Anyone else feel they were naive about motherhood

[SoSadandTired7]

I have an 18 month old, first time mum. I really thought I had it all and a great DH and everything was going to be wonderful. Instead I'm just feeling crushed under a mountain of responsibilities. DH has been a disappointment. The baby stage was...traumatic. We're doing well now, DS is at a wonderful age, but I'm just, I don't know, so stressed. I resent the hell out of DH. He has such a wonderful life. I find myself nit picking and starting arguments just to ruin things.

I think pre-baby I didn't understand just how much work it would all be, how much my body would be ruined, the relentlessness, how little DH would have to do, and how doing it all is just not possible.

We should have had such a nice Valentines Day. DS was great, day was perfect. DS goes to bed. DH had promised he would cook me dinner - i said please don't make a mess in the kitchen, I'd rather have a takeaway than wake up on Sunday to a disaster. He said don't worry, I'll clean up. Well, Sunday morning came, and the kitchen was so greasy and he had stepped in it and carried all around the house. The entire downstairs is covered in grease. The surfaces are wiped but not well so everything is greasy to the touch. Dishes are all stacked and not washed. I couldn't sleep last night because I knew this is what I would wake up to.

But apparently I'm ungrateful and horrible.

I'm by far the higher earner and work long hours. He gets to work in something he's passionate, easy hours and have no responsibilities. I could and should walk away. I'm just not brave enough right now.

No 1 make a very very long list of jobs and divide it, or make it obvious how he is not pulling his weight using logic and clear arguments.
No 2 do the boring jobs but sabotage him
in some other way that lets you maintain your internal pride.
No 3 hope he will become an equal partner and parent through honest discussion and open communication of emotions.

I don’t think any of these work. I have tried them all but number 2 made me happiest and the least frustrated.

Make sure you're not the default parent from day 1. Make sure he understands that maternity leave is work, harder than most jobs and definitely harder than your average office job. Equal waking up at night.
Take it in turns to have free time at the weekend, even if just an hour each so he gets used to having the baby alone.
Let him figure things out for himself, so you're not the baby expert.

At the end of the day there is only so much you can do though.

It's the cooking on ridiculously high heat. The grease in aerosol form travels everywhere. I had to ban mine from frying due to this carry on. Fuck that, I was the one degreasing the whole kitchen after he cooked.

This. Get out now, he probably won't change and you'll hate each other more.

Does he know you're thinking of leaving?

Yes I was very naive. I thought That the baby would just slot in and my life would stay pretty much the same. Sounds utterly ridiculous reading that.

I also never liked kids and actively avoided spending time with relatives young kids etc. I couldn’t have cared less and the held no interest for me whatsoever. Animals on the other hand……

anyway needless to say I found it exceptionally difficult. Tried my arse off and loved my child completely but didn’t really enjoy any of it especially the pre school years. I mean there were nice moments but for the most part it’s been a slog!

anyway they’re now 11, well adjusted, doing well at school, great sense of humour etc so I must have done something right.

But I’ve come to realise that I probably shouldn’t have become a parent. I need space, time, solitude, peace etc - none of which you get!

of course all of this is being made worse for you because your husbands life has carried on mostly uninterrupted which is sadly very common. Women really get the shit end of the stick.

Why did you have a baby if you didn't like kids? Genuine question btw.

Just thinking that I never liked or wanted kids so I made sure I didn't have one.

Having said that you're obviously a good parent, I'm glad things have worked out and your DC is doing well.

Motherhood is hard when you have children and a man child.
I don’t think you were naive, you’ve been hoodwinked by your husband.
I voted Yanbu anyway because you’re right on every point except to blame it on motherhood.

No fair question tbh!

we both felt that we would regret not having one when we got older. That was pretty much the extent of it.

Don’t get me wrong, on balance, I’m glad we did it. I am very proud of how my child has turned out. I’m proud of myself for pushing myself to be the best I could be (for them) even when I felt like I was crumbling at times.

its been a huge life lesson. I’ve learned so much about myself and found strength I never knew I had.

That's lovely I've heard mother's say that becoming a parent gives them drive and strength they never knew they had. My sister told me that the whole world shifted when her baby was born, everything that was important before just wasn't important anymore.

Let's hope Op gets the support she needs so that she can have the joyful moments of parenthood that she should be having.

