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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

24 yo DD is actively trying to pursue a relationship with a 40 year old, talk me down

111 replies

ByKookyPombear · 17/02/2026 09:49

She isn’t listening and I think the age gap is wrong.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 18/02/2026 10:21

I had a short fling with a 44 year old when I was 24. It was fun and a period I look back on with fondness. It ended naturally and easily with no hurt or anything and I certainly never felt like I was taken advantage of or anything!

Molluscsong · 18/02/2026 10:21

KimberleyClark · 18/02/2026 10:07

If he’s tired and slow and not even 60 I would suggest he sees his GP. That is really not normal.

I was 28 and DH 39 when we met. I’m now 64 and he’s 75. Yes he has slowed a little but so have I! He still has energy for travel and new things. We are still happy.

Oh he has energy for that kind of thing. He cycles to work etc. But I'm constantly on the go and he prefers to... sit. And it takes him longer to get started on jobs etc, whereas I want shit done. We used to be quite a formidable team, but it feels like he's just not as fast.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 18/02/2026 10:21

More info needed....

UncannyFanny · 18/02/2026 10:21

ByKookyPombear · 17/02/2026 09:49

She isn’t listening and I think the age gap is wrong.

You can think what you like, it’s not your life. It’s hers. If she screws up that’s on her. It’s not your life to live. There’s probably some things people think you are wrong about too. Do they try to control you?

19lottie82 · 18/02/2026 10:24

Meh. I met my ex husband when I was 27 and he was 41. We were together 13 years.

TempestTost · 18/02/2026 10:30

What's he like?

Worse somehow than other boyfriends she has had?

Does he treat her respectfully? Do they have interests or values in common? Do they have fun together?

Do you expect her only to date people she will eventually marry?

If there is no reason to think there is something dodgy going on here, chances are if the age gap means they don't have enough in common in terms of place in their life, interests, etc, the relationship won't last. Just as if she dated a young guy and discovered they have differernt goals.

Blueuggboots · 18/02/2026 10:38

My brother was 45 when he met his then 25 year old girlfriend. They are now married, with a little boy and incredibly happy. Yes, it’s a big age gap. Do they care? No.

Nannyfannybanny · 18/02/2026 10:41

Not your business..I have 4 dks, unless they were involved with someone married or in a relationship, not my business. Looking back, when I was 38 I was asked out by several 18/20 year.olds at work..had a brief fling at 40, with a 25 year old.. Me female them male, I just met them for drinks as a friend, can't pretend I wasn't flattered, especially as my now ex h told me I was fat at a size 8. my neighbours are 55/75 him older, multiple health issues and she absolutely adores him..

Shadeflower · 18/02/2026 10:43

I think all you can do is kill it with kindness. You've expressed your concerns but ultimately want her to be happy. Treat him as one of the family and let her see he has more in common with you than with her!

That way you keep her close and she can come to you when it starts to go wrong. If she thinks you've always "hated" him, the realtionship will go on longer than it should out of sheer stubbornness, and she won't want to admit it, even if things turn dreadful for her.

Shadeflower · 18/02/2026 10:43

I think all you can do is kill it with kindness. You've expressed your concerns but ultimately want her to be happy. Treat him as one of the family and let her see he has more in common with you than with her!

That way you keep her close and she can come to you when it starts to go wrong. If she thinks you've always "hated" him, the realtionship will go on longer than it should out of sheer stubbornness, and she won't want to admit it, even if things turn dreadful for her.

trikonasanallama · 18/02/2026 10:43

It doesn't matter what you think - it's her life and her decision. If you try and control her - and complaining that she's not listening is trying to control her - she will stop telling you anything.

SweetCamomile2020 · 18/02/2026 10:43

I dated a 40 year old when I was 21, he was a gentleman. We split up after a year as he never wanted to go out much but we stayed friends. I don’t see the problem.

BillieWiper · 18/02/2026 10:50

My 24 yo cousin dated a 40 yo last year. She chucked him because he was too immature! So don't worry it probably won't last. But she's an adult and it's up to her.

I dated a 40 yo in my 20s briefly. He was nice, it was fun. Just because you're 40 doesn't mean you're an evil weirdo.

SorcererGaheris · 18/02/2026 10:58

There was a 14-year age gap between my parents, who met when my Mum was 23 and Dad was 37.

Theirs was a perfectly healthy, loving relationship. They married in 1987 and stayed married until Dad died in 2016.

Large age gaps between consenting adults do not, in isolation, equate to a problem.

I can understand parents having a bit of a bad feeling at first, maybe feeling a bit freaked out. But that's an (understandable) emotional reaction that isn't based in the facts.

jacks11 · 18/02/2026 10:59

YABU

you are entitled to your opinion, but other than expressing your concerns and explaining why you feel that way- which it sounds like you have done- there is nothing more you can or should do and is where it ends. Anything more is over-reach on your part.

Your daughter is, at 24, an adult who is allowed to make her own decisions, regardless of her mother’s views. You need to take a step back and accept her decision. It may be that the relationship is a disaster, but that is her mistake to make. All you can do is be sure she knows you will be there for her if she needs you. Push her too far and all you will do is drive a wedge between you because you are over-stepping boundaries, and the result if that will be a distancing of your relationship (in some ways) and she will find it harder to seek your support if she does need it.

