To not understand how DH does it re: friends

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DH isn’t overly sociable; he’s probably what you’d describe as normal. He’s not a wallflower, likewise he’s not someone who holds court or the loudest person in the room. He has a good group of friends, as do I, although I’m always open to meeting new people.

I’ve been attending gymnastics lessons with DD for over a year and my relationship with the other parents hasn’t gone beyond pleasantries and a bit of small talk.

DH took DD this week as I had to swap my day off at work. He knows three of the other parents by name, knows their jobs and family details, has swapped numbers with two of the dads , and went for a coffee with them and the kids after the class. They invited him.

Similarly, DH takes DD to swimming lessons every week. He’s befriended one of the dads without even trying, and is going for a beer with him in a few weeks.

Just before Christmas DH and his old home town group of friends were out for a Christmas drink. They bumped into someone they knew 30 years ago, got chatting and now that person is invited to the next meet up and the weekend away to the Lakes they have planned later in the year.

Does DH have some kind of magic touch? Or at male friendships just a bit easier? He genuinely doesn’t try - he just seems to fall
into these situations.

Any views?

I don’t consider myself an extrovert, in fact quite the opposite, but I’m old, I’m genuinely interested in people. My husband and I have travelled quite extensively and I think travel opens you up to a whole different education of people and experiences. No I’m not the sort of person who will chat to you 7 or 14 hours on the plane ( I’d hate anyone to do that to me!) but to pass pleasantries with locals in a queue, the waiter serving your local dish, the staff in hotels….and going back to people I’ve met here, my husband and I have had the best evenings in local pubs and restaurants, coffee shops etc just passing the time of day with other people. I don’t talk to people because the end goal is to meet with everyone I’ve ever met and hope we become long life friends….I talk to people because it’s nice, I’m interested in their dog, clothes, hair, life whatever.

but I grant you, maybe you’re in a different stage of life to me, I couldn’t do it when I was young. I didn’t have the time or motivation nor headspace!

I travel solo a lot and .eet very transport people. Nice to spend some time with them and not have to have a deep friendship

If people are interesting, they’re interesting, though. I spent an hour at a party recently listening absorbedly to someone talking about what it was like living in in a central London houseshare during lockdown, because I write novels and I need a character who did that. But actually, she was an excellent talker, and would have been interesting anyway.

Everyone saying this is a male thing... My mum is like this, as is my older brother. They're just both very talkative and charismatic - make friends with everyone without trying. I don't think it's specific to a particular sex.

Me, my dad and my younger brother are not like this.

People fall into two categories, radiators and drains.

The radiators attract everyone and the drains repel people.

I really dont think we can change which camp we fall into.

I make friends like this, my husband used to dread going shopping with me as I always stopped to chat to people. I just like people, perhaps we give off a vibe or something.

I don’t think this is a men/ women thing. It’s an introvert extrovert thing - and I don’t mean being wildly extroverted (that’s not the same as being an extrovert personality type)

This isn’t a male/female thing, it’s just a personality difference. No right or wrong. It’s good to have one person in a relationship that’s sociable and makes connections easily as the other person benefits too. There’s absolutely no need for both people in a couple to be like your DH - don’t feel like you’re doing anything wrong!

My partner is like this, I honestly think it’s just a mix of confidence + they don’t overthink it. If you put out plans most people will want in, it’s just a waiting game of who invites who.

If someone didn’t show up or obviously tried to dodge my invites, it would crush me and I’d be sitting thinking all sorts about myself - he on the other hand would just shrug and be whatever about it.

I think it’s a great trait to have but it can also get a bit tiring for me because I’m more introverted and everyone tends to want his attention/pull him in all directions when we’re out.

Some people are like that 🤷‍♀️my friend is very grumpy and takes time to get to know let alone like but somehow she collects people who love her everywhere she goes!

