Division of responsibilities

[Advice5]

Just want some opinions do you think this is a reasonable set up? My husband works long hours and works really hard to provide for us. I work part time across 3 days. We have 3 kids youngest is in preschool. I do 95% of everything childcare related, all domestic tasks apart from the bins, school admin etc. I pay for the food shopping, kids activities, anything kids need day to day clothes etc and whatever i need for myself. I can treat myself to things i may want to as my husband doesn't put financial pressure on me which i am grateful for. My husband earns a lot more than me and has managed to pay our mortgage off which i am grateful for, he pays the bills and for holidays too. He is also responsible for investing what money he can but puts this under both our names. He isn't pressuring me to increase my hours when my youngest starts school in Sep. Do you think I should expect him to do more at home or do you think this is fair? Any thought from part time workers also welcome. Tia

I dont want to be at risk of taking anything for granted having gotten used to this arrangement so want opinions please

How are your finances organised? It’s not clear from your post. Are you saying you cover all kids stuff from your wages?
I think all bills into one pot, all bills paid, what’s left is split equally.

I think you both should try to have the same ‘free’ hours per week. You use your two days off for household tasks; he is working five days, so are you (3 at work and 2 at home).
the jobs that are left should be split fairly; but there shouldn’t be many if you have two days to do them in the week. So if there’s any fun hours left, you both get Equal time off.

Yes I cover the kids costs from my wages, my husband covers all the bills and any big expenses at home. He will also pay for some of the kids costs it's just I tend to do it mostly as I keep track of what they need.
Thanks for your views, I do get some leisure time a couple of hours at the gym on one of my days off and a couple of hours to relax if not more if I'm tired on my other day off

Forgot to add i give him some relaxing time on Sunday as I get some time on my days off

Bump

You should both have the same “ free cash” money to spend on what you want - that’s not stuff for kids or house or family

you should both have the same free time - that’s time you can do whatever you like , meet a friend, go gym

yiu should both have equal say in things - where to holiday, what fun things you do, what meals

the way you phrase your post is concerning - you are grateful that he has paid the mortgage - didn’t he also live there? Isn’t he your husband ?

What do you think? Do you feel happy with the arrangement or do you feel like things are unfair? Do you get adequate rest time yourself? Does he step in with the kids when needed or is it all on you?

We are both able to buy what we need for ourselves as we have both worked so hard to be able to do so.
In terms of time I have some in the week, i think he needs some too so I give him majority of sunday to do what he needs to.
We do have an equal say in where we go on holidays and what we do.
Yes in terms of mortgage not sure why that is a concern, as he paid it and I didnt pay towards it, due to how we have divided our responsibilities and the income we each make.. of course I am still going to appreciate that my husband worked so hard to do that

I feel in a lot of ways it is a good arrangement for me, sometimes I do feel though he should do more than he does with the kids but I don't know if that is me being unreasonable given what he is bringing to the table, thats why i have posted on here to get views. As my youngest started preschool I do get some rest time on my days off now

Yes I think you are being incredibly unfair and possibly selfish/entitled. You want your cake and eat it - you already said he “works long hours” “works really hard” paid off the mortgage invests in both your names and not putting pressure on you to work more. But this is MN where posters expect all this from a man and then for him to come home and do half the housework

Is the house in bath names? I wouldn't worry too much if so.

Financially I would expect you to share all costs based on income, so you pay a third or a quarter of everything. Likewise he pays his share of all the kids stuff

You don't say what his hours are? If he's working M-F 7 til 7 he probably can't do much around the house on those days.

He can and should take turns at the weekend. So if kids are young and need an adult up then one day you do and one day he does, you both deserve a lie in. Likewise, with bath, bedtime story and meals.on the weekend. He needs to parent equally when there.

You might have done more housework during the week so non/little to do at the weekend as you've got days off, unless you have DC at home too.

Thanks for your perspective. I wasnt expecting him to do half the housework I do all the housework and i think thats fair. He just does the bins. It was the kids to do more with them and be more available to parent them i was talking about.. but in the week I guess he works long hours sometimes until there bed times. On a Sat he takes them to a club so maybe I am being a bit selfish to expect more

Simple way to assess it ,,imagine you totally swapped roles. You work the amount of hours at the stress level he works, with the expectation that you will also deal with kids and home stuff, and he has a part time job and does the housekeeping type stuff. Would you think this was a fair split?

Yes the house is in both names.
Financially I am not concerned about what I contribute as I think he is very understanding and contributes more and we have a better lifestyle because of how hard he works and his income.
Yes his hours are long often not finishing until around 7.30pm.
Thankfully our children are no longer waking in the night. He does get them up 1 morning at the weekend I do the other.
He makes lunch one of the days at the weekend and does bedtime routine for kids one evening at the weekend.
Yeah I do most housework on days off. Youngest is at preschool now so my days off are without the kids

Days off without kids and he takes to them a club on a weekend ….seriously I’m starting to think your post is a joke one

how about you try being the breadwinner in a job requiring working 5 days long hours and the stress and responsibility of carrying the entire family financially. And then imagine your partner is sat at home on MN posting about how you don’t do enough - I think I’d be pretty insulted wouldn’t you?

I can assure you its not a joke post i am asking genuinely as my husband thinks im being unreasonable asking him to parent more/do more with the kids so i wanted views. I take the kids to 3 clubs in the week. A chunk of my days off is seeing to life admin and chores.

Thanks for your views it is food for thought maybe I am asking for too much

I think it sounds pretty fair to be honest, he sounds pretty decent. I wouldn’t expect him to do more than what he does imo. You’ll get a lot of responses where people think he should be doing 50/50 as it’s what MN seems to think.

Thanks for your views. I have seen a lot of posts about 50/50 but I agree with you i think its about looking at things collectively.. I am glad to be working part time as I think its good for me to have that for me, aside from that I guess my focus is more kids and managing the house, his is more to provide.. so parenting was never going to be 50/50 I guess

What do you honestly expect him to do when He doesnt get home till 7.30 at night? I’m not being funny here I’m genuinely curious? Do you want him to take the kids to bed? Make tea?

Me and my DH have a similar set up , one MN would be horrified at the old fashioned way. I do work but I do all child related stuff / house stuff & DH provides/ fixes / maintains things. He wouldn’t know what size shoes or nappies to buy but I wouldn’t know how to service the car! It all depends what works for you and if your happy.

You are onto a winner OP.
You are very fortunate

If you do all of the housework, why not do the bins as well?

He works from home some days and on those days if the kids arent playing ball i get a bit frustrated if he doesnt intervene.. he is usually still working though at that point or has just logged off and is drained. I dont expect him to make the tea or do bedtime routine

Do you work full time or part time? I am grateful for all my husband does, maybe it is me being brainwashed about what society tells us that men should do more at home etc

He can’t help you when he is working. But if you are both tired at the end of the day surely you both pitch in? Likewise at the weekends - if there is minimal housework to be done then you equally pitch in with that and the kids. You say he takes them to a club on Saturday and makes them lunch. What about the rest of the day/weekend If they are playing up? Bored? Does he leave it to you to sort out or he is as involved as you are?