To not understand how DH does it re: friends

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DH isn’t overly sociable; he’s probably what you’d describe as normal. He’s not a wallflower, likewise he’s not someone who holds court or the loudest person in the room. He has a good group of friends, as do I, although I’m always open to meeting new people.

I’ve been attending gymnastics lessons with DD for over a year and my relationship with the other parents hasn’t gone beyond pleasantries and a bit of small talk.

DH took DD this week as I had to swap my day off at work. He knows three of the other parents by name, knows their jobs and family details, has swapped numbers with two of the dads , and went for a coffee with them and the kids after the class. They invited him.

Similarly, DH takes DD to swimming lessons every week. He’s befriended one of the dads without even trying, and is going for a beer with him in a few weeks.

Just before Christmas DH and his old home town group of friends were out for a Christmas drink. They bumped into someone they knew 30 years ago, got chatting and now that person is invited to the next meet up and the weekend away to the Lakes they have planned later in the year.

Does DH have some kind of magic touch? Or at male friendships just a bit easier? He genuinely doesn’t try - he just seems to fall
into these situations.

Any views?

My DH is like this. Everybody likes him. I think it’s because he’s funny. I get bogged down with the day to day stuff and am distracted and stressed.

Other way round in our marriage.
I can't understand how dh didn't know other parents at things he used to take them to.
Example - during the time our dc were at different swimming lessons from each other - If I needed help to get them to or from a session on 'my' night, (car in garage / another child ill, etc) I had several people I could ask, because I chat to people and create the sort of ambience where it is fine to do that (and of course offer help to others who need it). When dh ever got stuck on his night, he knew no-one, and couldn't understand there might be another option other than the dc not going that week.
Bizarre.

It isn't a male / female thing, it is a personality thing.

It does sound like he has the magic touch!

I spent many a year taking DCs swimming lessons and never got beyond pleasantries.

He must be an innately friendly person.

The ppl who are loud or who 'hold court' can be annoying types...

Minorities gravitate towards each other. My dh has made friends with dads in every class with dd (2) because there are so few of them about that they look to each other for solidarity.

My DH is much better at this stuff than I am. I'm always worried people will find me annoying and not want to know me so I'm too scared of rejection to reach out!

Some people just naturally find this easier than others.

It does sound like you overthink this too, which is the fastest way to repel potential friends.

People who are really socially gifted don’t give it any thought that do it, usually because they enjoy meeting people and asking them questions.

I just assume everyone wants to know me. Why wouldn't they?
I am not saying we will be best friends forever.
Generally people don't think about you as much as you think they do.

I was pretty amazed that acolleague who was retiring after many years didn't know the names of the guys on the desks facing him. His replacement seems to have got to know everyone within a month far better than I have.

I'm the only woman in the room, whuch I don't think helps, and I have no interest in football, which they're all mad about. I also had a mother who told me not to be nosey by asking other people questions about themselves, and that no one was interested in me. I can make myself talk to others, but it doesn't really come naturally and I don't really expect anyone to be interested in the things I am. I'm not very relevant to anyone.

That's exactly how I feel.
I have a relative who has business type cards with her name and number on them and if she goes to anything new she gives them out to people and says "If you fancy meeting up for a coffee just give me a ring"

Don't know if anyone ever does.

Your mum was wrong.

It’s usually said the other way on here. So the woman with an active social life and the man with no friends and not interested in being sociable. I think it’s more about personality

This. Though I don’t so much think it’s ’socially gifted’, more ‘socially confident’. I’m not bothered by being in a room of total strangers, I’m generally interested in people, and if I encounter someone I like, I’m happy to make the first move on exchanging numbers or proposing a coffee. If they’re not interested, that’s fine, too — I’m not crushed or left vowing I’ll never do that again.

I am like your DH, my DH both joined a new gym at the same time, I have a squad and we go on frequent nights out, he chats to a few people and that’s it.
We go on holiday I come back with a load of phone numbers and a few months later fly to another country to stay with one of them.
I became friends with the admin lady at my DM’s care home and we meet up.
When my DC were younger I’d make friends at every toddler group I joined and it was the same when they went ti school. My best friend is my toddler group friend who I met 25 years ago.

My dh knows more of the parents at clubs / school than I do. He has zero hang ups about himself. He is outgoing and has no expectations of anyone and no expectations that any meaningful friendship will come from a chat. I think that helps. He is definitely better at this than me. I talked to one of the mums he chats too and could tell she was cheesed off with me within a minute as she asked her other half if he was "ok" then didn't carry on with the conversation after I said my three sentences.

Some people are excellent at small talk, I'm utterly shit at it so actively avoid chatting to randomers. My best friend will talk shit to literally anyone and seems to befriend people wherever we go.

I don’t understand — why would she be ‘cheesed off’ with you if you’d literally only exchanged a few words?

I can natter and chatter and work a room and people tell me lots about themselves. People love talking about themselves. I can strike up a conversation over the wine, grape variety, a marvellous vineyard in France where that's grown to an historical site in the next town. By the end of the evening, I know how many children someone has, the name of their first wife and where they are going on holiday/spending Christmas.

DH can talk intensely about points of law, horseracing, cricket and opera. I sometimes have to introduce the person he's speaking to to somebody else before he bores the pants off them. He can work with someone for years, go to the same lunches and drinks and yet know little about them. He also shares very very little about his personal life.

My DH is like this. I put it down to him being a nicer person than me.

I’m a bit like your DP. I’m a good listener, and I’m also genuinely interested in the minutiae of other people’s lives,and I’m happy to share the minutiae of mine. I always -probably naively-assume that other people are nice and well intentioned until proved otherwise.

It was drilled into me as a child by my mother never to appear "bold" or "forward". I had zero confidence and never made the first move to chat to people.
As a result I was always shit at interviews and still find it hard to get anywhere further than basic small talk with new people.

I come from a place where it's the norm to quiz the arse of people and find out all about them. OB is not local and this nosiness drives him mad.

I think it's a superpower that some people have. I have a friend who collects people and a dh who is pretty rubbish. Everyone who knows him likes him, but he couldn't tell you the names of any of our neighbours or our kids' friends.

I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm friendly and talk to anyone, but don't get to the swapping numbers stage much anymore. Dd has been dancing for a few years and I have absolutely no interest in getting to know the dance mums. They probably think I'm a stuck up cow, but as they appear to live for it and I'm counting the years until dd gets bored, we've not really much in common!

My DH would say this about me. I'm not particularly loud in a big group, but I do make small talk with small groups/individuals easily.

That’s exactly how I was brought up. You can change the script, with effort.

Not naive. Most people in social settings are nice enough. I am not advocating being friendly with randoms on the Tube. And not all will have the time for more friends. But how will one know unless one tries?

I find it interesting that you automatically leap to the negative (she’s cheesed off) over something more likely and mundane, like she’s just tired or unwell of wants to be left in peace.