As a parent you have no right to control your adult children’s lives- you seem to feel you have some right of veto on who she can have a relationship with, but you absolutely do not have that. Do you feel the same about other aspects of her life- e.g. who her friends are, her career etc? In all honesty, as a parent of an adult you do need to learn to respect her autonomy and right to forge her own path in life- she’s is going to make mistakes and mess up, as we all do. Hopefully, not too often and not too seriously- but they are her mistakes to make. Your role as her parent is to offer advice- preferably when your opinion is asked, for the most part- and offer support where necessary.

I speak as the child of a parent who did not respect my boundaries and felt they had a right to a say on how I lived my life (including who was, and who was not, a suitable romantic partner). I deeply resented them and felt absolutely undermined- it felt like they did respect me, did not value my opinions and did not trust me to know what I wanted from life or to make good decisions by myself. So, I simply kept them at arms length. I saw them less often, most contact was by phone/messages and I did not discuss my life with them in any great detail. In essence, our relationship became very superficial. I did not trust them to respect me or my boundaries, so I acted accordingly. I know they were very hurt, because from their perspective they were simply trying to help/make sure I was happy/did not do something I’d later regret. I’m sure that was, partly, the case- but I also think it was because they still failed to see me as an adult who had a right to make my own decisions, but rather felt they did have the right to enforce their views because I was their child (I think they felt the it was ok to try and control me because they were trying to make sure I was safe/happy/not making a mistake). The truth is that I did not need protecting from myself, I needed a parent who would be honest with their opinions but ultimately able to put those aside and support me (or at least respect me enough to accept my decision) where we differed. obviously, I don’t mean blind support, e.g. with something illegal etc. We have repaired our relationship over the years but it hasn’t been quick or easy.

Your attitude of “she just won’t listen!” reminds me very much of what I was on the receiving end of. It’s infuriating to be told that you just aren’t listening because you don’t agree with their opinion and/or won’t cave in to demands to change your decisions. The answer is- she has, no doubt, listened and understands what you think but disagrees with your point of view. And has decided to pursue this relationship because it is what she wants to do. You’ve told her what you think, now you should respect her right to make decisions about her own life. If you don’t, you may damage your relationship with your daughter.

PGmicstand · 18/02/2026 11:02

A friend of mine, at 23, was dating a 45 year old. Met him a few times, and he was great. They were together for 7 years, and broke up amicably.
It doesn't always work, but they were very happy whilst together. Ultimately, they wanted different things.

Netcurtainnelly · 18/02/2026 11:03

ByKookyPombear · 17/02/2026 09:49

She isn’t listening and I think the age gap is wrong.

It's not about you. She is 24.

.

nomas · 18/02/2026 11:04

Molluscsong · 17/02/2026 10:29

Send her round to my house. 25 and 35 didn't seem a big gap at at all. WBut as he nears 60 and me 50, the 10 years is really showing. He's getting tired and slow and I really am not.
I also resent those 10 years of free spending he had before he met me, whereas I'll be supporting us both when he's pension age. I've always outearned him, but with both wages it's fine.
At 25, he was what I needed, but I did not think of the practicalities and will not be advising my dc to do similar.

Are you happy? You don’t have to stay with a man you’re not happy with, no matter his age.

nutbrownhare15 · 18/02/2026 11:05

It's legal and not your decision. She's an adult and you can't stop her. Take a step back, you could explain that you have been worriee about X but tell her that you trust her judgement and she can always talk to you, there will be no 'i told you so'. Be open and curious or you'll push her away towards them.

Ahwig · 18/02/2026 11:11

My aunt was 22 when she met a man who was late 40’s. He was older than her parents. They were suspicious at first but then met him and liked him despite their initial reservations. He treated her like a queen and they were happily married for 30 years before he died. When he asked her to marry him, she said yes but that she’d be alone for a long time because of their age gap. He told her that she wouldn’t because she was so lovely she’d be snapped up really quickly. She did have relationships after he died but she never remarried as no one could live up to the high standard that my uncle had set . Not all age gap relationships are bad.

merryhouse · 18/02/2026 11:30

This would have been H's sister in 1998. They're still together, with a son (now Y9). Her husband retired a few years ago and does all the offspring driving as well as odd jobs for his MiL (take note😄).

hazelnutvanillalatte · 18/02/2026 11:32

NeelyOHara · 18/02/2026 09:59

Er, her mum? And it isn’t appropriate.

Exactly! These threads are always mind-blowing to me with the 'what business is it of yours? Say you think it's great' comments.

As a mother, I would definitely voice my concerns out of love for my child. Of course you can't force her to do anything, but it's not about forcing - it would be neglectful to refuse to mention your valid thoughts and concerns, and say you think it's all nice and lovely.

Bubble678910 · 18/02/2026 11:34

Yabvvu. She is 24! Let her go out with who she wants to!

SixtySomething · 18/02/2026 11:37

Wolfiefan · 17/02/2026 09:57

She’s an adult. She needs to make her own choices.

So aren't adults allowed to have people who love them and are concerned for their wellbeing?
Would you still say the same if a mother was concerned about her DC's drug habit?

SixtySomething · 18/02/2026 11:38

Bubble678910 · 18/02/2026 11:34

Yabvvu. She is 24! Let her go out with who she wants to!

Really!
What if it was a known criminal?

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