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Original poster

Anyone else feel they were naive about motherhood

109 replies

SoSadandTired7 · 15/02/2026 11:50

I have an 18 month old, first time mum. I really thought I had it all and a great DH and everything was going to be wonderful. Instead I'm just feeling crushed under a mountain of responsibilities. DH has been a disappointment. The baby stage was...traumatic. We're doing well now, DS is at a wonderful age, but I'm just, I don't know, so stressed. I resent the hell out of DH. He has such a wonderful life. I find myself nit picking and starting arguments just to ruin things.

I think pre-baby I didn't understand just how much work it would all be, how much my body would be ruined, the relentlessness, how little DH would have to do, and how doing it all is just not possible.

We should have had such a nice Valentines Day. DS was great, day was perfect. DS goes to bed. DH had promised he would cook me dinner - i said please don't make a mess in the kitchen, I'd rather have a takeaway than wake up on Sunday to a disaster. He said don't worry, I'll clean up. Well, Sunday morning came, and the kitchen was so greasy and he had stepped in it and carried all around the house. The entire downstairs is covered in grease. The surfaces are wiped but not well so everything is greasy to the touch. Dishes are all stacked and not washed. I couldn't sleep last night because I knew this is what I would wake up to.

But apparently I'm ungrateful and horrible.

I'm by far the higher earner and work long hours. He gets to work in something he's passionate, easy hours and have no responsibilities. I could and should walk away. I'm just not brave enough right now.

OP posts:
loryN22 · 21/02/2026 16:45

The transition is definitely a shock. I had a rough time with the house mess too, and it’s exhausting when you feel like the only one seeing the grease and the dishes. You aren't being ungrateful for wanting a clean space.

GoingForAGallop · 21/02/2026 17:44

I was prepared for motherhood to be very difficult. My sister and friends had really struggled and I read books about parenting that painted a harsh picture.

i think being prepared for the worst was a good thing because I found the reality of a new baby much easier than expected.

Sartre · 21/02/2026 17:48

When you’re pregnant people throw advice your way and you roll your eyes and don’t want to listen because you’ll make your own mind up and have your own ideals. Except they’re often right to be honest and your ideals go out of the window once you’re in the throes of parenting.

No guide book or antenatal/parenting class can prepare you. You don’t know how you’ll cope or react to stressful situations until you’re thrown into them. It’s sink or swim really. When my DC were very small I was on pilot mode every single day. I’ll be honest, I barely even remember it.

Newyearawaits · 21/02/2026 22:17

KateCroy · 17/02/2026 15:36

It's not motherhood, though. I also had a baby with my DH, but my life hasn't changed that much, after the end of maternity leave, other than the delightful addition of DS (now a teenager). I was very clear in advance about the terms on which I would have a child (I wouldn't be stepping back at work etc) and DH loves cooking and has always done almost of all of it. A weekly cleaner does most of the housework, other than fairly cursory wipedowns and sweepings.

Show quote history

I suggest that you are the exception rather than the norm

Tiggermad · 21/02/2026 22:18

SoSadandTired7 · 15/02/2026 11:50

I have an 18 month old, first time mum. I really thought I had it all and a great DH and everything was going to be wonderful. Instead I'm just feeling crushed under a mountain of responsibilities. DH has been a disappointment. The baby stage was...traumatic. We're doing well now, DS is at a wonderful age, but I'm just, I don't know, so stressed. I resent the hell out of DH. He has such a wonderful life. I find myself nit picking and starting arguments just to ruin things.

I think pre-baby I didn't understand just how much work it would all be, how much my body would be ruined, the relentlessness, how little DH would have to do, and how doing it all is just not possible.

We should have had such a nice Valentines Day. DS was great, day was perfect. DS goes to bed. DH had promised he would cook me dinner - i said please don't make a mess in the kitchen, I'd rather have a takeaway than wake up on Sunday to a disaster. He said don't worry, I'll clean up. Well, Sunday morning came, and the kitchen was so greasy and he had stepped in it and carried all around the house. The entire downstairs is covered in grease. The surfaces are wiped but not well so everything is greasy to the touch. Dishes are all stacked and not washed. I couldn't sleep last night because I knew this is what I would wake up to.

But apparently I'm ungrateful and horrible.

I'm by far the higher earner and work long hours. He gets to work in something he's passionate, easy hours and have no responsibilities. I could and should walk away. I'm just not brave enough right now.

Every mother ever

BigOldBlobsy · 21/02/2026 22:30

MO0N · 15/02/2026 14:05

There are men who want to be fathers because they want to be parents, i.e do a fair and equal share of the work involved in raising a child.
And then there are men who want to be parents because it raises their status in the eyes of other men and makes it easier for them to dominate and subjugate their female partner.

^

TinaTwinkleToes · 22/02/2026 07:23

I left when my child was 1.5. My ex was more interested in the house I owned and going to the gym. He shacked up with someone else with a house surprise there and sees his child 1 in 6 weekends and 2 nights a week.

TinaTwinkleToes · 22/02/2026 18:55

Sorry i killed the thread

MetalliCat89 · 22/02/2026 19:28

When stress levels are at 80% 80% of the time all it takes is a small amount of stress to put you up to 100%!

Go easy on yourselves and try your hardest not to sweat the small things; in the grand scheme of things they don't matter.

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