To not understand how DH does it re: friends

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DH isn’t overly sociable; he’s probably what you’d describe as normal. He’s not a wallflower, likewise he’s not someone who holds court or the loudest person in the room. He has a good group of friends, as do I, although I’m always open to meeting new people.

I’ve been attending gymnastics lessons with DD for over a year and my relationship with the other parents hasn’t gone beyond pleasantries and a bit of small talk.

DH took DD this week as I had to swap my day off at work. He knows three of the other parents by name, knows their jobs and family details, has swapped numbers with two of the dads , and went for a coffee with them and the kids after the class. They invited him.

Similarly, DH takes DD to swimming lessons every week. He’s befriended one of the dads without even trying, and is going for a beer with him in a few weeks.

Just before Christmas DH and his old home town group of friends were out for a Christmas drink. They bumped into someone they knew 30 years ago, got chatting and now that person is invited to the next meet up and the weekend away to the Lakes they have planned later in the year.

Does DH have some kind of magic touch? Or at male friendships just a bit easier? He genuinely doesn’t try - he just seems to fall
into these situations.

Any views?

🤭You mean I’m not supposed to be friendly with randoms on trains?

Why did you assume she was “cheesed off” with you?

If he has done that after just one swimming lesson whereas you hadn’t done it in a year, it suggests he is much more sociable!

It's much easier for men to make friends and arrange 'dates' as their partners are often the default childcare.

It would be very unusual for a mum to simply make off the cuff plans with another mum and inform her husband that's what she was doing.

I’ve been doing it the entire time I’ve been a parent. DH is equally responsible for our DC.

Why would that be unusual?

I don't think it's a male thing. I do exactly the same

My mum was and is really annoying as she has no social skills - she will literally latch onto any stranger so she can monologue about questions they didn't ask, and she's always correcting strangers about irrelevancies (e.g. pronunciation of local places names, opinions contrary to hers etc).

It made me very aware of when people are disinterested, but also a great example of the opposite of what to do. So I ask questions, if I disagree with someone I do it cheerfully (e.g. "lovely day" - "ooh, a bit hot for me, haha"), I suggest things people generally like to do, and I don't mind if they suggest something I wouldn't choose myself.

I could tell from her body language. She didn't ask me one question for a start. Then as soon as I stopped talking she asked if her bf was OK like I was boring him.

It takes me a really long time to make someone a friend. I have people I know and am friendly with, but it can be years before they become friends.

DP and my older DS (adult) assume everyone they've ever had a pleasant chat with is their friend, which seems to get reciprocated.

I think it's mostly that they don't worry or analyse such things.

I haven't made any new friends for years. My 3 main friends are from primary school, high school and uni.
I have friends from workplaces but I knew them when we were young anyway.
I can't think of anyone who is completely new to me.

As a PP said, I won't make the first move for fear of rejection then I'd feel like an idiot and never do it again so I'm happy with my small amount of friends.

Possibly the men in this particular setting are more friendly (to other men) than the women are to the women? I've found this with football.

@Shadeflower I agree with ‘they don’t worry or analyse such things as much’.

Saw a clip of a stand up comedian a bloke doing a mock quiz on a friend they had known for 20 years. They could relay what football team they supported, all nicknames they had but couldn’t remember the name of the friends wife and other actual very personal details.

I game and almost all the people I game with are men, just because that’s who will speak on mic as it’s a harsh environment, known some for 14 years . They forget I’m a woman as it’s just all on mic. There is a lot of piss taking.

I make friends easily and people always chat to me, it’s become a bit of a joke in the family with DH and DS asking who spoke first. It is 95% of the time the other person. My Mother and one of my sisters were/are the same. I have unfortunatley been very unwell recently so have been in contact with various medical professionals. I seem to now know a lot about them. I didn’t ask!

People just seem comfortable with me, I’m pretty straightforward. I also don’t worry about being seen as nice I do think that is a societal pressure that many women give in to.

One of the things I never understand on Mumsnet is the way some people seem to take a pride in not making friends. The “I don’t associate with school mums” vibe. As if the poster feels herself to be above the “mundanes”. Obviously, sometimes it’s a cover for shyness. But not always…

That doesn’t mean she’s cheesed off - not everyone wants to make small talk.

I normally hate it when people do this but it sounds like your mum could be autistic.

Male friendships may be different, but they're not automatically easier.

Both my DH and DS are very friendly people, but neither finds it easy to make friends and neither has many friends of their own.

For the nearly 40 years I've known him, DH has literally never "gone out" with friends, not a single trip to the pub, the football or a holiday etc. He's got a small group of people he'd regard as friends, but it's little more than the odd chat when they randomly meet (i.e. locally or with his hobby groups). He's always got on well with his work colleagues, clients, etc., but none have become friends.

DS often complains he's lonely - he was lonely throughout his three years at Uni and now lonely during his 2 years working in his graduate role at one of the biggest insurance firms in London. Like DH, DS gets on well with his work colleagues, but in the 2 years, he's only been "out" with any of them a couple of times to pub quizzes - he was the same at Uni - never socialised, but had lots of "friends" in lecturers etc who he'd chat to, but which never led to anything.

So, whilst it's different, I think some men can find turning "acquaintances" into friends just as hard as some women.

Males are different when it comes to friendship, we don't seek comfort from each other and don't seek reassurance or emotional support. We just want to talk about football, the news, holidays and really just take the micky out of each other. That's why we rarely fall out with friends, it never too deep. We can go out with them or not see them for a while, it makes no difference.

Not just men but people who don't try too hard seem to have easier relationships with people.

I think this is a big part of it - I see so many threads on here from people questioning absolutely everything and analysing to the Nth degree and I just think it must be absolutely exhausting in their heads - it would certainly put me off trying to maintain a friendship if someone appeared too intense.

I wish I was a bit more like your DH!

I have no idea but really wish I was more like your husband! I really struggle to make new friends

just seems like he is friendly and welcoming. mine is like this. he gets recognised by people he met once at festival for 5 minutes. its mad but really nice.

I think people appreciate others actually showing an interest in them rather than just the odd hello how are you. you have to actually want to engage with people not just do the pleasantries because of societal norms. mine loves it, whereas i'm not bothered.

My DH is the same. He can make friends with anybody. I like to be sociable and always try to chat to people and keep in touch with friends, but somehow I feel like I’m being needy and a bit of a pest, so I back off. I do have friends who I see for the occasional coffee, and some who I only really chat to online these days, but nobody I feel I can call on to go for a random drink or turn to in a crisis. DH has loads! I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I have a lot more actual friends than DH but he frequently tells me about conversations he has with people at the gym or his hobby group etc. They're with a mix of men and women. In similar situations though I tend to focus on what I'm doing. I'm open to conversation but not necessarily actively looking for one. Also, perhaps significantly, he mostly works alone at home whereas I'm surrounded by colleagues.

Overall my experience is that men talk about general stuff - politics, sport, the news, their exercise regime etc, but women like to find out who you are as a person, which is fine but maybe harder to initiate?