Division of responsibilities

[Advice5]

Just want some opinions do you think this is a reasonable set up? My husband works long hours and works really hard to provide for us. I work part time across 3 days. We have 3 kids youngest is in preschool. I do 95% of everything childcare related, all domestic tasks apart from the bins, school admin etc. I pay for the food shopping, kids activities, anything kids need day to day clothes etc and whatever i need for myself. I can treat myself to things i may want to as my husband doesn't put financial pressure on me which i am grateful for. My husband earns a lot more than me and has managed to pay our mortgage off which i am grateful for, he pays the bills and for holidays too. He is also responsible for investing what money he can but puts this under both our names. He isn't pressuring me to increase my hours when my youngest starts school in Sep. Do you think I should expect him to do more at home or do you think this is fair? Any thought from part time workers also welcome. Tia

Thank you for helping me see things more clearly. I have read a lot of MN posts that men should be doing more at home and I think that has influenced my mindset in a negative and not realistic way as it all depends on what each person brings to the table. Time for me to take stock x

Looking after kids is draining. If you feel you need him to step up more, you can of course ask. It’s a team after all. The same way he can ask if he feels he needs something in particular or work has been too stressful.

Our evenings start at about the same time, kids are going to bed around the time he is home or logs off if working from home. I don't think he should pitch in for housework as I think he does enough with his job. Hes not as involved as me at the weekend more so on Sunday but I am conscious that his job takes a lot from him and he also needs time to decompress.. I am trying to be fair given I do get some time on my none working days.. and I can slack on the housework on the days I dont work if I am really struggling whereas he cant with work

Hmm I’m not doubting what you are saying about him but something is niggling you. Is it that when he isn’t working you are still the default parent? Especially at the weekend? It sounds as though he has every evening to decompress (fair enough after a long day) and you don’t expect him to help with dinner/baths/bedtimes. So is it the weekends? Do you feel he isn’t equal enough especially with parenting at the weekends? Or is it that some evenings you would like him to notice that for whatever reason it’s a tough one and you would like him to notice and chip in on the odd occasion? If so I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

I’m confused then, what do you want him to do?
if he’s working from home and your looking after the kids why would you get annoyed he doesn’t intervene, hes working and it sounds like he works hard to provide money for you and your family so you don’t have to work full time.
I think you are better off than you realise

How old are the kids by the way? Sorry if I’ve missed this already

I think it was frustration during the week and wanting him to chip in more in the week with parenting but I realise he can't realistically as he stops work when my evening also begins. This thread has made me realise that its because of the narrative of people saying men should do more i got frustrated but everyone's circumstances are different. Weekends I think he does his fair share.. 1 day of helping and most of the other day for himself.. I think he deserves that time given I use some time on my none working days for me

I agree with you, the replies I've had have been eye opening thank you

Youngest is 3 so im out of the trenches, on my none working days i dont have the kids at home

I think it sounds like he's doing enough tbh. It seems that you both get some time to rest, but neither of you seem to be getting loads more than the other. Remember that his job is likely to be stressful if he is earning enough to support you all.

I do think it's fair to want him to take now of a share of the work with the kids. But you might need to increase your own financial contribution to enable him to do that, so that might not be viable. I don't really think you can expect him to work really long hours and then pitch in at home when your own work schedule is so much less demanding.

Whose life would you prefer? I think it's easy to slip into feeling like you do, but it sounds like you have more options of what to do with your time than he does, especially on days off without the children. You could work more and buy in more help if you wanted.

Thanks for sharing your views, yes his job is stressful. I appreciate the replies they have really helped me put things into perspective x

This.
You asked - which I thinks shows you have an idea y might be a little U.
yes you are.
if the roles were reversed would you be happy with him asking you to do more when he gets to go to the gym for 2h one day and have a bit of a chill on the other. When you were working till 7.30 pm weekdays and getting up to take the kids to club at the weekend. Come on Op! Yabvvu !

Partner has the easy role here! None of the mental load, or real parenting

Out of interest, what's your personal experience of being the main breadwinner in a demanding role with long hours?

Sorry, that was for @raysan

I’ve never seen a MN post in which the person working long hours and earning most of the money is described as also expected to be doing 50% of the direct care? They clearly can’t. The majority around this support the person who works less doing more at home, then both chipping in with whatever’s left over. I can’t fathom where you or the other poster referring to this have seen posts demanding long working hours AND 50% of direct care.

Essentially parents have two responsibilities: direct care and financial support. They are BOTH essential. When we’re earning the money that puts food on the table we’re also parenting……if we as parents aren’t responsible for paying for our children, who is? Exactly how these dual responsibilities are split will vary from family to family.

The goal surely is to both have some downtime, to both get to sleep in sometimes, to both have spare cash to spend and to both spend time with the children. As long as nobody’s taking the piss, it doesn’t matter exactly what that looks like.

Thank you I didn't see it like that how financial support is another form of parenting. I think in a lot of posts it seems to imply that women are suffering doing everything at home and there seems to be a kickback against traditional gender roles.

Thanks for summarising at the end as you are right that's what it boils down too

I don't agree that my husband has it easy but i agree the mental load is also difficult to carry, think that was part of my frustration having to think about everything kids related

Think that's a valid point are there any mums on here who are the main breadwinners doing long hours financially most responsible who can shed some light about what it's like to carry that?

On reflection yes I would probably feel thats unfair thanks for raising this x

So you have at least one, maybe two days when you aren't at work and the children aren't at home so you are child free and you still think be should be doing more?! This is insane! He works long hours so isn't available to help then, earns a really good amount to have paid off the mortgage so you have the security of a home, plus you mention him saving for your future. You are onto a good deal!

You need to think about the hours worked and perhaps use your time more wisely.

Op, is it that he doesn't actually really parent and leaves all of the dealing with children to you? Even though he is in the house a fair bit? Yes that would be annoying. If you had a full time job too, who would be doing the parenting then? Would the kids just be allowed to do as they like? I wouldn't like his attitude that he provides more money so he gets to sit back and watch you bring his kids up.

Also, the money....it sounds like he has much more to spend on himself than you, especially now the mortgage is paid off. Is that right? OP, would you say he sees himself as the head of the family rather than a partnership?

2 days yes. I spend a chunk of that doing chores and the mental load, life admin etc. But appreciate i do get some chill time and go to the gym on 1 day so maybe that evens things out.

Yeah I cant fault his work ethic. He does work hard for us which i think I need to maybe stop taking for granted.

Ok fair point i think i need to structure and schedule the things I need to do so maybe I dont feel squeezed and stressed, and as a knock on get frustrated with him. Is that what you mean schedule my to do list?

I guess it annoys me the Mon to Fri I parent mainly alone but I guess everyone is right he cant help due to his working hours. He is involved on a Sat, Sun i say for him to take some time to himself as he needs that with his job. I don't think he has that attitude as people have said he cant get involved if he is working even if from home.

No thats not right he doesnt have more to spend on himself. No he sees us both as an equal partnership and does value my opinion on things and seeks my opinion out

Yes you are really living the dream!
You have two days a week to yourself. What exactly are all these jobs you do? Maybe list them and people can help you schedule the week.
I would suggest the childfree days you use to batch cook and meal plan so the days you work you have something quick and easy to hand for dinner.
Bigger cleaning tasks can also be done on these days.
The days you work the focus would purely be on eating and getting kids to bed.