Division of responsibilities

[Advice5]

Just want some opinions do you think this is a reasonable set up? My husband works long hours and works really hard to provide for us. I work part time across 3 days. We have 3 kids youngest is in preschool. I do 95% of everything childcare related, all domestic tasks apart from the bins, school admin etc. I pay for the food shopping, kids activities, anything kids need day to day clothes etc and whatever i need for myself. I can treat myself to things i may want to as my husband doesn't put financial pressure on me which i am grateful for. My husband earns a lot more than me and has managed to pay our mortgage off which i am grateful for, he pays the bills and for holidays too. He is also responsible for investing what money he can but puts this under both our names. He isn't pressuring me to increase my hours when my youngest starts school in Sep. Do you think I should expect him to do more at home or do you think this is fair? Any thought from part time workers also welcome. Tia

Thanks for sharing your story. Do you work part time aswell? If so do you do housework on your days off? I get what you mean about the extra lens that was part of what i was alluding to when i started this thread. I should have said my husband does help with homework at the weekend. During the week he will make sure to ask the kids about there day even if he doesnt have long to spend with them in the week. That is why he took on taking them to an activity at the weekend as he gets to spend time with them and chat. We can all only do the best we can x

That certainly wasn’t the point of my post, to make you feel bad. I was simply raising the point that all references to parenting made it seem like it’s a total chore, rather than something to take enjoyment from. I didn’t say you didn’t enjoy it, just that any mention of it was missing and I was particularly struck by that I felt it worth mentioning that there’s a lot of enjoyment to be had with a young family. No high horse, lol.

I work very part time only a couple hours a week, but I'm in Ireland so the school hours are different. From 3 they do three hours a day and in our school were a 1.30 pick up and a 2.30 for older kids. My kids are older now aswell. The youngest is in Junior Infants.

I know there is a lot of enjoyment to be had with a family.. which is why we decided to have 3 😃 for me it's a given not something I felt I needed to mention in my thread, I got to the point as all I wanted was people's views about the division of responsibilities 👍

Honestly OP this sounds great to me. We only have one, would like to try for another later this year. DH works 2.5 jobs from home, very flexible but obv long hours, usually overnight. He cooks dinner (before I recently went back to work I'd often try and make the main dinner thing during the day to help out), he does most of the cleaning. I do almost all baby care (he'll occasionally take him for a bit and used to do night nappy changes), simple stuff like the dishwasher, make all baby's food from scratch, appointments etc, odd bit of laundry but DH is happy doing it.

It can get hard like recently where both baby and I had a bad cold and he only wanted to sleep on me but was also up basically all night, particularly badly two nights in a row, and I couldn't get any relief until I dropped him at nursery.

I think as PP have suggested, think about it in terms of equal free time. If your DH doesn't have much, it's hard to ask more of him but a different story if you're struggling. If he's paid off the mortgage though do you need or want to still work part time? Could he pay into a pension for you?

Well this important sentiment I felt was missing in the post and therefore worth raising as I think it’s central to home life. I’m very pleased for you, OP. That’s lovely.

As already covered
do you have same leisure time for yourselves
do you have the same financial freedoms and assets ( houses, pensions)
do you have the same stresses? His might be work stress, yours might be dealing with 3 sick kids
then you are both equal in the relationship

the other aspect that can be hard to achieve in a set up like this is him having quality time with the kids. For their relationship building though, not because it’s unfair on you.

but on the whole you seem to be doing well as a team

Thanks for sharing your experience and good luck with ttc your 2nd. Do you work full or part time?

Yes I would like to continue working as i am part time, I think it is good for me to have that for me and generally I do enjoy what I do. I think without that especially as my youngest is now at preschool I would get bored and lack structure x

Thanks for sharing your views and the answer to your questions is yes.
Yes I see what you mean, most evenings my husband gets to have a chat with the kids, Saturday and some of sunday he is also available to them.. I think he is conscious of this himself which is why he takes them to an activity on a Saturday.
Thank you thats nice to hear x

Whatever about him not doing stuff when he’s not there the two days he is the two of you should be working together to get stuff done so you can enjoy life! (My opinion ably and the way my house worked as a child but in reality here the day we’re both off he doesn’t see mess and everything is a battle- sigh). I personally think it’s horrendous that women pay for clothes, activities etc etc out of their own money as opposed to family money but then equally the non at home parent will think all the extra stuff is not necessary so it’s always a battle.

