I’m a teacher; does this mean school holidays are solely my responsibility?

[teacakeandsandwiches]

Or is it reasonable to ask DH to take some annual leave then so I can actually have a life of my own a bit?

You can probably tell which way I’m leaning. This holiday I’ve arranged to see friends tomorrow and Thursday. DH quite put out he has to take time off but honestly is this really so unfair?

I think this is why the threads gone a bit argumentative (I don’t mean you) as team me are saying DH should only have time off in school holidays, which I don’t need him to or particularly want him to! while team YABU seem to think that me even slightly infiltrating DHs precious annual leave is morally repugnant when I am in the fortunate position of never having time away from children; mine or other peoples!

Oh god, not another poster who doesn't read OP's posts.

Her husband has five weeks' annual leave and only takes two of them during the school holidays. He takes three weeks off when his wife and children are at school so that he can do what he pleases with no responsibilities for looking after his own children. He doesn't seem to want to spend much time together as a family at all.

It sounds like you are a part time teacher and your husband works full time. I was in this position with three children and it honestly would never have occurred to me to ask my husband to take some of his holiday for me to have me time.
You have 13 weeks holiday a year, plus your non working days. He has 5, and will have to take some of that for INSET days.
But my husband used most of his 5 weeks in the school holidays, so occasionally he could take the kids out somewhere, if I wanted to go for a run, or swim, do planning, whatever.
To be honest, my favourite days were the holidays when I had the kids to myself. Everything on my terms, no compromises. We had a lot of fun and adventures.
Will you still be part time when your youngest starts school? If so, you will have me time every week, then.

Agree with op.

If you'd started by asking "should DH and I get a roughly similar amount of time to do our own thing, if possible?" you would have got a completely different result.

When you ask him to book leave, say "I'll send you a text so you've got the exact dates" and do so. Been there!

Ask him about his leave balance when planning stuff, or track it yourself. Some men are oblivious to their life partner not being a machine.

But this sounds quite short notice. It's hard to tell but it sounds like your plan with Sally visiting from Northern Ireland was only organised last week. As I mentioned a lot of companies require you to book time off in advance. It isn't always convenient to book a week beforehand as they may be in the middle of a project.

I don't think it's bossy organising the time off. If you weren't a teacher you would have to sit down and discuss sharing the holidays then. To me it seems a bit scatty and I don't then understand why you are resentful if he hasn't booked the time off and has left it last minute - companies do generally have a use it or lose it policy so if he has 3 weeks left and all the school holidays have gone then it's inevitable he will have to use it term time for himself.

I also don't understand how you say he forgets to book the time off. I would simply say these are the dates, have you put your holiday form in, has it been confirmed yet? Normal conversation not being bossy.

I think I am lost in what you wanted to achieve in this thread though because you seem to come back to not being bothered if he has time off with you or not, not wanting to tell him when to take his holiday, being fine if he has time to himself (but you want some days too...but can't tell him when as that would be bossy 🤷).

So this is a situation of their own making. Other than that, I don't understand your point.

There's something I couldn't put my finger on here, and now I have. It feels like you don't like your husband very much. You seem to have very little desire to spend time together as a family of 4, and decide from one week-long holiday, you seem to see no point in spending time together.

It's like you're arranging cover for the children with colleagues, rather than working out when you can spend time with the person that you're supposed to love and that you've chosen to spend your life with.

It feels like zero love there. The only emotion you've shown towards him has been grumpiness for the colour he painted the dining room.

Most of us with the luxury of having more leave than school holidays as a couple, take most of it together, because it's nice to spend family time together.

Totally agree with you. The freedom to do what you want with your children is immeasurable.

Wow, this is both rude, massively overstretching and yet another "because it's not the way I live there must be something wrong here".

I didn’t initially understand the premise but now I see that you are not unreasonable to want a few days off. But I continue to think you husband is unreasonable to take weeks off to himself. You don’t seem to realise this.

I don’t understand why you think it’s bossy to plan it all out with him. Me and my DH have to sit down with diaries and have a boring chat planning childcare out. If we didn’t it would be chaos!

You and your DH have a communication problem. Sounds like he is doing pretty well out of the situation. Weeks to himself and not supporting you financially with entertaining the children.

@Babyboomtastic i think you’ve been desperate to put your finger on something.

Of course I ‘like’ my husband. But he can be annoying (as doubtless I can as well) and I don’t really feel the need to insist that his annual leave is dictated by this need to only spend time as a unit of four. I’m happy for his leave to be a mix of family holidays, family time and DH time.

