Anyone else feel they were naive about motherhood

[SoSadandTired7]

I have an 18 month old, first time mum. I really thought I had it all and a great DH and everything was going to be wonderful. Instead I'm just feeling crushed under a mountain of responsibilities. DH has been a disappointment. The baby stage was...traumatic. We're doing well now, DS is at a wonderful age, but I'm just, I don't know, so stressed. I resent the hell out of DH. He has such a wonderful life. I find myself nit picking and starting arguments just to ruin things.

I think pre-baby I didn't understand just how much work it would all be, how much my body would be ruined, the relentlessness, how little DH would have to do, and how doing it all is just not possible.

We should have had such a nice Valentines Day. DS was great, day was perfect. DS goes to bed. DH had promised he would cook me dinner - i said please don't make a mess in the kitchen, I'd rather have a takeaway than wake up on Sunday to a disaster. He said don't worry, I'll clean up. Well, Sunday morning came, and the kitchen was so greasy and he had stepped in it and carried all around the house. The entire downstairs is covered in grease. The surfaces are wiped but not well so everything is greasy to the touch. Dishes are all stacked and not washed. I couldn't sleep last night because I knew this is what I would wake up to.

But apparently I'm ungrateful and horrible.

I'm by far the higher earner and work long hours. He gets to work in something he's passionate, easy hours and have no responsibilities. I could and should walk away. I'm just not brave enough right now.

Every one of us I would think. Whatever the books etc say, it’s still a shock when you have a little person to care for, and it’s hard work adjusting to parenting.

But, I would have stuck to the takeaway idea.

Your problem isn't motherhood, your problem is your useless DH. He needs to take on his responsibilities, there is no way around it.

You both sound miserable. Horrible atmosphere for your baby to live in. I don’t think this is about the baby or motherhood.

And because he cba to wash up properly, you'll end up cooking next year because a takeaway isn't good enough for him and you want to avoid more rows or Sunday chaos.

@GreenChameleon I can't make him do anything. I can't change him. And motherhood is what brought this on as it's made life so fucking hard. Everything was fine before the baby. We were equals. Somehow his life has stayed the same and mine has changed beyond recognition.

I couldn't sleep last night because I knew this is what I would wake up to.
I don't know why you were worried he can sort it out in the morning if its his mess.

Becuase I knew I would come down and have 2 choices 1) clean it myself or 2) tell him to do it, which then would result in a horrible atmosphere. I went with no.2. He sighed, called me horrible and a nag, and how he can never do anything right. He cleaned the floors, still hasn't done the dishes and we had a horrible Sunday.

I could have done it myself but it's partly what has led to all this resentment. I'm trying to stand up for myself for once.

@SoSadandTired7 I don't think motherhood brought this on. Settling for a man who isn't committed to work and equality and sounds like a lazy, dirty bastard brought it on sadly. Marriage and family life is hard enough when everything is right and you like each other, impossible if not. What you have shared seems to say you woukd have an easier life as a single parent. I doubt you will like this man any better next year than now, so it may be wise to consider cutting your losses.

Not the point of the thread, but what on earth did he cook to make so much mess?

If you were equals beforehand, why is he no longer capable of cooking without leaving everything in a mess since he became a father?

I think this sort of behaviour is why there is a huge rise in the number of one child families now. Baby comes along and one partner is so unhelpful while the other parter gets to do 90% of parenting plus hold down a full time job. We don't really notice unhelpful partners before kids come along but we certainly notice them afterwards as we are carrying them.

Do you have very high cleaning standards? It’s not great that the dishes weren’t washed up, but maybe you could have washed up together as your DH cooked. Not being able to sleep over it suggests to me that maybe you have an issue?

I was absolutely naive and had a romanticised version of it. I got some home truths from colleagues that I grilled about it when ttc but I never read a word about it because I didn't want to know too much. Other than need to know newborn stuff. I am forever grateful I was naive because I got to have the most exciting and happy pregnancy despite not always feeling the best. The other issue is that my ds was an incredibly difficult baby and I think no matter what I knew or didn't know, it was very tough. It wasn't just a phase either, we had behaviour problems all along the way. To say it took its toll on our relationship is a massive understatement. But we struggled along and now have 3 teens and we are getting our lives back bit by bit. There are still things I massively resent about dh and things he should have done better, especially practical things. But looking at the bigger picture he has been a good father to our DC.

OP talk to your dh about this, offering to cook and leaving a mess is not ok unless you agreed, because that's a 50/50 workload. He needs to understand this. If it's your turn to cook then leave clean up for him if that's the system he wants. Start ordering take aways if he doesn't do his share. If he isn't pulling his weight then pay for a cleaner, hit him in his pocket. Keep track of all the jobs that you do and ask him to do the same and see how it's split.

Every mother feels they do more and too much and they are usually right. You have to fight back, someone once told me that a new mother has to raise her baby and train her partner and I found it patronising towards men then but believe it to be true. If you keep doing it all he will let you so you need to keep pushing back and yes it's exhausting.

Also bear in mind you are at a very difficult age so try not to think too far ahead, it changes all the time and gets easier but also you will both get better at it.

I couldn't sleep because I knew there would be an argument about it first thing in the morning. Yeah, I could have cleaned it myself. But you know, I always do. He claimed to want to do this for me. I specifically said please don't make a mess and create another job for me. He said of course he'll clean up.

I didn't want this stupid fucking dinner.

It's quite impressive that the entire downstairs is covered in grease, I mean how did he even manage that?

@Dontlletmedownbruce Thanks! we do have help. To be clear, it hits my pocket, not his.

You made a poor choice of man to have a baby with I’m afraid. You’re not alone with that.

how little DH would have to do

Who decided this?

I was a single parent when my eldest was bor (long story and not my choice). It was blissful. I loved it, tbh.

I only had him and myself to think about. No man causing problems. And it's far easier to do everything when there's only you there to do it.

Far easier and less frustrating than watching a useless waste off space make your life harder.

You say he’s been a disappointment in general. In what ways? Beyond the Valentine’s Day fiasco, what does your time and his time look like?

I'm just intrigued as to what he's cooked that has led to everything being covered i grease and tracked it throughout the house????

He made steaks. When he fries them, the grease just flies everywhere. And because he doesn't clean right away, he steps in it and carries it everywhere. The whole hallway is covered in greasy footsteps.

He also triple cooks the chips which uses every pan in the house.

Your husband sounds like a wanker.

How the fuck does grease go everywhere like that! Get him some cooking lessons for his birthday.

Having babies didn't impact my domestic load much because we'd already shared it equally before. If you have different standards of cleaning that probably hasn't changed since before you had the baby. Point out to him that if he really wanted to give you a nice treat for Valentine's day he should have got a takeaway like you suggested, since that's what you actually wanted, otherwise he's just imposing what he wants on you and inconveniencing you with the consequences. He should be apologising profusely not calling you a nag.

Agree with others, it’s not motherhood that is the problem, it’s your husband.

This!!! He calls you names!? Get out of there.