Anyone else feel they were naive about motherhood

[SoSadandTired7]

I have an 18 month old, first time mum. I really thought I had it all and a great DH and everything was going to be wonderful. Instead I'm just feeling crushed under a mountain of responsibilities. DH has been a disappointment. The baby stage was...traumatic. We're doing well now, DS is at a wonderful age, but I'm just, I don't know, so stressed. I resent the hell out of DH. He has such a wonderful life. I find myself nit picking and starting arguments just to ruin things.

I think pre-baby I didn't understand just how much work it would all be, how much my body would be ruined, the relentlessness, how little DH would have to do, and how doing it all is just not possible.

We should have had such a nice Valentines Day. DS was great, day was perfect. DS goes to bed. DH had promised he would cook me dinner - i said please don't make a mess in the kitchen, I'd rather have a takeaway than wake up on Sunday to a disaster. He said don't worry, I'll clean up. Well, Sunday morning came, and the kitchen was so greasy and he had stepped in it and carried all around the house. The entire downstairs is covered in grease. The surfaces are wiped but not well so everything is greasy to the touch. Dishes are all stacked and not washed. I couldn't sleep last night because I knew this is what I would wake up to.

But apparently I'm ungrateful and horrible.

I'm by far the higher earner and work long hours. He gets to work in something he's passionate, easy hours and have no responsibilities. I could and should walk away. I'm just not brave enough right now.

You sound like you are completely over him and his useless ways. If you split you’d probably feel a lot more positive about everything.

All people are naive about how motherhood will be. And none of us listen to those who try and tell us. You can’t ever understand how something will be unless you’re done it.
But I agree with everyone else. Motherhood and your lovely son are not your problem here. Your husband is. I think your marriage is over.

I agree with you regarding motherhood, I'm not sure I was "naive" because I saw how much work it was for my siblings, but the reality is much much harder than the theory.

But your real issue here is your husband. I have maybe 25% of the issues you have with yours, and I'm already resentful at times. But at least mine understands the issue and really tries.
I feel like you would be so much better off on your own (with your child)...

This is a DH problem, not a motherhood problem, but it is very common for a baby to change the dynamic and expose what is actually a bad, and unfortunately sometimes, abusive relationship.

When I look back at my marriage, i can see that the signs were there, but it took a baby to truly show what my ex was like. I stuck it out until the dcs were older teens, but I nearly left when ds1 was 17 months old.

And, yes, my ex would "treat" ne by cooking, then leave me with a terrible mess to clean the next day, and then criticise me for either not cleaning, or for daring to moan about it.

Knowing what I know now, in your position, I'd leave now.

I don't think you've been naive about motherhood rather you have been naive about men. Many of them react badly if women have anything over them. You're the higher owner, in his mind that means that you outrank him and he can't cope with it. That's why he's being unpleasant and leaving you to do all the menial tasks.
He is despicable.
If this were me I think I might have one serious talk with him where calmly outline how I feel. If he doesn't engage I would privately make a solid plan to get rid.

Well done for standing up to him.
And I agree with other posters, not a baby problem, it's a hubby problem. He's being a dick.

When it comes to a partner who is adding to your problems and chores and making the resentment go sky high, it really is time to consider your options.

I think that's unfair, his true colors were hidden and not revealed until the baby came along.

I don’t think your marriage is over. It’s a tricky patch. My husband was similar, he was shit for a few years and then realise how unequal our lives were and he’s got a bit better. Not perfect but more aware and helpful

To be fair I don’t think it’s always necessarily that they were hidden and then suddenly revealed post-baby, it’s just that the same behaviours that are mildly irritating or annoying when you’re just two adults start to feel like really a big deal when you have the extra responsibilities/stress/tiredness that a child brings.

I wasn’t shocked by motherhood. I knew it was going to be hard. Perhaps more upset than I expected the effect on my body.

I was shocked by how my ex changed. Absolutely vile abusive man. Years later I have a child with someone new and he turns lazy and useless the second I’m pregnant. It’s a repeating story on here men changing when a baby arrives. I think lots of just judge these women having babies with poor choice men…. Until we realise these men can act great for years and years (8years in my case) then fatherhood turns them into sexist lazy fucks out the blue. It’s not a motherhood thing though it’s a fatherhood/lazy man thing

If it’s true then YANBU but never had grease get all over the floor after cooking.

This. Your problem is with your DH. Only he can solve this and if he doesn’t you need to decide whether you want to stick around for it.

Some men want children others actually want to be a father. There’s a difference. I’m not surprised you resent him. Your life is has been tipped upside down and he still thinks he can carry on as he was.

Ditch him and get a nanny

He’s making your life harder than it needs to be

My Ex would get fat everywhere when frying steak. It's absolutely a thing.

This is not about motherhood. Honestly.

You say it hits your pocket. What happens if you tell him he needs to start paying for a cleaner because he’s no doing his half of the work and you’re sick of doing it or paying to cover him?

My ex was another useless man who got really horrible after our baby was born. I wasn't brave enough to get rid then. It took many years before I finally divorced him. I agree with PP... it is hard to work up to it, but I would really consider splitting with this useless, stroppy and lazy lump.

Posters are right, this isn’t about motherhood, it’s about marriage. Workload increases when you decide to have a family, and it needs to be split amicably or leads to resentment.

In your shoes this morning would’ve been a morning I would’ve gotten myself and little one up, looked at the mess and headed out, leaving him to it! Be really clear, and if it causes an argument, get your ducks etc. What a plonker.

Omg I can’t believe people are suggesting you leave your husband because of what he said /did !Issues occur in all relationships and it’s part of life. You have to work through this to become stronger as a couple - of course you both have to want to. You have a child together so try and communicate and work together. This is a different chapter in your lives and one of you will find it harder to adjust to

@SoSadandTired7 But surely he was just the same before the baby? Having a baby wouldn't cause him to splatter the house in grease and not wash up. He must've always done that. Did he actually want a baby?

@simplesimoneatspie they're not suggesting it, I said it in my OP.

The problem with your response is that it assumes DH is willing to do the work and that I haven't bothered to communicate so far. Which is bullshit, I have tried and tried of course. I haven't sat there like a lemon for 18 months.

It's become clear that I either put up and shut up or leave. I will leave eventually.

Lol yes he very much wanted the baby. He just doesn't want to do the work required to have a happy, healthy, thriving baby. Idiot me can do it.

There are men who want to be fathers because they want to be parents, i.e do a fair and equal share of the work involved in raising a child.
And then there are men who want to be parents because it raises their status in the eyes of other men and makes it easier for them to dominate and subjugate their female partner.

That’s the thing op. You made a choice with this man but that doesn’t mean you have to stick to it and make better ones. You don’t have to accept that life is like this. What’s stopping you from leaving him? Is it your house?