24 yo DD is actively trying to pursue a relationship with a 40 year old, talk me down

[ByKookyPombear]

She isn’t listening and I think the age gap is wrong.

What else can you do, though? Even if it's an unmitigated disaster that all ends in tears, she's 24. OP has told her she doesn't approve already - what else can she do that won't just ensure OP tells her absolutely nothing in future or doesn't come to her if she does need support? She can be horrified, but ultimately she has to mind her own business - or she can piss her daughter off by pushing it which will make no difference, given that the daughter appears to have no interest in OP's opinion. And honestly, nor should it make any difference - she's an adult. Adults have the right to make bad decisions (if it IS a bad decision) and experience the consequences.

I got myself involved with a man with a similar age gap. One of my friends was married to a man with a similar age gap. Both relationships were a total wreck. Unfortunately you have to let her get on with it.

Id be horrified but Id slap a smile on and not comment

not for or against, but even same age relationships can still be a mix of results

Well I wouldn't like it either but I don't think there's much you can do about it.

The age gap has nothing to do with you I am afraid. She's 24, not 14. You are going to need to let go or you will drive her away.

I have a friend (now 59) who actively pursued a 39 year old when age was 19. They were happily married until he died last year. A big age gap is not necessarily a bad thing.

Being horrified is fine but trying to talk her out of it, as the OP is clearly trying to do (given her comment about her DD not listening to her) will merely serve to push her away.

Yep. Until she asks "what do you think about the age gap?" the right thing to say is nothing.

Hi..difficult one.
I'd be reeling if it was my DD (being honest)
BUT ironically when I was 20 I met a 34 year old and spent most of my adult life with him. It was an awful relationship with a deeply abusive man that put me in years in therapy with CPTSD.
Family hated him and it just pushed me 'closer' to him as i became so isolated (an abuser's paradise)

A happier thought is that after a lot of work on myself, I then did meet the love 0f my life and we are inseperable. We are due to marry soon and I couldn't be happier. He is 25 years older than me.

You are bound to worry x

How compatible do you think they are in expectation, morals, outlook etx? X

I have a family member who married a partner 16 years older. The age gap has widened dramatically as they’ve got older. It’s no fun being a carer to someone 80+ when you’ve only just reached retirement age yourself. I’m with you OP, but you have to play nicely. I’d point out how old he’ll be when she’s 40. And how the age gap will widen at every decade. Then leave her to it. She’ll realise when she’s 40 how revolting it is for 40 year old men to chase after much younger women. (She does realise that if she did what he was doing she’d be chasing after 8 year olds 😜)

Lots of people end up dating/ involved with someone unsuitable at the age of 24, whether the reason is an age gap, total incompatibility or something else, even if it ends badly, it can be part of growing up (and perhaps stops a person making the same mistake at a more consequential age!)

There's not much you can do about it, you can say you've got reservations due to his age and that whatever you are referring to by 'attempting to date', you're not interested in hearing the details. When I was 24 I certainly wasn't running potential boyfriends past my mother, and it's the fact you know so much about this that perhaps speaks to a certain immaturity on her part? I think you can express reservations, then detach and let her make her own decisions. If it all ends in tears, just let her know you are there for and will manage not to say 'I told you so...'

She’s a 24 year old adult who is probably with someone with more money and the sex is better, so you’re not going to get her to see your concerns. Just let her know you support her and let her figure out her own mistakes (assuming it is one, because it might end up being a long term relationship).

She’s an adult. Kindly, it’s not your business. I see your point, but it’s still not something you can get involved with. If it’s wrong for her, she’ll learn .

Leave her to it, for goodness sake. She's an adult, he's an adult. It's completely up to her who she sees.

She's experimenting for goodness sake!
Just because she's going out with an older man doesn't mean she's going to stay with him long term as many other posters seem to suggest.
IMO, some men you date just for fun. Long term is a different proposition.
At her age she is finding out what she wants in a relationship. Just stay on the sidelines and offer a bolt hole for her to retreat to should things not work out.

I have a dd around that age and I would be secretly horrified, but I would support her and make him welcome.

24 is old enough to make their own mistakes… or meet their older soulmate.

I dated a 41 year old when I was 25 - it lasted a year. Leave her be because if you push, you'll push her towards him. Let it fizzle in it's own time if it's meant to. If he's her 'person' nothing you say will change that

Are these helping, OP? Or was this a fake thread, as you haven't been back.

There was a thread on here about men once they've been through a marriage, been lazy and expected the wife to take up the slack, and then went on to another marriage and realised that the problem was them and not the women and bucked up their ideas. I got the feeling the second wives got a better deal ... just a thought, maybe men sometimes grow up. TBH I think prob 40 year old men behave a lot better than 24 year old men

She doesn't have to listen - she's an adult. If the older partner is a nice person, maybe it could turn out to be a great relationship? Whatever, you do need to stay out of it, OP.

Also, we don't know whether the older person is male or female - not that it matters, but there are lots of assumptions in the replies!

Er, her mum? And it isn’t appropriate.

You are entitled to think what you like. Just as she is entitled to date whom she likes, because you are both adults with free will. It's not what you think, it's what you do that will impact your relationship - so you do nothing. You smile, and you let her talk about him and you say nothing.

If he’s tired and slow and not even 60 I would suggest he sees his GP. That is really not normal.

I was 28 and DH 39 when we met. I’m now 64 and he’s 75. Yes he has slowed a little but so have I! He still has energy for travel and new things. We are still happy.

I had a bunk up with a 37 year old colleague when I was 21. Just a bit of fun. I’m 45 now and this year will be our 20 year wedding anniversary, we have 3 kids together and it’s still electric (when it can be with 3 kids) it does sometimes work out. My parents were welcoming and we all get along brilliantly. Had they disapproved at the time I’d probably have gone NC. Be careful here.