I’m a teacher; does this mean school holidays are solely my responsibility?

[teacakeandsandwiches]

Or is it reasonable to ask DH to take some annual leave then so I can actually have a life of my own a bit?

You can probably tell which way I’m leaning. This holiday I’ve arranged to see friends tomorrow and Thursday. DH quite put out he has to take time off but honestly is this really so unfair?

He doesn't take most of his AL with his family. He took a week in August with them, a week at Christmas and then two random weeks while OP was working and kids were in school! He took the week AFTER the October break off - what a knob!

Possibly but to be honest I really don’t mind. We’ve had plenty of time as a family; he works from home Mondays and Fridays, I genuinely don’t feel like anyone missed out for not having family time that week and besides, he did do quite a few useful things during that week off (unfortunately his sense of colour is questionable.)

He does do a lot for our family (as he should) and to be fair to him has apologised and realised he got the date wrong. He isn’t generally a dick about these things but he did need reminding for want of a better word that just because I’m around 95% of the time doesn’t mean I do 100% of the work.

Our youngest is just over two and a half and I am starting to get a little bit of independence back, which is nice and I honestly don’t think that any parent should ever have to feel like they need to justify some time to themselves. Small children are lovely but a lot of work and a lunch with friends, a hair appointment or whatever just makes you feel better and like yourself again. I think DHs annual leave is for emergencies, which hardly ever happens, for family holidays, family time, but not just that and I’m fine with him having time for him, as long as I get a bit too and in fairness I do.

Well, he’s not generally to be fair.

So last year we had a long weekend away as a family Feb half term so he must have taken a day then.

Easter we were away over Easter weekend and then a weeks summer holiday.

So it’s not as if we weren’t doing family things - and every weekend. But genuinely I think he got to the end of the year and realised he had loads of annual leave that needed using. And we do have an old haphazard property and he is pretty useful with his hands so a few tasks were done in that time; the septic tank emptied (nice) and the dining room painted sludge green (can you tell I’m still bitter about this?) He also caught up with work which sounds contradictory but isn’t; iykyk I think.

This year may be a bit more even handed; depends what we do I guess. But I do think I’m entitled to the odd day!

I’m a teacher and can see both sides. My DH can randomly book a day off work if he needs a break and often does book days off in term time and gets whole days to himself. He also books days off to attend events linked to his hobby. I on the other hand spend all of my holidays with my children, so I’m either with school children or my own (who I adore, but it’s not a break!).

He only gets 4 weeks holiday a year though, so if he was to book off time to do childcare so that I could have days to myself, then he’d have none left to do family holidays etc with us.

My solution is I book my children into nursery (they’re not school age yet) one day a week during every school holiday. I use some of the days to get jobs done and the rest to have time to myself. It’s worth the money in my opinion!

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'm a teacher too and a mum, and if I were in your position and I was doing all of the childcare during the holidays without a day or even a few hours to myself, I might just go mad! I think many people don't see the amount of work that goes into our job too. It doesn't stop just because it is half-term or Easter etc. I will be planning, marking and organising a school trip this week (I do love what I do by the way) but you also need time to switch off, relax and spend time with your friends or you'll just feel over stimulated and burnt out. I feel lucky in the way that my husband is also a teacher so he had them this afternoon so I could meet my friend today for a coffee, which was lovely (finally, an adult conversation - where I am not interrupted with "Mum" or "Miss"). We spend the rest of the time together as a family. I wouldn't think it is fair if he was booking days/weeks off during term-time for himself if he wasn't a teacher and not considering me. So, I get it. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

To all those people who think the OP is being unreasonable, I was a SAHM while my DC were little. Should I never, ever have had a day off in all those years if it meant DH having to use a day off annual leave? We didn’t have money for nursery or family to leave them with and while it’s nice to spend time as a family, everyone needs a break sometimes!

Depends what your DH does with his leave. If he takes time for himself then you are perfectly entitled to do the same.

I always worked part time and I worked fewer hours in school holidays and had a lot of time off then. I was with the kids 100% of that time and that’s what I wanted to do. DH’s leave was spent on the 4 of us having family time. There’s no way in earth I would’ve asked him to have time off so I could go out with my mates. I would just do that in the evenings. YABVU.

I think most of us who work full time with only 4 weeks off a year see holidays as highly valuable. We used all of our weeks for family time when the kids were little. If Dh had asked me to use a day of my holiday allowance so he could have a lunch and catch up with friends, then I would have laughed at him and told him to find another solution. Like take the kids with, arrange to meet in a pub with a play area, meet in the evening, organise a play date, ask family, get the friends to come to you instead, arrange a holiday club.

Why do you assume she was in the wrong? It sounds like she made an arrangement in advance, which he conviniently forgot, and then got grumpy with her? She is entitled to time to herself.
Why are men held to such low standards?

If you both have only 4 weeks off a year then holiday is more at a premium for covering the school holidays. BUT if one of you can cover every school holiday, bar inset days, that still leaves 20 odd days the other person has going free. I don’t think it's wild to use two of those days to give the default parent a bit of time off!

I think it’s out of order.

