Wedding invite says “your presence is present enough” but also “we will have a wishing well”

[Sweetunicorn1]

What do you think, my sisters wedding invite says your presence is present enough to us but also if you want to make a contribution there will be a wishing well. Personally, I hate the wishing well thing and don’t think you should put you hand out for people to ‘contribute’ to your wedding. People who want to give you a cash gift (like grandparents and parents) will do so without a wishing well. Also, I just think it seems disingenuous to say “your presence is present enough” but then in the next breath that there’s a wishing well. Pick a lane.

Oh please, what a silly presumption. Calling out the OP for her fake confusion about her sister’s gracious comment clearly designed to ensure no wedding guest feel awkward if they can’t afford a wedding present and felt awkward about it is hardly evidence of “living in a very privileged bubble”. 🙄😆

Because it just sounds better. It’s saying ‘Obviously we want you all here and that’s the main thing and we’re not concerned with presents or money, but if you would like to get us something (as most people do) then please do XYz.

A decent wedding is easily £120 a head nowadays- it’s only decent to buy or gift the bride and groom something as gratitude for the day.

Haven't RTFT but "your presence is present enough" does not make grammatical sense so Id be taking them a present instead.

They could just say " we don;t want your tatt just your cash"

I think that's a great idea. Most won't want to turn up without a gift. The idea of the wishing well is you can give as little or as much as you want. Nobody else needs to know. Without the wishing well people will still turn up with unwanted gifts.

I think in the current financial climate some people will find it expensive to go to a wedding and offer a present. A wishing well allows people to give anonymously if they don’t want to have the value of the gift known, and if there are people who would struggle to put money in then they don’t have to feel self-conscious about not doing so. I think it’s quite a diplomatic solution.

Assuming sister is sincere I do understand the dilemma. We sent our invites out requesting no gifts. From the second we did people were constantly asking us what we wanted, did we have a wedding list or a fund. Even when we said we were genuinely happy with no gifts. Both our mums were contacted as well, constantly, by people just wanting to be told what or where to gift and not accepting that there was no need. The company we’d booked our honeymoon through had a honeymoon fund as a free add on so in the end we just activated that and shared the link for those who wanted to contribute, but we kept the wording that gifts were not necessary or expected. Most people did give a gift, they were very generous and we were grateful, but our experience was that they wanted guidance on how/what to gift, so I can see why the sister has just done this from the outset.

Its your sister, so obviously you would be giving her a cash gift of whatever you could afford anyway. I think it takes a special kind of bitch to post your own sisters (very normal) wedding invite online and basically invite hundreds of strangers to slag it off. Pretty disgusting actually

I would say your sister is saying don't feel obliged to give us a gift but if you would like to contribute, here is an easy way of doing so. I would be completely Okay with this set up. Presumably the wishing well means the gifts are anonymous? I wonder if you're wondering where you stand as her sister - whilst the bride might be OKay with random guests not contributing, does she expect her sister to contribute regardless of the no presents required announcement. There is so much etiquette here and you know your relationship with her. If that is the case and I was in your position, I would just decide what I wanted to do and ignore any passive communications suggesting she was expecting a gift. I doubt your relationship will rely on this one thing and if she wants to make more of it, that's her problem not yours. I do like to buy gifts (even if the couple say they don't want one, I usually then ask directly) but I don't push it if they're adamant about it.

This 100%. Just nasty.

So you didn’t pay out for a wedding? Your sister has done and now you are criticising her choices.

There are some interesting insights on ghsi thread - some people cannot fathom that others genuinely do NOT want gifts. As a consequence, they assume that everything is just money grabbing when it’s genuinely just people not wanting gift.
If you just say “no gifts” , you get a selection of well intended crap. At least money is useful, even if you would prefer getting no gift at all.

I agree. It's all very false!
We were invited to a wedding with the same sentence in the invitation but also a gift list. We bought a gift on the gift list for £270 but apparently this wasn't enough. The bride's father had hired a house and grounds with shepherd huts which were tiny and cost £200 per night or small cottages at £400 per night.
We had intended to book a room in the main house for £200 per night but all the rooms were fully booked by the wedding party. Not wanting to stay in a small hut or rent a cottage just for the two of us we booked accommodation nearby.
We realised on the day of the wedding that the bride's father was incensed by the fact that we didn't pay to stay on site and treated us really badly at the wedding. Incidentally, we had taken time off work, put our cats in a cattery, parked our car at Stanstead airport and travelled abroad for the wedding. It transpired that he had hoped to recoup money he had spent on the venue by guests paying to stay on site thereby subsiding the cost. Clearly our presence wasn't nearly enough!!

The wording is naff as are wishing wells but essentially what they’re saying is fair enough. We don’t want or expect anything but (knowing that some people would get them something anyway) if you are going to get something we would prefer cash (to a load of old tat that they would likely never use).

No ones obliged to give anything

I don't give cash donations and take it at face value if it says 'we want your presence not presents'.

Then found out a couple were pissed off that I'd taken them at their word!

I had no idea that’s what a wishing well was - I take that bit back. The concept is not naff, something made to look like a wishing well is (in my humble opinion)

A wishing well directs people where to put the cards/cash without stress. Makes it easy all round. And saying it’s not required makes it easy for those who are broke (or tight)to not give.

I don't think many people would be happy with a tenner!

My Niece did this, it was a contribution to the Honeymoon (if you wanted to give something). There was no pressure to contribute, but we wanted to .. as we love them, and wanted to do something nice. I don’t understand the problem

What’s the done thing about giving money via the wishing well? Do you put money in a card and put in it, or do you put money in an envelope anonymously and give the card separately?

Because surely they’re saying ‘we’re not expecting a gift but if you would like to give one, money would be appreciated’. Most people want to give a gift of some sort at a wedding.

It's because they don't want a load of tat they won't use, or three kettles and six toasters, and are trying to ward that off before people start buying.

YABVU, do you just look for offence in random places? It's very obvious what it means. They don't especially want or need 'gifts', no one is obligated but they know people usually want to give something so they are saying if that is the case they would prefer cash.

It’s not a silly presumption at all - and it goes way beyond what you said to the OP. You declared British people were “shockingly stingy” about weddings and mocked anyone who dared to complain about the costs of attending one, suggesting it meant they didn’t care about their family. (The personal digs you made at me just add towards the vitriol.)

If you can’t see that, for some people, attending a wedding can be a significant financial commitment they can ill-afford, then you ARE privileged. No question.

Just to counter balance that (because that really is appallingly grabby of that couple and the father, quite shocking really), my husband and I said we didn't need gifts, and we really meant it. We had a very low key wedding and some people gave us vouchers, a few just asked if they could chip in for the wedding meal (registry office followed by restaurant), a couple turned up with prosecco, chocolate etc and somebody sent us a nice set of framed wedding photos afterwards that they'd taken (we didn't have a photographer). All of those things were appreciated but NOT expected. I honestly don't remember if anyone turned up empty handed and we didn't mind either way.

So... some people do mean it when they say it.

I think it's a bit awkwardly communicated because they seem to be aiming at getting cash gifts (not stuff) but that chimes really badly with "we only want your presence". A wishing well indicates the opposite - that they are wishing for cash gifts!

I've seen "no boxed gifts" on a wedding invitation and I thought that was a bit crass but also helpfully direct as it clearly indicated cash/vouchers wanted rather than no gifts at all.