To ask that my nephews don’t come

[Littlebitofthis1]

My niece is going through the usual hardships that many teenagers go through at high school. So for her birthday I decided to organise a girls only afternoon tea, and I invited my mum, sister, and niece to come along with my own two daughters and my son (because I’m on mat leave with him).

However, it’s caused a major argument with my sister (whose daughter I planned the event to celebrate). She is annoyed that I didn’t include my two nephews in the invite. I said for my niece, I thought it would be nice to make it girls only and not have her brothers there now she’s older. Now my sister is saying that she’s not going to come and therefore won’t bring my niece either, unless I include my nephews. She also used as an argument that my 6 month old will be there and he’s a boy. Not sure this is of relevance but I’m paying for the event.

should I include my nephews or stand my groundy daughters are still young but I always intentionally do some special things for just them and me and plan to continue that so I didn’t think I would offend anyone by planning this.

@AskAggie haha no, my niece is 18!

Why don’t you let your sister have her meltdown and not come? Just take your mum, your niece and your children? At 18, surely your niece can attend afternoon tea with her aunt if she wants?

It isn't a school party!
The OP has excluded her own nephews without just checking with their mum/her sister before going forth.

This is a sibling argument (between OP and her sister) that was completely avoidable. Pretty shit for the niece and the nephews, especially because the OP is keen to keep the argument going.

Initially, I imagined the niece and the boys to be under ten and was thinking it doesn’t sound so good.

But no! With the 18 year old niece, can’t see any issues. You sound like you are a lovely involved aunt. Nice - I wish my siblings and siblings-in-law could take note. I would say that the niece can decide to go on her own bat, and your sister can either like it or lump it.

My teenage boys love an afternoon tea. Why wouldn’t they?

It's a weird hill for your sister to pick especially seeing your updates OP that your niece is 18!!!

Your sister is being ridiculous if she compares a 6 month old baby to 2 teenage boys!!!

Keep it to the original plan your sister can either have a hissy fit or maybe realise spending some quality time with her DD is a wiser option!

I would say that the niece can decide to go on her own bat, and your sister can either like it or lump it.

How do people imagine this approach will play out? This sort of attitude leads to bad feeling, which doesn't benefit the niece at all.

@SkyPanel i love that for them, afternoon teas are great. 👍🏼 my nephews, while they do enjoy a good sandwich and cake, have never expressed an interest in that specifically, when I’ve offered to take them out before.

Just agree and say as this is a birthday gift it can be the boys birthday gift too, no problem if that's what they would like. They won't want to come to a girls tea party so they will decline.
Otherwise just ask her to a sleepover as another poster suggested, if that might be allowed.
Your sister is being rather odd.

I think it’s important to talk about it kindly (including with the non invitees) beforehand and depending on who they are, they could feel hurt/ left out or sidelined. It would still be ok to make the decision to do something they don’t want to be left out of and make it up to them by saying sorry and asking what they’d like to do another time. It’s your daughter’s birthday party. If they don’t really care then just give them a hug and have a nice party knowing you’ve been open and honest.

All the people who are just saying that the sister shouldn’t go…. Are you missing the fact OP is taking her THREE children all UNDER 5? No meal out with kids that age is particularly enjoyable, how is OP and her niece (that she’s oh so close to in age) going to have a good old girly conversation while OP has to manage three under 5s by herself. On what planet is that a nice 18th celebration.

Shes 18? If your sister is being a div just tell your niece youll pick her up and take her out yourself

I was thinking the same. Did you ask nieces mum if you could invite niece for a girly birthday day out?

However, to argue that boys should go because your baby boy will be there is a bit pathetic.

Fairness and equality are different sides of the same coin. DH and I would take each of our g nieces and nephew to events that we though each would enjoy. Some events cost more than others but they all had similar experiences

Really?

My cousin's daughter had a women's only afternoon tea for her 50th. (There was a family meal the following day.)

The daughter organised it herself.

ETA Her teenage sons were quite happy to be doing something else at the time.

I was with you until I read that your three children under 5 will be there.

So, you are selling this as a special 18th birthday treat for your niece without her annoying younger brothers there, but her 3 very young cousins will be attending? Sure.

No wonder your sister isn’t buying it.

I agree with a pp that this sounds like a sibling argument between you and your sister. You’ve essentially put your sister in a situation whereby if she doesn’t attend, it will prove to your niece that she prefers her brothers over her.

Well done you.

I hope your sister doesn’t single out your eldest child out in this way, creating conflict within your family.

Jesus your sister sounds like a PITA.

I vote you....Book afternoon tea somewhere absolutely deluxe (Dorchester or Claridges) and go just you and your niece then go shopping.

Leave all the little kids at home (inc your own)

I do also agree this can be seen as overstepping irrespective of what your sister does/ doesnt plan. Just because she doesnt plan stuff doesnt mean she wants Mary sunshine up in her space "making memories"

Tbh I'd rather have the teenagers there than the 6 month old baby.

And 3 under 5 year olds at an afternoon tea? I'd take teenagers over that any day.

You can’t really stand your ground though. If she doesn’t allow your niece to attend.

you sound like an amazing aunt it’s a shame your sister fails to see it

I'm struggling to understand how your sister appears to enforce this 'doing everything together as a family at weekends' thing when her daughter is 18 and the sons not too far behind. Don't they cut up rough about it? No way would mine have tolerated that. I can't imagine most teen boys would have any interest whatsoever in a girly tea party with babies & toddlers.

Ah but the adult niece is closer to OP than with her mother and the 18 year old is such a bestie with goodness knows what age OP, mother of 3 under 5s.

I think I would have organised the girly treat to be an actual girly treat - like getting nails painted, hair styled or watching a very girly show - followed by the afternoon tea. Unfortunately, with booking just an afternoon tea which is very much unisex there really isn’t a valid reason to exclude your nephews and it just shouts ‘we don’t want you there’. Your sister feels uncomfortable telling her boys they’re not invited to have ‘tea’ with everyone (it’s hurtful) but she wouldn’t feel uncomfortable if she could say ‘for xyz’s birthday the girls are going to hang out together getting our hair and nails done’ (not hurtful).

So your niece is 18 and you’re planning a girly day and your sister is annoyed because you’ve not invited her sons (your nephews)? How bonkers.
unless I’ve misunderstood your sister is acting crazy!

Say they can come and prepare a girly invite you can send round to them. Then let her have to battle with them to get them there. Your sister sounds ridiculous over her “precious boys”.

I don’t see the problem with it being girls only but I think it’s inviting your young DDs that would be an issue for me, afternoon tea is no place for children and it changes the vibe and does make it seem a bit unfair that your nephews can’t go. It should be adult girls only (a 6 month old baby doesn’t count, I get why you need to take him)