How is that easy?! 2 days off a week and her husband working hard ensuring their mortgage is paid off.

The OP has 3 children so presumably enjoys being a parent. I’m a teacher and the only time I get off is when I’m with my children all of the time and I love it. However hard it is when they argue I much prefer being with them to working.

No I don't think it's fair and this used to be my set up too for a long time. Then I went back to work full time but my husband was so used to everything being done for him and me doing all the child and finance related life admin that it was nigh impossible to change because he now viewed it as ' my job'. You work around 60-70% of the same hours yet do 100% of everything else. Do you think it's fair?

OP, you sound really nice and reasonable. Enjoy working part time, I loved it when mine were very young. The biggest struggle I had was planning my limited childfree time and I think it’s important you try and limit how long you spend doing house related chores so you can make the most of the time to yourself.

Bit she's also been working hard to ensure the mortgage is paid off. She's paying for lots of other expenses and basically letting him off of doing any housework or childcare. That's nuts. Who has three kids and expects to be able to outsource everything to the other parent? If he was a single man with no kids he would still be doing more housework than he does now. Having a full time job shpuld not mean he gets out of doing everything else.

He should be parenting the kids - it’s not “helping!” When it’s his kids too!! - 50% of the time when he’s not working and doing things that they need such as taking them to swimming or clubs or to bed or whatever.

Lol let him off doing any childcare? Where have you got that from?? He works long hours in the week to provide for me and my children. Other posters have made me see that I am unreasonable expecting him to do childcare when in reality he's working so i was unreasonable there. Our evenings start at the same time. We both do what needs to be done on a Sat. Most of Sunday i tell him to take for himself as i have a good chunk of time for me on my 2 days off. My husband paid the mortgage he covers all the bills, I pay for most of the kids stuff and food shopping. I think its nuts that you think I am being hard done by with that financial arrangement. Housework I have 2 days off its nuts for me to expect him to do it.. he works 5 days! I think its about being reasonable not having a defensive attitude to mens contribution to home life

Aww thank you x I think you are definitely right there, over the last couple of weeks I have set time aside for me as I realise I am also important in all of this and I can feel the positive difference its made x

You started the thread asking the question. If you're totally happy with the set up, why did you ask for other people's opinions?

I don't know any parent who does as little parenting as your husband. Taking kids to a Saturday morning activity doesn't make an involved parent in my view. But then you're simultaneously questioning if he does enough and ushering him out the door to have Sunday to himself. Strange.

Personally I think all domestic labour and childcare outside working hours should be generally 50/50.
I don’t understand women doing 95% of things even when they work part time.
I don’t work at the minute and I don’t even do 95%

What sort of man is happy to come home from work and sit on his arse while his wife continues to run around doing everything.

But that doesn't make sense. If one person has two days off a week, earning less are you saying it's fine they still only do have the housework and that they just get the rest of the time to do as they pleas?

Lol it's not strange as I've said NUMEROUS times on this thread following my initial message that gathering people's views has given me insight.. I think there are things on the back of the responses I've got which I did'nt consider and took for granted.

What I am finding really strange is that even after you know following the message you have responded to, that I am on reflection happy with our arrangement.. you are trying to convince me otherwise 😂 if it's an attempt to make me question things again I'm afraid it isn’t going to work. Concentrate on any flaws your own husband may have and any improvements you can make in your own life.

Why does it not make sense?
Are you truly “spending the day as you please” when you are caring for preschoolers though? Your day is based around caring for them, you aren’t free to do whatever you want.
I don’t think earning less comes into it. If someone was truly “off” and their kids are in school then yeah they can do more chores in that time but there really no excuse for a man doing 5% of the domestic load and barely doing any parenting.

When my DH comes home we are a team, he is pitching in just the same whether I’ve been working or not because with young kids there’s always things that need to be done.

Don't think you get it and that's ok. My husband doesn't sit on his arse lol. You said you don't work does that mean you sit on your arse overall less or more than your husband gets to? even if you have children at home? Some of the responses make 0 sense to me

Clearly you haven't got your facts right here.. I have 2 child free days

If you’re happy doing almost everything and now paying probably 50% of the bills then crack on. Deep down you know you’re not since you came on mumsnet to pour out your complaints.
It’s very common for posters on here to double down and defend their life and their husband when people point things out, but like I said you are the one who felt badly enough about it to post here. Thats no one else’s fault.