To not understand how DH does it re: friends

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DH isn’t overly sociable; he’s probably what you’d describe as normal. He’s not a wallflower, likewise he’s not someone who holds court or the loudest person in the room. He has a good group of friends, as do I, although I’m always open to meeting new people.

I’ve been attending gymnastics lessons with DD for over a year and my relationship with the other parents hasn’t gone beyond pleasantries and a bit of small talk.

DH took DD this week as I had to swap my day off at work. He knows three of the other parents by name, knows their jobs and family details, has swapped numbers with two of the dads , and went for a coffee with them and the kids after the class. They invited him.

Similarly, DH takes DD to swimming lessons every week. He’s befriended one of the dads without even trying, and is going for a beer with him in a few weeks.

Just before Christmas DH and his old home town group of friends were out for a Christmas drink. They bumped into someone they knew 30 years ago, got chatting and now that person is invited to the next meet up and the weekend away to the Lakes they have planned later in the year.

Does DH have some kind of magic touch? Or at male friendships just a bit easier? He genuinely doesn’t try - he just seems to fall
into these situations.

Any views?

It’s not a bloke thing it’s an energy thing. I go though phases of being like your husband and then going the other way for a few years. I can actually see myself doing it now when it happens - it an open level of enthusiasm I think, that makes all that happen.

I also have periods of life when I am not quite reclusive but I withdraw from this.

I thought it was a commonly accepted stereotype that men are LESS good at making friends than women. Thus complaints about husbands retiring and having nothing to do but mooch around the house all day; studies about women coping better with divorce because they have stronger social support networks etc.

Does he have a smiley face/ twinkly eyes or something else that attracts people?
Don’t worry too much
After a good friend died very suddenly I decided I needed three good friends- the sort you share confidences with and would turn to in an emergency.
I had to work at it but I achieved that with those three. It sounds clinical but it’s important.

I’m like your DH.
He’s either better at striking up conversation, more open to it when others try to do so, or a mixture of both.

I read something a while ago, can't remember where, that suggested women's friendships were generally 'face to face' friendships, where you primarily got together to see one another, talk, catch up, and any other activity was often more incidental. But that male-male friendships were often 'side by side' friendships, where they got together to watch a football match, play squash/golf, game etc etc, and that the friendships were more incidental to the hobby, ie they weren't facing one another, they were focusing on the match/screen/ball etc.

With the result that, if male lives change and they no longer have enough time or money for a round of golf or have to let their season ticket lapse, they often aren't comfortable with saying 'Do you want to catch up over a drink?' because the friendship was never about sitting opposite one another in a pub talking about their lives. So friendships fall away, hence the stereotype of the middle-aged loner.

I do think that's a generalisation to an extent, and I also think it's generational, and men with female friends don't fall under that umbrella, but there's somet truth to it.

I make friends easily. I find that listening and talking about things that interest the other person is a great way of making friends.

Long story short, we don't think so, she had a lot of trauma though, and she has a personality type adjacent to autistic traits.

I can't do small talk to save my life! I'm not really past the pleasantries stage with a lot of DCs friends group parents gang, they all seem to all know each other very well (as in talk about their lives, jobs etc and not just kids)

DH can talk to anyone and people seem to really receptive to him, if I tried what he does I'd get looked at like I'd grown two heads.

Maybe because they are fewer dads at things like gymnastics and swimming so they are delighted to see another bloke?

I think that too.

I think that's quite astute.

I'd agree with a lot of that.

This sounds like my DH. He even made a friend in a graveyard! I go to the same place week in, week out but nobody is interested in saying more than hello and good whereas others become best buddies.

My husband is the same. So is my sister. I am awkward af, and even if I have a great time with someone, I get such worry that they were just humouring me, that I rarely reach out to connect again. I just don't believe that people like me.

🤣🤣 he sounds fab ,,I find and have been told my face often gives don't talk to be signals(aka reating bitch face 😩) ,,is he just maybe more approachable looking outwarldy ?

The graveyard friend did make me laugh.

Lol I had a friend met his wife in the graveyard

I talk to anyone and everyone. I love meeting new people and I’m genuinely interested in people. I’m also very good at small talk, most people like to talk about themselves. But I’m also very aware, I can read the room instantly…I can see if someone doesn’t want to talk or if someone is being left out etc. I’m acutely aware of my surroundings. However, I’m the classic “I can be everyone’s friend…but they can’t be mine” and that phrase is so me. I don’t have any room in my life for anything more or anymore more people. I can chat away to you from minutes to hours but I will never take it any further. I don’t have time for coffee, I don’t enjoy socialising in the evening, I don’t want to give you my weekends…so the great conversation we’ve just had doesn’t go any further, I’m happy with that.

