yabu.

TBH Theres not a lot you can do really.I mean I wouldnt like it either ,but if she senses your disapproval it will make her more keen .As long as hes not married.she will not listen .Get to know him ,sound him out sort of thing

I'm 28, husband nearly 41.

2 beautiful children, an amazing career, 2 cats. loads in common, 2 homes owned outright.

Happy as can be!

Let her be, my mum was funny about it at the beginning and it meant she didn't see her grandchildren for a year or so. All is fine now and she can see how bloomin happy we are! All going on a lovely holiday away later this year

Don't ruin your relationship OP, keep quiet.

The more you show your disdain the more she will be pushed towards him. They are two adults, it’s up to them.

And honestly if he hasn’t had kids or been married, there are a lot of (fairly pathetic) 40 year old men who are the same level of maturity as an independent 25 year old woman. Everyone always talks about the power imbalance but that’s only true of men who actually do have life experience. A lot of men single at 40 and never married really don’t.

Have you met him OP? Do you have any view on what sort of bloke he is?

She’s not 18. You have to let her make her own mistakes.

She’s 24 and can make decisions that feel right for her without anyone else’s blessing.

If he’s got kids, I’d be 🤨 at a 40 year old dad hoping to date a 24 year old woman though and be wondering why he can’t just pick a woman around his own age but I wouldn’t say anything.
Most 40 year old dads aren’t amazing dating material for women in their early 20s, let’s be honest. But back to my original point, she can make decisions without anyone else’s blessing and sometimes it does work out. Just be there for her if the red flags pop up. 🚩

OP's long since buggered off...

I am with you OP.

A 40 year old has zero in common with a 24 year old. Completely different life stages, level of fitness and so on.

I always question why middle aged men target someone this young and usually the reasons are: they are immature and can't deal with women their age, they are only into someone for their appearance or they seek younger women because they think they are easier to control.

You can't stop your daughter but you can absolutely share your concerns and state that you will not welcome him in your house.

What business does a 24 year old have running after a 40yo man?

Any business she damn well likes, because she's a grown adult woman and she has every right to date whomever she wants to date.

You can't stop your daughter but you can absolutely share your concerns and state that you will not welcome him in your house

Which would be a really great way for the OP to drive her daughter away entirely.

Well done. Have a medal.

If you have to resort to petty, immature comments like "have a medal" you have already lost the argument.