Others might not be but I am. It doesn’t mean we don’t like one another, it’s more a reflection we don’t all have to be joined at the hip.

@Cyclingmummy1 same. Some of my favourite days have been with my children. But other things are important as well and making time for them isn’t wrong.

The only person saying it’s short notice is you to be honest @Moonnstarz ; this arrangement was actually made in October.

@Bluesofadown i don’t think he habitually dies, exactly. But we don’t have the money to do weeks away; he does need to safe some leave and then we end up in a situation where it’s accumulated.

It is one of those though. I’m happy; he’s happy, what is there to be gained in insisting it changes?

So what’s the problem then? Ask him to take some annual leave and have a week to yourself! I am so confused as to what this thread is about!!!!!!! There doesn’t actually seem to be an issue?!

I work TTO and I wouldn't ask my DH to take AL to do childcare in the holidays. BUT my DH takes the vast majority of his annual leave in the school holidays so we can spend time together as a family and he also takes the DC away for a long weekend every summer so I can have a break during the long 6 weeks holiday. I also have my DP's locally and they take the DC for the odd day out or sleepover in the holidays too so I'm not entirely dependent on DH to get time to myself. If your DH is taking most of his AL in term time and just doing whatever he pleases then YANBU.

Then I don't see what the problem was. Surely if arranged in October you would have asked if he booked the time off, he would have said yes and then if he forgot you would have simply said but you did book it, does it not show in your calendar?

I think it needs to be a balance.

Neither of us are teachers but we each use a few days leave to go away by ourselves or with friends so we get a break from work and parenting - a complete rest.
then the rest we use to cover childcare and whatever family holiday we do. We also use holiday clubs as needed.

my single parent was a teacher so holidays were always covered. But we got sent to stay with relatives for a few days so he could have an actual rest otherwise it would be teaching and parenting without any down time at all.

So what? The same advice is regurgitated all through every thread on here. Also you seem to be a victim of what you’re accusing this woman of being. The OP has said she doesn’t want DH to take more than he does already together. Have you not read her posts to? Or have you just stubbornly made up your own mind

in my house our AL is a shared resource, we plan it together - that doesn’t mean we always take it together. Rather we sit down and work out what the family needs and try our best to accommodate as a team. YANBU to want for a couple of days to see friends that are visiting and have some child free time. Especially given your friends are visiting and you didn’t set the timetable. School holidays remain a responsibility for both of you and you shouldn’t be the ‘default parent’ just because you are a teacher. He’s bloody lucky that he doesn’t have to micro-manage the holidays and can normally head to work without a thought.

The OP has now said she has to regularly WhatsApp her DH telling him information such as that it's an INSET day coming up, so what we have here is a blithely unconcerned man who doesn't think he needs to organise anything.

OP, it's not controlling to expect him to a) remember things he said he'd cover (in October!); b) plan his leave and c) be actively aware of where his kids are due to be when. There's no need to be a cool wife about it. Just hold him to the same bar as an averagely organised woman.

Your kids are quite little. Take care that organising childcare doesn't segue into you organising and taking them everywhere for ever.

I put DH in charge of football a while back (on the grounds that he and DC are into it and I'm not) and I do NOTHING other than occasionally wash kit. Turns out DH is perfectly capable of arranging dates and lifts and paying subs. It's been rather liberating.

@Needlenardlenoo i think unfortunately we’re way past that point. It isn’t far but it’s very difficult to address without actually putting the children at a disadvantage.

In many ways these are the tricky years with one in nursery and one in school; when they’re both in the same place it’s easier to have a break. And DH has his good points but childcare is definitely seen as my problem to solve although he is generally accommodating re his annual leave.

OK, well I am about 10 years down the line from that and I say YOUR needs are equally important to his and the children's, so do what you can with that in mind.

For context, I am also a "part time" teacher and I work/commute 40 to 50 hours a week in term time so I try not to feel too sorry for DH who does similar hours but on a full time salary and with me to do his admin!

If everyone is happy why the thread. This is one of the most confusing threads I’ve read in a while.

some people are agreeing with you (me included) but you defend him and don’t seem to want anything to change.

In terms of time together, what did you do pre children? Did he take most of his time when you were working with only the occasional bit of leave together?

He seems to be avoiding family life, which you seem to be perfectly content with.

Can barely remember 😅

The thread isn’t about dictating all DHs annual leave, which is what it’s fixated on a bit.