This is exactly the kind of nonsense my awful ex h did. So sorry about this op but there is an abuser script and calling you a horrible nag for pulling him up on what he promised to do - that is all about minimising your emotions. It's abuse and entitlement and it won't change. If it's part of a pattern - which you've said it is - he won't change. He wants you to be quiet . You'll have to walk away and I'm sorry it is hugely stressful but you can't live your one amazing life being put down and put upon by this dick.

OP I hear you. Unfortunately 95 percent of men turn out to be this way after a child comes along. You now have a baby, and an overgrown man child to manage and clean up after, for as long as you can take it. I lasted through eight years of this, being worn down to almost nothing while parenting and working. Don't lose so much of your life to this man. Take care of yourself.

Yep, it’s a massive shock becoming a parent. It’s impossible to be prepared for it, no one can tell you how completely overwhelmed you’ll feel.

It depends on what you want out of this relationship. You, if you care to take it, have the power. You earn more. Your are the mother of the child. You can, if you care to, own the situation. It's just a matter of whether you can respect/love your DH sufficiently to put up with his shortcomings. The ball is in your court, OP. But you need the courage to own that that's the case.

I’m so sorry he’s such a disappointment. I feel really angry on your behalf at his thoughtlessness.

@SoSadandTired7 I had kids with a genuinely abusive man, where it all came out once the children were born. There was no going back, I did everything, he would scream and shout constantly so i was terrified. I had to leave my home with babies, and ive parented alone for years.

Now I would argue that yours is nothing like mine, yours sounds like a bit of an incompetent partner who is trying to help. You resent him because its not enough or not good enough. Maybe you are nagging him. To me I wouldn't leave someone over this without genuinely making a real effort to tell him how you are feeling. Of course, if he is rude or doesnt listen and you see no way back, then time to get your ducks in order. But early parenting is tough on everyone so dont throw things away so easily.

You underestimate how lonely it is actually doing it alone, child access issues, let alone financial issues/new partner issues. Its not a race to the bottom but try and keep this in mind.

I wouldn’t have cleaned it. I also wouldn’t have brought it up. I would’ve just left it at most made something for the baby and then gone out.

i think stating the obvious can get annoying so I just don’t say anything. Let the silence talk. But I would’ve do some relationship counselling.

I would let him know you can’t rely on him to do what he says. He doesn’t keep his word and it’s disappointing.

Don't be so ridiculous. She couldn't sleep because she was seething with resentment because on top of all her other responsibilities, she knew she'd also have to wash up and sort the kitchen. That isn't having very high cleaning standards is it? It's a job that's completely necessary.

Plus, what is wrong with having high standards? It's unpleasant living in a house that isn't clean and it makes everything harder to do.

95%? I think you've been hanging around the wrong men.

What on earth was he cooking that caused so much grease?

It's not motherhood, though. I also had a baby with my DH, but my life hasn't changed that much, after the end of maternity leave, other than the delightful addition of DS (now a teenager). I was very clear in advance about the terms on which I would have a child (I wouldn't be stepping back at work etc) and DH loves cooking and has always done almost of all of it. A weekly cleaner does most of the housework, other than fairly cursory wipedowns and sweepings.

Agree! And it’s single mothers who get the flack, not the useless men who cause many of the problems.

Actually, can I point out that it is not just men.

I know of three marriages where it is/was the wife who behaved like this when the children were born. I watched these marriages from very close quarters, and I saw what was happening.

In each case, the wife carried on as before, leaving the husband to pick up 90% of the housework, caring for the children and also expecting them to be the main breadwinner. And criticising them constantly as well.

Two ended in divorce (one mother actually just walking out on them all), and the final marriage limps on, but the husband is truly defeated.

It's not a man thing, it's a selfish, self centred, self absorbed thing.

It's not a man thing, it's a selfish, self centred, self absorbed thing
@DuracellbunnyAPlus the traits that you describe, whilst not exclusive to men are more common in men.
Women are capable of bad behaviour but men (broadly speaking) are given greater license to perpetrate bad behaviour.
Perhaps we could say that it's not a man thing, it's a dominance thing, and men (generally speaking) still hold sway.

Sounds like it's more an issue with your DP than motherhood. I did enjoy the baby years, but I was naive to think I could go back to working full time once they started school - DS is SEND and 15, I still can't work full time as I'm caring for him, and I miss it

Hope you're ok op.