Division of responsibilities

[Advice5]

Just want some opinions do you think this is a reasonable set up? My husband works long hours and works really hard to provide for us. I work part time across 3 days. We have 3 kids youngest is in preschool. I do 95% of everything childcare related, all domestic tasks apart from the bins, school admin etc. I pay for the food shopping, kids activities, anything kids need day to day clothes etc and whatever i need for myself. I can treat myself to things i may want to as my husband doesn't put financial pressure on me which i am grateful for. My husband earns a lot more than me and has managed to pay our mortgage off which i am grateful for, he pays the bills and for holidays too. He is also responsible for investing what money he can but puts this under both our names. He isn't pressuring me to increase my hours when my youngest starts school in Sep. Do you think I should expect him to do more at home or do you think this is fair? Any thought from part time workers also welcome. Tia

Do you know, many of us work full time and long hours and parent children as well? When we finish work we make the most of whatever time is left. We get stuff ready for the next day. We make sure homework is done.

It's not all about the two of you and whats fair between you both, it's also about whats fair to the kids. He decided to have children, that means he owes them some of his time.

I don’t understand the thought process of he works hard so doesn’t have to parent in the evening or even make dinner/clear away after dinner. I’m a single mum (sorry to trot that out) and have to do it despite being tired from work. Fair enough you do the bulk in the evenings but he should still contribute too.
What if you worked full time? Would he be more 50/50 then? or is it purely his full time hours and your part time hours that are stopping him?

eta how old are your older 2 dc? Are all 3 his?

If he doesn't finish work til 7.30 I don't think he has time to do much in the evening.
Are you also missing that OP has two childfree days to get things done or do her own thing?

But in the evening he could do dinner for him and his wife a couple of times a week? Or read bedtime story for the older ones (depending on ages) once a week. Finishing at 1930 doesn’t get him out of all aspects of parenting I don’t believe. Yes I see Op has 2 days off in the week - 1 day she does housework/admin and the second day she goes to the gym. On a Sunday the dh gets to do what he wants too. I don’t know - there’s a reason op is feeling like this and I think she should really consider what that is. Maybe op you feel unsettled in the current routine? Do you enjoy your job?
Op what was the division of chores/parenting like when your dc were smaller/babies? Could it be that you are holding onto resentment from that time? Or that you thought by now you would be less tired? Less stressed?

The child free days are school days though aren't they and she goes to the gym for an hour or so. His Sunday off more than makes up for that. Just because she is part time doesn't mean she has to do everything. People work and still parent in the evenings. It sounds like he is using the fact he work two extra days as a reason to sit back and do bugger all the rest of the time.

In my house the children would already be in bed and I would have eaten with them, so he would be doing his own dinner.
I am not sure how old the other children are, but surely most 3 year olds are in bed by 7.30?

I think if OP is unhappy with the arrangement of him working longer hours a bigger discussion is needed. E.g. him getting a job with fewer hours (but then earning less) and maybe she would then work full time..both equal then in terms of being out doing paid work and a better argument for doing 50:50 housework.

To be fair to op I don’t think she is asking her dh to go 50:50 with housework/parenting but just a bit more than he currently does? Does he literally do nothing with the dc/house all evening every evening op? Empty dishwasher? Read a bed time story to older ones?

I run my own business from home it’s quite full on & I never really switch off. It would equate to full time hours! It’s not easy and sometimes I do resent DH for his lack of child/ house help but it does work for us the majority of the time.

Thank you I realise I have taken things for granted. Thanks for the tips for how I should schedule my days off thats useful x

Ah ok thank you you do a lot too then. Majority of the time my situation works for me too to be honest x

Thanks everyone for your replies. Think the responses have definitely made me reflect and realise that I think the arrangement is fair. Sometimes you get used to things and take them for granted I see that now. I won't be doing that anymore. Thank you all xx

I think there are too many unanswered questions on this thread for it to be clear if you really are ‘living the dream’ op.

Lol I'm fine dont you worry about it

That’s good op. All the best

At no point in this post has parenting been seen as anything but a chore. Nothing to enjoy? Whilst I was working part-time, I used my “free hours” to ensure weekends were mainly free to spend time with the kids. Even taking kids to an activity involved socialising with other parents and getting involved in the clubs, providing down time from full on jobs

I think this is often a good way to approach things. Both partners should have similar time and money to pursue activities and leisure that are important to you.

Sometimes this can be a bit tricky to navigate when you work in very differernt kinds of scheduals, I know when my dh was working 6 months away in a remote job, and I was a SAHM, it was tricky, he had "time to himself" away but not quite like real time, and I had time through the day and such in odd lots, but not like being really on my own time. So when he was home we were both wanting time to just chill, plus accomplish things that required us both home.

I would say the main thing is you need to keep checking in, if you'd like to change up chore distribution, talk about it and what it would really look like. Don't forget stuff that he does that may be less visible, like taking care of cars. And sometimes you don't need the other person to take on more, you may need an exchange. Try to be flexible and listen to each other.

I could be very wrong but I am starting to wonder if the op has a actually the husband and his wife has come to him saying she is not happy with current set up so has posted on here from his perspective so he can ‘prove’ to his wife that she is in the wrong and should be chuffed with how things are

I’m a sole parent to twin 5-year olds. I work a senior, stressful role, mostly finishing at 7pm.
As soon as I finish work, I still need to do the whole nighttime routine with the kids - homework, bath, story, cuddles, bed, make kids lunches for the next day, laundry, prepare school uniform, meal prep for next day’s dinner, etc. Also fit in a kids hobby one night (when I finish at 6:30pm) and many other kids hobbies at the weekend.

So technically, he could do more. But since you’ve two free days, it’s fairer than you do more.

Even taking kids to an activity involved socialising with other parents and getting involved in the clubs, providing down time from full on jobs

I don’t think most people would consider those things to be ‘downtime’!

My thread has focused on one issue that i wanted to discuss in my life, at what point have I said I don't enjoy parenting lol. If your response was an attempt to try and make me feel bad I'm sorry to say it hasn't worked because I know I am a good mum lol. Get off your high horse lol

Thank you. I agree with you and thanks for sharing your experience. Yes my husband deals with all care related stuff, organising insurance providers, utility providers etc so like I said in my previous post after reflecting I definitely feel things are fair between us. If anything I have started to have a lot more appreciation for what my husband does

Omg this has made me laugh.. please stop being paranoid. This is a wife's perspective.. you've tried to question me before when I have said I reflected and think things are fair. Stop playing sherlock lol

You are supermum! and doing amazing for your kids and sound so strong you should be proud of yourself 👏

I have a very similar set up, but I say to my husband he needs to do more child related stuff- not to relieve me but to be aware of them. He needs to do there bit of homework or reading, bedtime stories sometimes so he can know what they're up to. He basically needs to give them more time at the weekend for the sake of their relationship as opposed to provide childcare. So I make sure he gets the nicer bits when we split things. He also needs to be able to manage all three of them out. Get them to help tidy up after themselves sometimes and general parenting. Sometimes I will say I know you're knackered but they havnt seen you in 4 days - go do a quick story each or whatever it is. So there's an additional lens to look through. I don't need the break but they need to have two parents not just one.