I agree with this. Obviously a bit of a generalisation but I think it's pretty true. I also think women are more often holding a bigger share of the load so are more distracted. I know my brain is often firing on a million different things while ds is at clubs and I leave later and kick myself at the social cues I missed because I was distracted in my own head about planning the rest of the day or thinking about my to do list so I imagine that's similar for other mums too.

I’m pretty “personable” for my job and with random acquaintances. I can strike up a pleasant conversation with most people. I remember them and can pick up where we left off. I spent teenage and young adult years in Ireland where that’s an art.

But I know how far to take it. Underneath my permeable layer there’s a steel core of privacy that only a select few are allowed to enter. Those I consider my real friends.

Yes, I am a bit like this and many women also consider me to be an absolute weirdo 🤷

We'd probably get along @RuffledKestrel

My DH is a bit like this but I think it's too much for most people and he actually has zero friends so your DH must have the magic touch.

Kudos to my DH though I can't even get the other mums to look at me and smile, even ones I've met at other kids parties. I smile and laugh with their kids and they just look at the floor or through me. DH usually at least gets them chatting a bit.

Im like this. Its just being charismatic and non forceful, people come to you like glue.
Some people take it like you're then destined to become great friends however and that has got me into a few intense situations before

I'm not sure it's an introvert/extravert thing either. DH is definitely an introvert but always makes friends easily. I think it's because he generally comes across as self confident and happy, and people just gravitate towards it. He's a complete contrast to me, I'm definitely a bit marmite, and was once described by a colleague as "scary at first, but nice really" 😂

@dottiedodah

why on earth would you presume that the dinner is the woman’s responsibility? That’s not how it work in my marriage or the marriage of most of my friends

I’m very introverted - all this means is that I’m re-charged by alone time and drained by time with people. I have the same
experience as your husband and get invited to things very easily and approached for friendship very easily. I’m actually just likeable. Is he?

Its an amazing trait to have because I recognise how much much easier my life is than someone who is a better person but less likeable.

My DH is like yours op, it's such a lovely quality. I smile and say hi to folks, but I also don't want to intrude or impose, so I kind of hold back. DH doesn't take this approach.

I am more like this than my husband. It’s a personality thing. It can be a useful skill, esp in a new setting, foreign country etc.

Some people seem to be like this.

My sister makes friends with everyone. She will go for a haircut and the next thing she’s going for a spa day with her hairdresser. She’s an extrovert and makes conversation with anyone and everyone. I find it draining to be honest as I’m an introvert. We can be walking through a shopping centre and she’d be going up to people telling them she loves their bag, she’ll always notice if someone has dropped something and then spark up a conversation about it.

I don’t think it’s a man vs woman thing because my dh isn’t like this at all.

I don’t make friends easily but one thing I’ve realised about myself is I’m very good at getting information out of people. People seem to tell me things, I’ll ask a question and next thing I know their life story.

Dh always laughs because I’ll come back from somewhere and know everything about someone.

I’m only guessing but is it possible that your neighbour is the one suggesting coffee and then they swap numbers in order to confirm arrangements?

That seems so obvious an explanation to me that I’ve struggled a bit, wondering whether I’ve missed something.

Maybe, with men usually being in the minority at kids classes, they are more inclined to speak to each other if they see another man there

Male friendships often consist of pleasantries and small talk. The depth of friendship you have with the pool/gym mums may well be the same as he has made with the dads - but with dads, they take the small talk to the pub. I am baffled when my husband comes back from a night with his friends or a long phone call - he can't tell me a single thing about their lives. They just talked about games and football or whatever.

So there's that.

But also - some people are just more sociable. My husband makes friends easily, I don't. Doesn't really bother me though.

This is interesting and also ties in with something I read recently that suggested we as women, and society in general, should stop assuming that male friendships should look like female ones. The researcher had spend time following male friendships in a hobby group and saw multiple instances of men showing interest and care for each other, it just didn't look like it does with women.