Hard to say, all my annual leave goes on childcare for school holidays, I think that's pretty standard for parents. Our main issue is we can't cover all school holidays between us so we also use holiday clubs etc. In your position I'd look at local holiday clubs so you can have some holiday days without kids and yeah if you want to do something specific I'd expect your husband to take some time off to be primary parent those days. Ultimately though you have a lot more annual leave than most professionals.

My friends who are teachers with school aged kids are very vocal about the leave being the main oerf of the job as they get all that time with their children. Never realized there could be such imbalance.

I also have friends married to teachers and the dad, who is the teacher, also covers all the school holidays so I don't think this is specifically a mum thing either or not in my experience

If we didn't have school holidays to cover, meaning we need to take a lot of annual leave separately I think we'd take most of our leave together. It's such a luxury having a week together during the summer then one at Xmas and the rest is cobbled together. Op I'd be inclined to suggest to your husband that 4/5 if his annual leave days should be to cover holiday days and give you a break. That you should enroll the kids in some holiday clubs and also that he take annual leave for the things that are tricky for teacher parents like sports day, special assemblies etc

I’m a housewife and my DH will often take annual leave during school term time. He is a workaholic and doesn’t use all of his leave but it still annoys me. If he actually took a proper break and went away it wouldn’t bother me but he just stays home.

Your husband would be lucky to get school holidays off in my company. They are booked up so far in advance and we try to make it fair for everyone but there’s only so many people that can be off at one time. I get that it’s annoying he takes his annual leave term time but he wouldn’t have any choice if he worked with me, I’m sure plenty of other companies are in the same position with everyone wanting school holidays off and it’s just not possible.

What have you done about it this year though?

This is what I don't understand. He only had so much time to himself because he didn't think to book it off (so the issue is why not? Does he not think he wants time as a family? Did you not suggest he should book it?).
Surely you have learnt from this and have this year communicated in advance about his holidays.

@Moonnstarz we haven’t booked a holiday yet. When we do it will most probably be for a week in August. I realise other posters believe DH should desire to spend his annual leave with me and the children and only us but I can’t say I’m too bothered.

I don’t think there’s loads to discuss. I am fortunate in that I don’t have to worry about covering school holidays; great. But DH is fortunate too.

But he doesn't save all his AL to do things as a family. Out of five weeks' annual leave, he takes 15 days holiday during term-time when his wife and kids are at school.

He hasn’t said that this was the issue though. Just that he didn’t want to do it.
Just to add another perspective my DH has no issue getting time off in school holidays, so maybe the OP’s DH works for a company like that?
(I should point out that the reason he doesn’t have an issue is because he is very senior in financial services, surrounded mainly by other men, and it seems they don’t often take time off in school holidays presumably because there is a woman at home to cover them 🙄)

Well it’s relevant isn’t it, he doesn’t want to spend even half his annual leave with you and his family and he refused to use even 2 days so you can do a pretty one off event with a friend who’s flying into the country.
You keep trying to defend him but the facts make him seem like a total arse.
You can say it’s fine that he is wants child free time off by himself but he’s not affording you the same which makes him selfish and he doesn’t place any value on you also getting break.

I think it's confusing because your point is about him not booking time off in school holidays but why would he if he knows you're available and now that you aren't bothered if he is there or not apart from a week's family holiday!

He isn't psychic and I think you do need to talk as clearly you don't mind him having his time off term time, as long as you have time child free too, in which case you need to tell him which week to book so you can then go off and make plans to see your friends or whatever.

(It sounds like you make arrangements quite late about booking time off, as others have tried to explain school holidays are desirable times and need to be booked in advance. It's hard for a lot of companies if someone suddenly wants a random day off the next day (unless it's medical)).

To be honest, yes. DH and I can never take time for ourselves, it’s always for childcare. And if we’re off together, it’s for family time. We don’t have the leave and we rely on holiday clubs. But even then, this week I’ve had to stay in a holiday flat over an hour from home because none of the clubs within 30 minutes drive of use would take an under 5 (DS is 4 and in reception). I’d say you’re very very lucky.

So you think it would be perfectly reasonable for OP's DH to take all his five weeks' annual leave during term-time so that he never needs to spend his leave with his own children?

He can do this but it does make him a pretty crappy and selfish husband and father.

He isn’t psychic no. Which is why I say to him ‘Sally is over from NI, we’d really like to meet up. Are you able to take half a day off Thursday?’

I’m not trying to sound waspish, it’s just that not everything requires lengthy discussions. Apart from anything else, if I sat DH down and instructed him as to where I wanted him to take his annual leave for the entirety of the year it would a) be a bit bossy and b) he’d forget anyway.

I do WhatsApp him upcoming events for every month at the start of the month; eg parents evenings (for me) INSET days etc. He has plenty of notice; I’m not sure why some are determined to make this my fault.

@PurBal I’m not ‘lucky’; I’ve made a decision in terms of my career. I actually can’t stand teaching and I would love to do something else but I stay in it because it works with the children. If you would like to make a similar choice and also be lucky, you can.

@goz he hasn’t refused; he forgot and moaned a bit. He’s sorted it now. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t want to; it’s more that it’s largely pointless. I don’t need to have weeks and weeks of us all on top of one another annoying one another! Maybe I am an anomaly but a couple of weeks a year is enough 😅