To ask that my nephews don’t come

[Littlebitofthis1]

My niece is going through the usual hardships that many teenagers go through at high school. So for her birthday I decided to organise a girls only afternoon tea, and I invited my mum, sister, and niece to come along with my own two daughters and my son (because I’m on mat leave with him).

However, it’s caused a major argument with my sister (whose daughter I planned the event to celebrate). She is annoyed that I didn’t include my two nephews in the invite. I said for my niece, I thought it would be nice to make it girls only and not have her brothers there now she’s older. Now my sister is saying that she’s not going to come and therefore won’t bring my niece either, unless I include my nephews. She also used as an argument that my 6 month old will be there and he’s a boy. Not sure this is of relevance but I’m paying for the event.

should I include my nephews or stand my groundy daughters are still young but I always intentionally do some special things for just them and me and plan to continue that so I didn’t think I would offend anyone by planning this.

I'd hazard a guess and say that the mother is quite controlling and is having a tantrum because she realises her grip on DD18 is getting loose.

I would invite my nephews to the afternoon tea, and organise something with just you and your niece on another evening. The boys may not want to come but I can’t see why you wouldn’t invite them so that they have the choice, and then organise a more adult evening just you and your niece.

OP has said that her sister will only do stuff with her immediate family (husband and kids) at weekends so she respected that which is why she booked it on a week day.

They could be the best behaved children in existence, but 3 under 5s will always massively change the dynamic at an otherwise adult meal out. You must be on a different planet if you think otherwise.

@ProfessionalPirate You don’t need to tell me about my own job. I’m fully aware. I can still have meaningful relationships or give advice to family members when they ask for it- it’s not inappropriate, that’s life. I’m not counselling my niece in any shape or form.

This! Your niece is a young adult and is very lucky to have an aunt as caring and thoughtful as you. Can’t believe her mother is trying to ruin the special day you planned. Sounds as though your niece is right about her mother favouring the boys. If your sister doesn’t want to come she doesn’t have to - it’s your nieces day and she’s an adult who can make her own choices now

Her small cousins are only there because OP's husband is at work and her mum is attending the afternoon tea so she has no-one to leave them with.

Typical “other people’s children are a pain in the arse (her sister’s sons), but my children are just great and people LOVE spending time with them”.

Hilarious!

@Vivi0 you said that, NOT me. I have never once said my nephews are a pain in the arse.

And that’s fine.

But don’t try and sell it to be a very special 18th birthday treat for her niece, so niece’s brothers can’t come along. But the OP’s 3 children can.

It could have also worked if you hadn’t invited your mum and sister, and it was just you and your kids taking your niece out for an 18th birthday treat from the four of you. This would have been a treat in addition to whatever else anyone has planned for her.

I’d cancel the event - saying there’s been a hiccup. Wait a few weeks then check with niece which days she is available to go for tea with you and her cousins - your treat!

OP you have done nothing wrong. In my
family, your plans would make complete sense. There would be zero drama. And goodness, there are some idiots who post here!

@ProfessionalPirate she feels she can trust me to listen because I’m a counsellor. That doesn’t mean I literally counsel her. I’m not using any clinical methods I’m trained in during our interactions.

Yes I agree with this. I think inviting niece out for a meal just the two of you, or even to join your family, would be fine. But once you start inviting mum and granny, it becomes this proper birthday event that you’ve organised. I’m trying to imagine how I would feel if my sibling invited me to my own child’s birthday party that they had single-handedly organised. I don’t think I’d be thrilled about it tbh. Stepping on my toes a bit.

I’m really struggling to understand how this can be a special treat for your niece’s birthday, so her brothers can’t attend, but your 3 children can. There is no logic there.

On the other hand, if you are trying to engineer a situation to get your sister to
spend time with her daughter without her sons present, then that is overstepping, it is absolutely not your place to do that and I can see why your sister isn’t happy about it.

Your sister's a dick. No wonder they have a strained relationship.

If I were you, if it's already booked, I'd just adjust the numbers and make it you and your ADULT niece now instead. As an adult, your niece doesn't need her mum's permission to go out with you.

Is your sister one of these people who thinks having boys is better than girls?

I'm glad your niece has a good relationship with you, it's such a shame that her mother is trying to spoil her birthday treat. Absolutely nothing wrong with organising a girlie day, sounds lovely.

I'd imagine your niece would probably prefer it just the two of you anyway, considering her relationship with her mother isn't great.

No way would I cave and invite the nephews. It's not their thing (as in you said they're into xbox etc.), and them being there would change the vibe and obviously no longer be a girlie thing. It would also completely change the chat.

As your niece is 18, your sister literally has no say in this now.

Out of interest OP, if you organised a boys' treat for the nephews would your sister insist that your niece had to be included? Or does it only work one way?

Well you’ll just have to decide if these interactions are worth the potential damage to your relationship with your sister and possibly your wider family too.

Out of interest, do you think your sister really is a shit mum, or is your niece just full of typical teenage angst?

TBF, if my sister (who has only boys) asked my two sons to a birthday event, and not my daughter, just because she's a girl, I wouldn't be very happy. I wouldn't accept her being excluded in this way.

Just because your niece confides in you doesn’t mean you have a closer relationship to her than her mum, that comment sound a bit off.

i think you should of spoken to you sister before making plans, normally mums make these types of decisions.

Are you able to get the baby minded for the day? I think a baby would be less fun to have at an afternoon tea than the bday girls own brothers who I imagine are more than capable of chatting/eating some nice treats with their mum/nan and aunty.

@Gymnopedie so we do outings for just my nephews, and then we also do some where it’s all 3. My niece and I sometimes go running together which is usually the times it’s just us.

@ProfessionalPirate i don’t think that of my sister. She can parent how she chooses to. But I can disagree with my sister refusing to do things without my nephews always being present. My niece is a regular teenager, she’s processing how she feels and relates to the world and others. Some of her perceptions are tainted.

But I can disagree with my sister refusing to do things without my nephews always being present.

But you’re not simply disagreeing with your sister, you are actively interfering. You have engineered a situation to force her to do just that, and rather than be honest about it, you’re trying to dress it up as a “girls day”.

Does it occur to you that she isn’t refusing to come to the afternoon tea because her other children aren’t invited, but rather that she can see exactly what you’re doing?

But my sister has always had an odd attitude to events and will never do anything unless all her kids are with her

If you knew this, wasn't it a bit daft to arrange something that left out two of her kids?

😂 this
I have teen boys, I can just imagine their faces at being told all that.
Problem solved, they'd be running in the opposite direction 😁