And tbh it wasn’t always like that. There was a time when I was working full time, training for another career, being a carer for my elderly grandmother, had two kids going through primary and then high school and a husband who worked away. I was happy at small talk, it was all I can manage, my brain literally couldn’t have any more tabs open. It’s only now I’m retired that I have all this time , space and energy to speak to everyone, to have time for everyone.

My husband and I have a friend who literally lights up a room wherever we go. Within an hour of being anywhere, he will know everyone’s name, occupation, home town, relationship status…all of it by the end of the evening. But he’s another one will leave it there. In fact you’ll probably never see him again, but he has this marvellous spark that people are attracted to. As does my husband.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we’re all different and we’re all approaching people and relationships in a different way. You could be meeting the mums who are happy at small talk because literally they’ve nothing else to give. There’s no room in their head to think oh she’s a nice lady, we must meet for coffee… imo women are too busy and bogged down thinking about getting all the kids home, dinner, bath, bed, must do the reading, must phone granny, must remember to book that appointment tomorrow, what was that deadline for tomorrow, did I take the washing out the machine…..whereas men ( I find) are just so much more simple creatures. Men bond so much more easily I find. They don’t have the mental load to carry that women do in my experience.My husband is popular anyway but he’s often found in a queue/bar/restaurant/airport/car garage/coffee shop wherever, chatting absolute nonsense living in oblivion to anyone around him, or that I’m waiting for him , or we’ve got an appointment or what the time is etc!!

I’m sure it’s just a case of the dads got talking on some topic and someone just suggested meeting up, exchanging numbers etc. Remember you weren’t there, a meet up afterwards could have just meant they were in the same vicinity after and sat down together, not necessarily a planned meet. An exchange of phone numbers may have simply been about oh I used him to do my electrics, I went there, oh yeah that’s the football ground …it may not always be an exchange of numbers to specifically meet. But even if it is, it’s not a reflection on you. Either your husband or someone did just made the casual comment of meeting or exchanging numbers. Someone “took the bull by the horns”. Personally I’ve never ever wished to be as talkative or as social as my husband (I couldn’t cope with it, I’d need a lay down after every conversation 🤪) but if you do, maybe just have a little more confidence in yourself in suggesting meeting up, exchanging numbers etc

My husband is like this, I do nursery pick up and he drops off. He’s like ‘oh so and so’s mum said this’ ‘x’s dad said Y and she has a sibling at the school down the road’ I’m just in and out with a couple of hellos!

My DH is like this. I honestly don’t know how we’ve managed to stay married 30+ years as when it comes to being social I have as much charm as a rabid premenstrual honey badger. Whilst he just gathers friends and acquaintances. It’s always ‘so and so came into work for a cup of tea today’ or ‘I said I’ll pop round to blah blah give him a hand moving the piano’. I know some newer acquaintances have been shocked that he is married to me, the village hermit.
I hope I die before him as I really don’t think I can afford the sarnies for his wake, there’ll be hundreds of em. Whereas he could get a couple of triple deckers from Tesco for mine.

he sounds really nice.
probably a keeper?

Bemused by OP and responses. Most men I know IRL are very poor socially and IME women are much more likely to do this than men. My DP is the most social man I know out of anyone’s other halves and even he would be nothing like this. Most men I know actively avoid any sort of socialist with strangers.

I definitely think we find it easier than women.

I think generally we fear rejection less. Strike up a conversation with another man, and then say "Fancy a pint one night next week". Maybe get a yes, maybe get a "Eh, the next few weeks are gonna be a bit busy". We get that it's a brush off, but no harm, no foul.

We put less pressure on our friendships as well. I saw my two best mates on Sunday, I hadn't spoken to them in a month prior to that. Most women seem to be in constant conversation with their best friends as far as I can tell. DP has a WhatsApp conversation going on that doesn't seem to have taken a pause in about 5 years.

I'd have absolutely nothing to talk about when we actually met up if I did that!

I find it odd that some people or their partners will spend a whole evening chatting to people and finding out all about them only to take it no further.

I couldn't be bothered doing that but each to their own.

This is me. I then get in difficult situations that I don’t know how to get out of. Good school mum friend who became clingy would get really shitty when I was going out with other friends or didn’t invite her along to everything. Made things very awkward!

I think this might be an extrovert thing. I love an evening where I've met loads of new people and chatted; especially if I'm never going to see any of them again! I barely have time to meet up with the people I'm actually friends with- let alone new people.

But meeting and chatting to people gives me a buzz.

Re yr dh and the invite to coffee, all it takes is one person. Often just luck of the draw. I met some great women if baby group once upon a time. But we'd have still been sitting in that bloody room, if I hadn't suggested meeting up for a walk the week after. We were all thinking it, but it just needed one person to say it. I'm not best buddies with them, but 17 years on and we're still on fb chatting/ I'm passing-by-uour-town- you- in?terms.