I’m a teacher; does this mean school holidays are solely my responsibility?

[teacakeandsandwiches]

Or is it reasonable to ask DH to take some annual leave then so I can actually have a life of my own a bit?

You can probably tell which way I’m leaning. This holiday I’ve arranged to see friends tomorrow and Thursday. DH quite put out he has to take time off but honestly is this really so unfair?

But he is taking the majority of his leave on term time days.

I'm surprised people dont want to spend time with their own children. I was a single parent but time to be on my own was never on my agenda.

If he chose to book a whole week of AL for the week after October half term then I can absolutely understand why you'd feel pissed off that he's now being arsey about letting you have two days to yourself this half term!

My ideal situation if my husband were looking to take a few days AL would be for us to be together as a family for 1 or 2 days during half term, and then I'd get a day or two to myself during half term, and he could take a day or two to himself during term time.

This is it in theory, but I'm guessing that the reality is that he's the one who would also need to take off to care for the kids if they're sick/ school or nursery closures etc during term time when it would be much harder for you to get short notice time off? So in that respect surely that's what you'd agree to be banking his annual leave for? As well as time spent as a family for holidays etc.

I think if he's using his leave for family time and childcare then yabu because really you do have other options and could use a summer scheme like most other parents. If he's using his annual leave to get a day off then you should get the same but it also sounds like he's planning that when the kids are otherwise provided for so he's not expecting you to come out of work to facilitate it - so in that respect its the equivalent of you using a summer scheme club or a few nursery hours to create a day off for yourself.

This is not something I'd expect my partner to come out of work for op sorry.

This was my take. This stuff can easily take 5-10 holiday days when the children are little. Non-teacher couples can share that load but it is likely to fall all on him in this case. That leaves three to four weeks of his leave for you to spend together - going away, extra time off at Christmas, etc. Covering you seeing friends for random days will eat into that. Can’t you arrange something with friends where the kids can tag along? or they come to you?

He has fewer holidays than OP but she is the one looking after their children every single day of the school holidays. Her husband takes time off when his children and wife are at school so he may get less annual leave but he has much more time to relax and do stuff that he enjoys without having to take his children into consideration.

To be honest I’d put money on you mainly using those days to catch up on housework and admin!

I used to prefer my husband to have time off in the Easter holidays or summer so we could go away in the nice weather, the odd few days when we wasn’t going away I’d prefer him to be at work and then I’d take out children places on my own, I used to prefer the school holidays to when they were at school 🤣 everyone thought I was mad, because I’d rather they were home than at school, I found it easier

It doesn't make any sense. I have more leave entitlement than my daughter's dad so I use more leave for childcare. That doesn't mean he gets to just check out of childcare and use all his annual leave for himself while I don't. Absolutely fucking not.

Who doesn't?

But this doesn't impact on ops work... she could do the same if she books her kids into a holiday club. In fact if she did that she could potentially have significantly more 'free' days than he ever would.

I think the issue is that she's expecting him to get out of work and use annual leave when there are other alternatives available.

It isn't asking permission. It is treating each other with respect. It is arranging mutually appropriate days and not assuming the other can drop what they are doing for a non-emergency.

It doesn't sound like he's taking time off for anything during term time if he's got so much annual leave he needed to take it off in chunks. People will really get into the maddest contortions rather than ask anything of men.

My friends who are teachers definitely do 99% of the school holiday care. But I think you just need to sit down and make a plan. If you aren’t using his leave to do things as a family, then you need a fair split. He shouldn’t have the option to waste a week off on a random week in October because he didn’t use his leave up - and then choose the week his kids are at school. Fair enough for him to have an odd day to himself, but you deserve that too.

For this specific problem though can you pay for childcare so everyone can have what they want? My husband and I both work full time so we have the kids in camp in the breaks if we aren’t going away.

Wow ok, you get a medal for best parent 👏 . We're obviously just not doing it right to want occasional days to just be autonomous adults.

As long as he gets days to himself too sometimes

He gets 15 days a year annual leave to himself.

Yes maybe but what I would add - getting the opportunity to go class assemblies, nativity plays, sport days etc -is something many teacher parents would love to attend and they often don't last all day - it simply is not the same as the school holidays.

I’m with you @teacakeandsandwiches , if you don’t get a holiday in your holidays you’ll be on a fast track to burnout. Also what about the prep for next term? You can’t really do that with young kids in tow. Meanwhile he gets a whole week off on his own! He needs to be a bit more supportive- we all need downtime and being a woman doesn’t mean that you want to spend every waking moment with your children!

It sounds like the annual leave isn’t the problem. It’s the fact that your DH isn’t prioritising using leave to spend time with you and his family. He shouldn’t be using it to just have weeks alone. That’s selfish.

I think I am mostly a very good, very involved, loving parent.

I spend a lot of time with them; that’s why I’m part time and it is a joy and a privilege. I go to groups, take them swimming, to soft play, parks, feeding ducks, read to them, do the puzzles and games and all of that. I’m not perfect but I’m definitely not a ‘there’s an iPad now leave me alone’ parent.

But there are also other things that are important to me, and maintaining these, especially friendships, isn’t wrong.

Is it?

I don’t necessarily think it is. If the alternative was to have them in clubs or childcare yes sure but that’s not the case. I don’t think it’s wrong for anyone to have some time for themselves.

Yes I hadn’t seen that he takes his holidays when kids are at school - not on.

I do find it strange you’re getting such a hammering, how dare a mother want a coffee with friends without a 6 year old in tow?! I genuinely don’t think you’re unreasonable for wanting some downtime, some people don’t need it but I’m like you - I need time alone to feel more like me and it makes me a better parent when I come back! I don’t think it’s an almighty crime to ask DH to take a day or two leave to spend with his children so you can recharge and see friends. He presumably can do the same for himself? What’s the issue?

It’s two days?! Not two weeks! She’s asking for a short amount of time to see a visiting friend. What a strange take.