Anyone else feel they were naive about motherhood

[SoSadandTired7]

I have an 18 month old, first time mum. I really thought I had it all and a great DH and everything was going to be wonderful. Instead I'm just feeling crushed under a mountain of responsibilities. DH has been a disappointment. The baby stage was...traumatic. We're doing well now, DS is at a wonderful age, but I'm just, I don't know, so stressed. I resent the hell out of DH. He has such a wonderful life. I find myself nit picking and starting arguments just to ruin things.

I think pre-baby I didn't understand just how much work it would all be, how much my body would be ruined, the relentlessness, how little DH would have to do, and how doing it all is just not possible.

We should have had such a nice Valentines Day. DS was great, day was perfect. DS goes to bed. DH had promised he would cook me dinner - i said please don't make a mess in the kitchen, I'd rather have a takeaway than wake up on Sunday to a disaster. He said don't worry, I'll clean up. Well, Sunday morning came, and the kitchen was so greasy and he had stepped in it and carried all around the house. The entire downstairs is covered in grease. The surfaces are wiped but not well so everything is greasy to the touch. Dishes are all stacked and not washed. I couldn't sleep last night because I knew this is what I would wake up to.

But apparently I'm ungrateful and horrible.

I'm by far the higher earner and work long hours. He gets to work in something he's passionate, easy hours and have no responsibilities. I could and should walk away. I'm just not brave enough right now.

I think everyone underestimates how hard it will be to have a baby. The key thing is whether you and your partner are able to step up to the challenge. He obviously isn't

This. I’m sorry you are realising the hard way that your partner is a loser op. Maybe time to really think through your options.

I don't think he should get a reward for being a dickhead

Do you think he's just being incompetent? Because it sounds like he's purposely choosing to cook in a way that he knows will cause you distress. I think he's gaslighting you.

I don't know if yabu or not. It's pretty poor that he didn't do the washing up when he'd specifically promised he would. Sounds like he wants a medal for cooking a meal.

I waited until I was in my 40s to have my ds. By then I knew most men are lazy and disappointing. I still tried my hardest to find a good dad for my child, someone I trusted and respected. He was great until ds was born, then morphed in to everything I'd sought to avoid. Sometimes you just can't win.

I've raised ds on my own since he was two. We have a lovely life. I don't struggle and have loved raising him (now 17yo).

i wouldn't have wanted to be a mum much younger. I wouldn't have been resourceful and confident enough to do a good job on my own.

You have two options:

Manage your DH like you would a child, try and get over the huge disappointment that he is a poor father,
but still get to spend time with your child and enjoy his childhood, or

Leave your DH and accept that you will not see your child all the time.

Yes, she made a choice by having a child with this man, but she could not predict how he would turn out to be as a father.

It's a risk that people take.

If he cooked why is he doing the dishes?
If its not your job then why didn't you do them together, have pudding and pop upstairs for a pleasant moment or 2 ?

A lot of men like the idea of being a dad. Maybe they think it will increase their "macho" cred. Perhaps they want to continue their blood line or they have romantic ideas about producing a famous footballer. Or maybe other blokes at the office have just reproduced and they feel they're missing out on something. But they really, really don't like the hard reality. A lot of women are unprepared for the reality too but most respond to their children's needs above their own no matter what. Men not so much.

If you're the higher earner you will be financially better off leaving sooner rather than later when there will be more in the marriage pot. It honestly doesn't have to be this hard- men can and should be equal parents and equally responsible for the domestic load.

Yes, was going to go back to check if it is DH or DP. Indeed, if he has no house or cannot afford a house, the law requires you to contribute to his rent to afford the similar standard of living your child enjoys at home. I have always been a high earner. Although not money focus, I unfortunately made a conscious decision that I do not want to end up having to sell my home to fund two rentals for any child I might have with a loser whose income was not similar to mine. Welcome to broken Britain.

You’d be surprised by how much women suggest to LTB when marital difficulties show up. I thought it was just a mumsnet thing until I went to therapy and I said something about my husband not helping out in the morning’s frustrated me and the women in the group were ALL like LTB. In fact my husband works late nights and has always struggled with waking up… and it’s not that big of a deal, I just had to find something that frustrates me at home as homework.

Also, I’m super curious about how cooking steak gets the house super greasy and why your want for take away should trump his want for a nice steak.

Also, I read somewhere you shouldn’t break up for the first two years after having a child as those are the hardest on your relationship, after that it’s fair game.

Also, stop doing shit and nagging. Show him how much it is you do. Worked wonders when me and our son had to move countries and we were away for 10 months without him. He came back a changed man. Although that’s quite drastic and I don’t recommend leaving for 10 months; being alone was way harder despite moving to be closer to family.

Wtf

This OP
No one can prepare you for it and completely changes partnership dynamics with associated complex feelings.
Don't give up on your marriage OP
Truthful discussion required and overview of rules and expectations

This is the norm I'm afraid

Maybe they need to have a frank discussion before deciding that marriage is over and husband is a loser.
Most difficult time in a marriage after baby is born

I’m pregnant with my first and find posts like this really worrying. I hope you don’t mind me asking some questions.

Was your DH like this before? In the sense of - wouldn’t clean up that night after making dinner? Or has he changed? Or do you think the things that were fine before are hard now?

Is there anything you could have both done differently to prepare?

You just need to keep talking to each other. Have a plan on how you’re going to divide the chores and have some flexibility. Having a baby is wonderful but hard work. Yes, generally speaking relationships work best when things are equal but realistically both of you can’t bring 50% each and every day. Life stress, illness, family commitments, emergencies etc get in the way. On those days one of you picks up the slack. If you’ve got 25% DH brings 75% that day or vice versa. If you both at 25% you prioritise what needs doing and bin everything else. Keep talking, keep supporting each other, keep making time for each other.

Well ,yes that's the reality
Welcome to being a wife and mother
At least you weren't stupid enough to let your husband bully you in to giving up your job ,so you ended up SAHM.. dependent on him for money.
As some women do ........
At least you can support yourself financially and are able to LBT
Your a cleverer woman than me

I agree with this. Yes motherhood is an adjustment, and even a shock but this issue here is your unhelpful partner whose happy to sit back and relax while you do all the work.

If you’re serious about leaving, do it sooner rather than later. It will be better for you and your DS. It might be your DH will step up and co parent. The longer he does next to nothing parenting wise the less likely he is to start when you leave.

You will be amazed how much easier you will find things. Less headspace, less actual domestic work as you will only be dealing with you and DS and not him. You will almost certainly start to enjoy being a mum.

Urgh, it sounds like he wanted a steak dinner and dressed itnupnas a gift for ypu and is now huffing about cleaning up his mess for his dinner.

I drove my DH mad saying that once we had DC it HAD to be 50:50 and he said of course it would and why did I keep going on about it. I think he thought I was a lunatic!

In his defence he is great and actually does do at least his share, but I’m very conscious that it could have been different and that sometimes these men only reveal themselves once it’s too late.

The problem in your case isn't motherhood, (although I'm child free). It's your lazy entitled pig of a husband.
Sorry.

You see this all the time on Mumsnet, shitty lazy men who think they are more deserving of rest and relaxation than you. Ive never seen anyone say their DH has changed but I do see women trapped because their lives are so enmeshed. The kids would be upset. Personally I couldn’t live with this level of resentment and would go now when you only have one young kid and are the higher earner.